Waiting, Stretching, Trusting

“If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad. ”  ~C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock

Lying in bed at night, all kids close, I think about him.  I think about the part of our family that is missing.  I think about his green eyes and bright smile and warm touch and the way he makes me laugh and the crazy magic tricks he does for the kids and sword fighting and tea parties and bets with his mom on sports games.  I wish I could make all of this go away.  I wish I could fix it.  I wish I could fast forward this part of our story and get to the part where we feel relief.  That it’s all over.  That it’s been paid.  

But I can’t.  I have to walk in the pain of all of it.  It is heavy and it hurts.  Some days I feel like I just can’t stretch anymore.  That I’m at my breaking point, and then the Lord tenderly and lovingly lets me lay it all down at his feet as I bury my head in a pillow and deep waters open and I release.  

The judge finally signed the document that we have been waiting for to get Rick moved and it has been put into the “system”.  We were thankful for this in hopes that he would be out in about a week after it was signed, but found out that because of his heart condition, it will have to go to Washington DC where all the inmates awaiting designation for Federal Prison in the entire United States of America goes.  ONE PLACE.  So, as many of you who have experience with any kind of government agency and their time frame, this could take weeks.   More waiting, more stretching, more trusting.

These last few years have been full of those things.  Waiting for the cards to fall.  Waiting on an investigation.   Waiting on the investigation to wrap up.  Waiting for sentencing (2 years).  Waiting on God to show Rick what he’s suppose to be doing in the meantime as he took a step back from the real estate business and started other companies.  Waiting for those companies to start turning profits.  

And in the midst of all that waiting, the Lord shut door after door after door after door in an area that Rick is so gifted at.  He is a visionary and a hard worker.  He is extremely creative and an incredible networker and resourceful and innovative and driven and committed and has an amazing ability to make things happen.  And in the last 3 years, God has pulled the rug out from under his business endeavors over and over again.  It was dumbfounding.  And yet my husband persevered.

I have to say that this was one of the hardest things for me and my faith.  How could a good God do this to us?  When our focus was to make all things right and correct any mistakes that had been made and restore any losses and mend any wrongs.  Why would He be putting up all these roadblocks when we wanted to do what we thought was HIS will?  I felt abandoned, forgotten, shut out.  And then the Lord did something so sweet and loving to this hopeless soul.  Below is a conversation from an old friend that was up with her baby one night in March 2011 and God called her to email me and she did.  It was a monumental turning point for me where the Lord tangibly showed me how close and intimate He really is…

Alyssa:   Hey. Im up with Henry now and thinking and praying, can't sleep. God laid you on my heart suddenly. Wondering how things are for you guys and where things stand with what you shared last. Praying for you right now. Weird at 4am but acting on faith to do so... Hope this finds you well. Praying and thinking about ya

Me:  What a BLESSING it was to me to get this message!!! It has been a dark and heavy last couple of weeks or months for me. I have felt "forgotten" by the Lord with a big "NO" in front of every prayer I have asked for and then to hear from you with a message from the Lord just blows me away!!! He has not "forgotten me". We are still in the waiting period. We were thinking Rick would be sentenced in May, but it looks like it may be postponed again for 3-12 months. Right now his lawyer says he may get 18 months in prison and have to pay 1.8 mil in restitution. They are holding Rick responsible for things he had absolutely nothing to do with which is so unfair, and I don't quite understand how they can do that, but I guess the fact that Rick did business with a guy he knew was a scammer makes him partially liable. Rick was trying to make right the bad business he had done with him before, but it obviously blew up in his face.

He lost his job in February due to this, which was out of nowhere since his boss who is a owner of the company knew everything that had been going on, but supposedly the other owner didn't. Rick felt like he wasn't getting the whole story and was hurt and confused. He was really close to his boss and had worked really hard to help them transform their business. It was weird.

My husband is an entrepreneur and puts deals together all the time and in the last year and a half he has had one after another fall apart. So I have been feeling lately like whatever he does God is just not going to let him succeed for whatever reason and we will be out of money in a few weeks. He is working 3 jobs now all straight commission so I'm praying the Lord will provide and give us some direction. I guess I've just been feeling a little depressed and hopeless lately.

