Waiting, Stretching, Trusting

“If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad. ”  ~C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock

Lying in bed at night, all kids close, I think about him.  I think about the part of our family that is missing.  I think about his green eyes and bright smile and warm touch and the way he makes me laugh and the crazy magic tricks he does for the kids and sword fighting and tea parties and bets with his mom on sports games.  I wish I could make all of this go away.  I wish I could fix it.  I wish I could fast forward this part of our story and get to the part where we feel relief.  That it’s all over.  That it’s been paid.  

But I can’t.  I have to walk in the pain of all of it.  It is heavy and it hurts.  Some days I feel like I just can’t stretch anymore.  That I’m at my breaking point, and then the Lord tenderly and lovingly lets me lay it all down at his feet as I bury my head in a pillow and deep waters open and I release.  

The judge finally signed the document that we have been waiting for to get Rick moved and it has been put into the “system”.  We were thankful for this in hopes that he would be out in about a week after it was signed, but found out that because of his heart condition, it will have to go to Washington DC where all the inmates awaiting designation for Federal Prison in the entire United States of America goes.  ONE PLACE.  So, as many of you who have experience with any kind of government agency and their time frame, this could take weeks.   More waiting, more stretching, more trusting.

These last few years have been full of those things.  Waiting for the cards to fall.  Waiting on an investigation.   Waiting on the investigation to wrap up.  Waiting for sentencing (2 years).  Waiting on God to show Rick what he’s suppose to be doing in the meantime as he took a step back from the real estate business and started other companies.  Waiting for those companies to start turning profits.  

And in the midst of all that waiting, the Lord shut door after door after door after door in an area that Rick is so gifted at.  He is a visionary and a hard worker.  He is extremely creative and an incredible networker and resourceful and innovative and driven and committed and has an amazing ability to make things happen.  And in the last 3 years, God has pulled the rug out from under his business endeavors over and over again.  It was dumbfounding.  And yet my husband persevered.

I have to say that this was one of the hardest things for me and my faith.  How could a good God do this to us?  When our focus was to make all things right and correct any mistakes that had been made and restore any losses and mend any wrongs.  Why would He be putting up all these roadblocks when we wanted to do what we thought was HIS will?  I felt abandoned, forgotten, shut out.  And then the Lord did something so sweet and loving to this hopeless soul.  Below is a conversation from an old friend that was up with her baby one night in March 2011 and God called her to email me and she did.  It was a monumental turning point for me where the Lord tangibly showed me how close and intimate He really is…

Alyssa:   Hey. Im up with Henry now and thinking and praying, can't sleep. God laid you on my heart suddenly. Wondering how things are for you guys and where things stand with what you shared last. Praying for you right now. Weird at 4am but acting on faith to do so... Hope this finds you well. Praying and thinking about ya

Me:  What a BLESSING it was to me to get this message!!! It has been a dark and heavy last couple of weeks or months for me. I have felt "forgotten" by the Lord with a big "NO" in front of every prayer I have asked for and then to hear from you with a message from the Lord just blows me away!!! He has not "forgotten me". We are still in the waiting period. We were thinking Rick would be sentenced in May, but it looks like it may be postponed again for 3-12 months. Right now his lawyer says he may get 18 months in prison and have to pay 1.8 mil in restitution. They are holding Rick responsible for things he had absolutely nothing to do with which is so unfair, and I don't quite understand how they can do that, but I guess the fact that Rick did business with a guy he knew was a scammer makes him partially liable. Rick was trying to make right the bad business he had done with him before, but it obviously blew up in his face.

He lost his job in February due to this, which was out of nowhere since his boss who is a owner of the company knew everything that had been going on, but supposedly the other owner didn't. Rick felt like he wasn't getting the whole story and was hurt and confused. He was really close to his boss and had worked really hard to help them transform their business. It was weird.

My husband is an entrepreneur and puts deals together all the time and in the last year and a half he has had one after another fall apart. So I have been feeling lately like whatever he does God is just not going to let him succeed for whatever reason and we will be out of money in a few weeks. He is working 3 jobs now all straight commission so I'm praying the Lord will provide and give us some direction. I guess I've just been feeling a little depressed and hopeless lately.