Alyssa:  oh rachel,

i am in tears...just tears. i had to stop reading halfway bc i was crying....i had NO idea why the Lord told me to email you at 4am like that...i was surely thinking you would think me a lunatic. i mean who does that? i am SO glad i listened and did it anyway so that He could speak to you in whispers like that. He is so faithful and kind to use a silly old friend whom you barely ever talk to through a dumb social network like facebook to whisper i love you...'i love you child, you are not alone, i have not forgotten...i will use the most divine strange way to speak this to your heart so you will know it could ONLY come from me.....i love you, you are mine. you are not alone. i am here and i am faithful. i am for you, hold on dear child of mine, hold on..."

i am so very sorry for how things have transpired and where things are now with rick's business and legal problems. i find no justice in it at all and want to scream that's not fair...and i am just on the out looking in....i imagine it must really feel like you have been forsaken and forgotten being on the inside of it all, BUT you have not. i will never understand the seasons He has us walk through but only have begun to understand that when we suffer, truly suffer with the deepest of soul groaning cries and moans of ache and searing pain and confusion, it is there where we meet the beginning of seeing a glimpse of what Christ's suffering was..we share in His suffering in that way somehow and we are never the same, ever.....i am praying for you to feel sustained and nourished with His spirit even when the dark is all around....i am praying that will be renewed with His mercy and peace in the coming weeks as you withstand more and more that's to come....i am so glad to have reconnected with you after all these years, so that i can carry these burdens with you, so that you aren't alone....persevering for His kingdom is never easy. but i am honored to fight for it with you. and will do so with prayer for you and your family.....

praying for you, so heavily on my heart... on my knees,

Me:  Thank you so much Alyssa for your tender heart and your loving encouragement and especially your prayers. I am so thankful to God for you. SO thankful!! An unexpected blessing that I needed in a winter storm.

In His Grace,
Rachel

And this is where the Lord began to show me that He is.  Where His blessings are.  Where the garden of knowledge and wisdom and faith grow in His Grace.  In the darkest, hopeless, faithless nights of the soul.   Where all I have left to turn to is Him.    Just like the prodigal son.  The father stood in the field and saw his lost rebellious boy in the distance, coming home.  And the father didn’t even wait for him to get there, he felt compassion for him and ran and embraced him and kissed him, and then threw a lavish celebration that he had come HOME!  (Luke 15:11-32)  And in those moments when I know how faithful God is when I have been angry and afraid and self-righteous and questioned His goodness and sovereignty and who He is; He woos me to Him in the sweetest most tender and gracious of ways, and the gift of grace pulses healing waters through my weak veins.  Right to the broken heart where healing takes place.  HOW GOOD is my God.   

My husband.   He can’t go outside.  He eats what he says is equivalent to dog food.  He sleeps on a thin piece of plastic over metal wires.  He has 40 roomies who have sad stories beyond anything we have ever experienced.  In there trying to help people.  Having me call other inmate’s family members to communicate with them because they don’t have money to call themselves, and trying to connect some of the other inmates with his personal attorney who has done nothing but love and support and fight for Rick.  A GOOD man of the law, and a GOOD man of the heart.  Fighting to keep his spirit up and walking through this with a grace and humility that makes my heart proud.  

So as we continue to wait, and continue to stretch, I will continue to trust that God is in the here and now opening us up to receive more of Him.  Beauty and Grace overflowing.  Comfort and Peace beyond understanding.  And Joy.  Deep rich penetrating Joy.  Even in the darkest of nights.

Please continue to pray.  For Rick's peace and comfort and joy in these miserable circumstances.  That the Lord would quickly get his case thru the govt system so he can be moved.  That God would give me what I need emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually to carry the weight of this and to be a good mother to my children, wife to Rick, and servant to Christ.  And that He would continue to provide.  

And to all those who have blessed us with the gifts that you have so graciously given, THANK YOU!!!  I am beyond humbled and grateful for these sweet, sweet blessings.  And we praise God and thank Him for you and for carrying this burden with us.  We could not do it alone.