Alyssa:  oh rachel,

i am in tears...just tears. i had to stop reading halfway bc i was crying....i had NO idea why the Lord told me to email you at 4am like that...i was surely thinking you would think me a lunatic. i mean who does that? i am SO glad i listened and did it anyway so that He could speak to you in whispers like that. He is so faithful and kind to use a silly old friend whom you barely ever talk to through a dumb social network like facebook to whisper i love you...'i love you child, you are not alone, i have not forgotten...i will use the most divine strange way to speak this to your heart so you will know it could ONLY come from me.....i love you, you are mine. you are not alone. i am here and i am faithful. i am for you, hold on dear child of mine, hold on..."

i am so very sorry for how things have transpired and where things are now with rick's business and legal problems. i find no justice in it at all and want to scream that's not fair...and i am just on the out looking in....i imagine it must really feel like you have been forsaken and forgotten being on the inside of it all, BUT you have not. i will never understand the seasons He has us walk through but only have begun to understand that when we suffer, truly suffer with the deepest of soul groaning cries and moans of ache and searing pain and confusion, it is there where we meet the beginning of seeing a glimpse of what Christ's suffering was..we share in His suffering in that way somehow and we are never the same, ever.....i am praying for you to feel sustained and nourished with His spirit even when the dark is all around....i am praying that will be renewed with His mercy and peace in the coming weeks as you withstand more and more that's to come....i am so glad to have reconnected with you after all these years, so that i can carry these burdens with you, so that you aren't alone....persevering for His kingdom is never easy. but i am honored to fight for it with you. and will do so with prayer for you and your family.....

praying for you, so heavily on my heart... on my knees,

Me:  Thank you so much Alyssa for your tender heart and your loving encouragement and especially your prayers. I am so thankful to God for you. SO thankful!! An unexpected blessing that I needed in a winter storm.

In His Grace,
Rachel

And this is where the Lord began to show me that He is.  Where His blessings are.  Where the garden of knowledge and wisdom and faith grow in His Grace.  In the darkest, hopeless, faithless nights of the soul.   Where all I have left to turn to is Him.    Just like the prodigal son.  The father stood in the field and saw his lost rebellious boy in the distance, coming home.  And the father didn’t even wait for him to get there, he felt compassion for him and ran and embraced him and kissed him, and then threw a lavish celebration that he had come HOME!  (Luke 15:11-32)  And in those moments when I know how faithful God is when I have been angry and afraid and self-righteous and questioned His goodness and sovereignty and who He is; He woos me to Him in the sweetest most tender and gracious of ways, and the gift of grace pulses healing waters through my weak veins.  Right to the broken heart where healing takes place.  HOW GOOD is my God.   

My husband.   He can’t go outside.  He eats what he says is equivalent to dog food.  He sleeps on a thin piece of plastic over metal wires.  He has 40 roomies who have sad stories beyond anything we have ever experienced.  In there trying to help people.  Having me call other inmate’s family members to communicate with them because they don’t have money to call themselves, and trying to connect some of the other inmates with his personal attorney who has done nothing but love and support and fight for Rick.  A GOOD man of the law, and a GOOD man of the heart.  Fighting to keep his spirit up and walking through this with a grace and humility that makes my heart proud.  

So as we continue to wait, and continue to stretch, I will continue to trust that God is in the here and now opening us up to receive more of Him.  Beauty and Grace overflowing.  Comfort and Peace beyond understanding.  And Joy.  Deep rich penetrating Joy.  Even in the darkest of nights.

Please continue to pray.  For Rick's peace and comfort and joy in these miserable circumstances.  That the Lord would quickly get his case thru the govt system so he can be moved.  That God would give me what I need emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually to carry the weight of this and to be a good mother to my children, wife to Rick, and servant to Christ.  And that He would continue to provide.  

And to all those who have blessed us with the gifts that you have so graciously given, THANK YOU!!!  I am beyond humbled and grateful for these sweet, sweet blessings.  And we praise God and thank Him for you and for carrying this burden with us.  We could not do it alone. 

Sweet daddy...

Saturday was the first day I took all the kids to see their dad.  Their responses were heartbreaking to watch.  I was a little surprised because I thought I had prepared them.  I told them that we wouldn’t be able to touch daddy.  That he would be behind glass with a telephone.  We would have to wait in line and then go behind bars and walk down the hallway to where he would be sitting, waiting on the phone to talk with us.  

I had taken Lochlan, my youngest son a couple of days before.  He is my most sensitive child and I didn’t want to overwhelm Rick with bringing all of them at once for the first time.  He was of course anxious and squirmy as we waited in line.  When we were finally checked in and they had room for us to go back, we waited for the heavy metal doors to open in which we walked into the small standing place and they shut us in.  It was enclosed by bars.  I didn’t really know what kind of impact this would have on my boy.  I kept asking him if he was okay.  I kept asking him if he was excited or scared or nervous.  He said all of the above.  When we walked down the hallway and turned the corner into the room with Rick, I could just sense his little body tensing up.  I sat down on the stool and grabbed the phone and gave it to him.  He couldn’t really talk.  He didn’t know what to say or how to say what he was really feeling.  He gulped big gulps and looked all around and just squirmed.  He started to cry a little which made his daddy tear up.  Rick motioned for me to grab the phone.  We started talking about other things so as to keep everyone’s composure.  Wil, one of Rick’s best friends and business partners, was with me and took the phone for a moment.  Lochlan was still standing at the glass looking very uncomfortable.  I decided to pick him up and hug him in which all the tears started rolling as reality sank in.  

These are the places where you feel so helpless and out of control.  Where the only thing I have to offer this tender heart, and the BEST thing I can offer him, is the hope of Christ.  That suffering has a purpose and God will not give us more than we can handle.  That God loves his daddy more than any person in this world and is FOR his dad.  That He is allowing this because he has something beautiful and better for his dad and our family than we could ever get from living a life without trials.   

Sweet daddy.  His love language is touch.  He thrives on giving love through hugs and kisses and wrestling and swinging and tackling and back rubs and whatever other way he can.  This has been the hardest part for him.  Not being able to give that love in the way God has gifted him in.  In the way that brings joy to his deepest parts.  

Lochlan calmed down by the end of the visit and was able to tell his dad goodbye.  When we got home he went to take a shower and get ready for bed.  The other kids were not home from soccer games yet, so I took a moment and sat down to comfort him.  I asked him what he was thinking about.  He got a sweet little smile on his face and said “it’s kinda silly.”  To which I replied, “that’s okay, would you like to share with me what’s in your heart?”  He said so sweetly, “I have the awesomest, coolest, best daddy in the whole world.”  I LOVE how the Lord moves in the hearts of kids.  He wanted to lift up his daddy’s name and was proud to claim him in the ugliest of conditions.  It was HIS daddy and he wouldn’t have it any other way!

Then came Saturday when I took them all.  My dad came with me which I was so thankful for.  My 3 year old crazy daughter was her normal crazy self.  There is a sign on the wall with all the rules and the one in red says that your visit will be terminated if a child gets out of control.  She was the one I was worried about.   There is no controlling that little ball of fire when she gets “passionate” about something.  Like the water fountain.  She wanted a drink out of the water fountain to which I refused but assured her we would get water when we left.  The tantrum meter started rising red and I had to creatively calm her down.  Then when it was time to go back and Saxon told her she was going to jail, she started crying and saying “I don’t want to go to jail, I scared”.  Over and over and over and over again.  Lovely.  When we got passed the bars and walked down the hall, I asked Saxon how he was feeling.  Nervous he said.  I asked him if he wanted to talk to daddy first in which he was hesitant.  

Saxon is a pretty mature little 8 year old and can adapt to change well and is not afraid of expressing his feelings.  So I was surprised at his reaction to seeing his dad.  He got on the phone first, and same as Lochlan, just couldn’t really speak.  Red faces and wet cheeks on both sides of the glass.  Momma still holds it together comforting and loving my sweet boy and looking at my man with reassuring eyes that we are going to make it thru this.  Arista wanted to hold the phone over and over to which the only words she would say was, "Hiiiii, how are you?  I love you.  I miss you".  As soon as we got in the car the first thing Saxon says is, "I feel better now that I got to see him."   It is just so crazy that no matter how much you prepare for something, you can never really be prepared.  The reality of the situation and seeing it and living in it is much different than what we think it will be.   

“I think of the end of His earthly life.  Jesus Himself bends the knee in a garden and weeps His own song:  ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done’ (Luke 22:42).  He opens wide His mouth and accepts; He will drink this cup of suffering too.  Why?  For the greater joy.  Joy now, joy forever.  Conceived in grateful humility, Jesus faces death in grateful humility.  And I hear it soft too, what all His life speaks;  Joy is in the acquiescing.”  -Ann VosKamp, One Thousand Gifts

That is the one thing that keeps me going.  I know that this is the plan the Lord has for me.  I am not a victim.  I can choose how I will respond to the circumstances that God has allowed in our life, and I will choose to fight for joy and accept God’s grace and pour out love and truth and help others and love my husband well and love my kids well and seek all the beauty and goodness that God gives each day, even when those days are heavy and dark, because that is the only way to really live life.  Because life is going to hurt and break you and rip your heart out and turn you upside down, but it doesn’t have to poison your spirit.  That is a pill I won’t swallow.  Anger and bitterness will not sow their seeds in my heart and when they try to take up residents there, I will aggressively work to remove them.  Because I want joy, even in these sorrows, God is giving joy.  It is a raw and real and beautiful gift that I am so blessed to experience.  And He offers it freely and lovingly.  And so I will drink my cup and acquiesce and let His Grace fill my heart full.

One week down...

One week ago today, I drove up to ominous fences with barbed wire wrapped high and thick walls with no windows, and our state and country flags blowing glory in the wind.  We walked into the jail lobby where my husband was to self surrender.  They told him he was to go outside to where 2 garage doors were and there would be a door with a buzzer that he was to buzz to get “processed”.  That word made my stomach churn as I thought of a human being processed like a piece of meat, stripping all the nutrients from its natural state and made into something we can preserve.  And then I thought about God’s “processing”.  Where He strips us from all the things that keep us from knowing Him and loving Him and walking in His Grace and tears started falling.  He loves us so much that he would allow a season of having life beat the tar out of us and stripping us down naked from all the material things of this world and now here in this gritty place, the illusions of white picket fences and big houses and bleached smiles, we come to a more humble and REAL view of who we are and coincidentally a more glorious view of who God is.  And it is beautiful.  

Rick walked outside to the garages, pressed the button and they told him to come in.  I hugged him tight and watched him walk through the door.  And then I turned and walked alone back to my car and wept.  I couldn’t even bear to think about what they were doing to him and how they would treat him and what he would be eating that night and where he would be sleeping.  How his rights and privacy and comforts were all gone.  And we were in the “system” that takes forever to get things done.  He was supposed to have gone to the place that he would be serving.  Not a county jail.  The federal prison he is suppose to be at doesn’t have glass or bars or barbed-wire fences.  It’s a camp where they sit around all day reading, working out and playing cards and you can hug and touch your loved ones. 

I drove home in the drizzling rain and my mom met me with my daughter and we went and got the boys at the bus stop.  Saxon asked if I took daddy in which I told him that I did and then they didn’t really ask any more questions.  They spent the night at my mom’s that night, which ended up being really nice as I got a little alone time just to pray and think of my husband and petition God on his behalf that He would take care of him.  

The next morning I went to the grocery store and called home to talk to my mother in law who said Rick had just called her and only talked to her for a couple of minutes telling her to tell me I needed to do everything I could to get him out of there.  Then he had to go because he was going to lose it.  My heart just dropped.  It hurt so much to hear that.  I came home and called the jail in which they told me he had already been housed so I could go visit him.  Wil came over and went up there with me.  We walked up to the visitation area.  There was a long line of people that went through this hallway with a metal detector and it smelled of sterile must.  I looked around at all the people there to visit their loved ones.  Most of them seemed at ease, like they had done this a thousand times before.  There was a whole different type of people there than what I am used to hanging around.  Rough looking, jerry springer type of bunch, but not all of them.  They were all very cordial and polite.  Even the rough looking woman guard who was directing us in the hallway was kind.  She wore a starched buttoned down khaki shirt, tight brown utility pants and army combat boots and she walked around as if she ran the show.  She was probably in her early 50s and had a tooth or two missing, but the outfit and attitude were suited for her job.  I bought it, not sure if people would take me seriously if I was dressed like that, but she fit the part.  

I was looking forward toward the dark window where people were walking up to show their id’s.  We had to get Rick’s inmate number to be able to know where to go.  I’m not sure why you have to have an inmate number or why they are called inmates.  That word seems to close to primates which you visit at the zoo which this was feeling all too much like.  I could see bars up ahead that I had never seen in person.  I love to watch all those shows on Discovery ID where people commit horrific crimes and then they reenact them and make it into a drama and it’s a bit glamorized (my husband thinks I’m disturbed).  But here in real life I am walking into one of these facilities so I can see the one I love.  I saw doors automatically opening and shutting as they allowed people to come in and out.  I saw glass with phones and people talking to people thru them realizing that this was how I was going to have to see him.  I looked over to my right, and there sitting on a bench was a young Hispanic woman bouncing a baby on her lap and I was overcome with compassion for her.  I thought to myself, poor thing, her husband and baby’s father must be in here.  And then a huge burst of reality struck me across the face that that is what I am here for.  My husband is here too and I am coming to see him because he is the man who I love and am married to and share 3 beautiful children with and who the Lord loves and has so graciously allowed me to come and see that day. 

 Wil and I checked in and went and waited by the bars to open so we go in to the little area where I could see his face.  We walked down the nasty smelling hall and into a room where he was sitting holding the phone with his head down and face and eyes red.  I sat down and picked up the phone, again, am I really doing this?  Is this really my husband in an orange jumpsuit behind this glass window?  He could hardly speak.  The horror and reality of what he was experiencing was all hitting him and it was heart breaking to watch.  I just wanted to hold him and tell him that God has his arms around him and loves him and Grace would bring him thru.  

Thankfully, I had talked to my sister-in-law, Robin, before I went, who had encouraged me to be his cheerleader and be strong for him and cheer him on and not fall to pieces.  I think I would have fallen to pieces had it not been for that little pep talk.  I just told him that I loved him and that God allows suffering because it gives us Him, the giver and sustainer of life!  I reminded him of Jonah who was in the belly of a whale for 3 days.  And all the other prisoner stories that we have heard of men being freed from the noose that pride and arrogance and shame strangle around their neck.  God is recreating him, He is with him, He is sovereign and in control and to just rest in that as he waits to be moved to the federal prison.  Federal will be like a vacation resort after he leaves this place.  He shared with me of the kind of people and gangs that were in there and white supremacy group.  He had to buy his own underwear and soap and deodorant and shoes.  He told me how nasty the food was, he had nothing to even compare it to, and that he couldn’t go outside.  His strong spirit was being crushed and it hurt my heart to see.  He talked to Wil for a second and then said he had to go and left.  I wanted to say goodbye one more time but he was gone.  

I have been back 2 times since then.  I watch the people as they come to see their friends and family and I watch the other inmates come to see their visitors.  The momma’s with their babys and the daddy’s with their children.  Loving and caring for them so tenderly and sweetly.  I watch the inmates talking to their loved ones eyes red, tears streaming, bodies shaking.  And all the while Jesus whispers to me that these are HIS people.  And I get the privilege of walking along side these suffering souls and sharing with them in their suffering.  This is where Christ hung out.  This is where he proclaimed the good news!  And He is proclaiming it to me all over again and in a new and beautiful way.  

As Isaiah said so long ago…

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners;  -Isaiah 61:1

Loved the book “The Same Kind of Different as Me”.  At the time I read it, it seemed obvious to me that we are all alike.  But that is easy to say when I live in a suburban neighborhood that on the outside is not too different from Wisteria Lane.  All the walls of class and race and all the ugly names we classify people as who are not like us and stereotypes of people in jail are crashing down and I see souls.  Souls who long for HOPE!  Souls that are broken and lost and in need of a Savior.  Souls just like me.

Waking Up in a Dream...

What a surreal experience the last couple of months have been and especially the last couple of days.  Friday afternoon, I drove my husband to Denton county jail while he waits to be assigned to a federal prison where he will be serving for the next 18 ½ months.  Crime committed…conspiracy to commit wire fraud.  For those of you that have not known about our plight these last few years, here is a short breakdown of the story.  

My husband has been in the real estate business for the last 10 years.  A little over 5 years ago he started doing business with a “wolf in sheep’s clothing”.  This man appeared to be a man of integrity, a God fearing man, and a man of his word.  He and Rick became good friends and slowly Rick started investing money with him and this guy, named Ty, stared sending Rick a lot of business.  Long story short, there came a time when Rick helped him raise several million dollars for a development, which included a large portion of not only our money but our family’s and friends, and then Rick discovered this man was running a ponzi scheme.  All the money was gone.  Instead of walking away, Rick started to try and come up with ways to make money and continued doing business with Ty in hopes of paying back all of the investors who had lost their money.  In one final transaction that would restore some of the investors (not including us) their initial investment, Rick brought a legitimate deal to Ty who he knew would probably commit fraud on his end of the deal, which he did, but thought because he wasn’t doing anything wrong, it was okay.  Then Ty’s fraudulent business dealings were exposed and they charged my husband with conspiracy.  

Our attorney convinced us to sign a plea agreement in which we were told Rick had a very good chance at probation.  That was 2 years ago.  Come sentencing time, our attorney told us there was no way Rick would get probation and would most likely serve time.  Now I know why criminal attorneys have such a bad name.  He was basically trying to appease the prosecutor and government selling us on this plea deal, rather than looking out for our best interest.  I could go off on him here, but I will refrain for now.  All I can say is DO NOT put your trust in men, especially if they are advising you to accept anything other than the absolute truth.  A hard lesson we have had to learn, but also trusting God’s sovereignty in all of this.

Rick’s sentencing was set for August 9^th in which the judge sentenced him to 22 months.  The ruling was made based on the federal guidelines of how much loss was incurred in the transaction.  He will serve 85% of that sentence per federal standard, to where in state cases like rape and murder, you usually only serve about 50% of your sentence.  Another really messed up glitch in the court system.

So here I am, in the middle of the “American Dream”, living with my sister-in-law, her husband and their 3 kids ages 8, 5, and 2.  My mother-in-law lives with us to.  She has been here for the last 2 years, so that has not been an adjustment.  (All of which, I might add, has gone surprisingly well.  And I also will say how deeply grateful I am for their willingness and sacrifice to do this so we wouldn’t have to move out of our house.  GRACE.)  We have soccer practice 3 times and week and games on weekends and jail visitation 2 times a week and once on weekends.  I’m still on the job hunt and just trying to trust that God will provide for us.  All my kids sleep in my room, and I have an office to myself.  

And that’s what it looks like.  And then I have to walk into a musty smelling white hallway crazy broken rough “inmate” occupied facility to visit someone I love very much behind a glass and speak to him by a phone and realize that this is NOT a dream.  And not only is it not a dream, this is the plan that God had for me before I was even born and it is GOOD.  And that Christ is in every moment of tears and walking every step with me as I dropped my husband off at that scary ghetto looking place where he would have to sleep and eat and shower and wait.  And that even though many people think of jail as throw away “getting what they deserve” worthless humans, the Lord has started to stir in me and open my eyes to his broken children that are in NEED of a savior and the jail is just a fishbowl for what already exists all around me that I have been completely blinded to.  And that my own summons for fairness and judgment has now melted into a cry for mercy and grace and I lament that I have thought myself better than these people.  Ugly, exposed, messy, raw heart…and only in God’s mercy and grace would He show me this!  So He can heal my heart from that darkness to give me more of Him.  This is His amazing Grace.  

And then there’s Rick.  When I see him I just want to cover him with a warm blanket and love him just the way he is.  To unsay all the hurtful things I have ever said.  To thank him for the last 7 weeks of getting up every morning and working hard and continuing to fight to provide for his family knowing he was leaving in a few weeks.  He continued to serve us and fix things around the house and sell all his possessions and kiss his kids and laugh and joke and hug me tight and take out the trash and clean the kitchen.  He continued to make sacrifices and push through the darkness with all the weight on his shoulders in hopes that his family would not have to suffer more.  Never once did he sit in the corner and sulk.  He pressed on.  And that is a mark of a COURAGEOUS man with HONOR and INTEGRITY.  A man of God in the ugly of life reveals the making of a new creation in Christ. 

This huge storm has been brewing in our lives for the past several years.  I almost feel like we have been on the Titanic, waiting for it to sink, but it has held on.  Too many times I fix my eyes on the looming storm rather than my savior.  I get stuck in the boat or sink in the waves as I stare into the future of the unknown.  God is calling me to Him.  To trust him fully.  And I don’t think I’ve really understood how to do that until now.  And maybe because the weight of it is so heavy that I can’t hardly stand it yet it is the only option left that will keep me alive.  To fix my eyes on Him.  Completely on Him.  Laying every fear at his feet and not looking at the what ifs and how comes and what nows.  To take myself out of the thick of my fears and sit on the side of a bank, as if those raging fears were a river, and watch them go by so as not to sweep me away.  

I will trust him today.  I will trust Him.  He is good and righteous and faithful and merciful.  I will bathe in that truth and He will restore my soul.  Psalms 23.  

And here will be my fragrant offering to my Savior.  To share with whoever will listen...the healing, restoration, and the hope of Jesus.   He is my knight in shining armor in every way.  And my prayer is He will be that for you too.

For the Joy...

This last week and a half has been a tough one.  Emotions running high, so many things to do.  Exhausted from lack of sleep and all that weighs heavy on my mind.  It just plain hurts.

A sweet friend reminded me that these are the times that we look for the the beauty and gifts that are all around.  To live in the spirit of gratitude and praise is the weapon against self-pity and despair.  And it is a daily battle.  To choose to see the good that God has all around and to thank Him. It is THE key to walking thru these dark valleys and still having joy. 

A battle rages in my heart to keep my eyes on the ONLY one who SAVES.  A fight for joy, for truth, to admit how truly weak and helpless we are as human beings is not something that I like to face.    But here I am, stripped of so many comforts and securities that in the end are scrap metal.  They have no value.  He is giving me more of Him.  More of the Cross.  And more of His Grace to walk thru, especially in the ugly parts of this story.  It is costly and heavy, but it is my cross to bear, and as Christ said it is for "the joy set before me" that He laid down His life for me.  So I will focus on the joy before me as I let Him beat the tar our of my pride, and as I give more Grace to receive the blessing. It's amazing how far He will stretch you and not let you break.  That is a miracle in itself that I have been blessed to experience.  "When I am weak, He is strong".

Right now I'm looking for a sales job if you have any ideas or know of opportunities, please let me know.  Also I'm hoping to take over Rick's title business and ramp it up so if you know realtors, loan officers, mortgage brokers I would love it if you could connect me to them.  Rick's sister Robin and her family are planning on moving in with us to be a huge support, so please pray for renters for her home.  Just continue to pray for God's provision for us now and when Rick is gone.

"I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction."  Isaiah 48:10 

Thank you!

I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers and for those who were able to come to the court hearing and support our family.  What a blessing!!!  It was incredibly humbling to have so many people show up and I could feel your prayers.  I am so thankful that it is over.  

We did not get the outcome we had hoped.  Rick was sentenced to 22 months.  I am confident that the Lord’s plan is much better than mine and I rest in the fact that He will be with us thru the next phase of our lives.  

Rick is the sole provider for our family, so prayers for guidance and provision and a job for me would be appreciated.  More than anything I want to keep the boys in their school and our family close to our church and community.  

I’m drained today, but I wanted to update all who have so faithfully prayed for us and are wondering.    

God is good.  He is my treasure.  I am thankful for the sweet gift of the Body of Christ that came to wrap their arms around us today!!!!!

“He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.”  Psalms 62:6

“I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,

Because You have seen my affliction;

You have known the troubles of my soul”

Psalm 32:4