Saturday was the first day I took all the kids to see their
dad. Their responses were heartbreaking to watch. I was a little surprised
because I thought I had prepared them. I
told them that we wouldn’t be able to touch daddy. That he would be behind glass with a
telephone. We would have to wait in line
and then go behind bars and walk down the hallway to where he would be sitting,
waiting on the phone to talk with us.
I had taken Lochlan, my youngest son a couple of days before. He is my most sensitive child and I didn’t
want to overwhelm Rick with bringing all of them at once for the first
time. He was of course anxious and
squirmy as we waited in line. When we
were finally checked in and they had room for us to go back, we waited for the
heavy metal doors to open in which we walked into the small standing place and
they shut us in. It was enclosed by
bars. I didn’t really know what kind of
impact this would have on my boy. I kept
asking him if he was okay. I kept asking
him if he was excited or scared or nervous.
He said all of the above. When we
walked down the hallway and turned the corner into the room with Rick, I could
just sense his little body tensing up. I
sat down on the stool and grabbed the phone and gave it to him. He couldn’t really talk. He didn’t know what to say or how to say what
he was really feeling. He gulped big
gulps and looked all around and just squirmed.
He started to cry a little which made his daddy tear up. Rick motioned for me to grab the phone. We started talking about other things so as
to keep everyone’s composure. Wil, one
of Rick’s best friends and business partners, was with me and took the phone for
a moment. Lochlan was still standing at
the glass looking very uncomfortable. I
decided to pick him up and hug him in which all the tears started rolling as
reality sank in.
These are the places where you feel so helpless and out of
control. Where the only thing I have to
offer this tender heart, and the BEST thing I can offer him, is the hope of
Christ. That suffering has a purpose and
God will not give us more than we can handle.
That God loves his daddy more than any person in this world and is FOR
his dad. That He is allowing this because
he has something beautiful and better for his dad and our family than we could
ever get from living a life without trials.
Sweet daddy. His love
language is touch. He thrives on giving
love through hugs and kisses and wrestling and swinging and tackling and back
rubs and whatever other way he can. This
has been the hardest part for him. Not
being able to give that love in the way God has gifted him in. In the way that brings joy to his deepest
parts.
Lochlan calmed down by the end of the visit and was able to
tell his dad goodbye. When we got home
he went to take a shower and get ready for bed.
The other kids were not home from soccer games yet, so I took a moment
and sat down to comfort him. I asked him
what he was thinking about. He got a
sweet little smile on his face and said “it’s kinda silly.” To which I replied, “that’s okay, would you
like to share with me what’s in your heart?”
He said so sweetly, “I have the awesomest, coolest, best daddy in the
whole world.” I LOVE how the Lord moves
in the hearts of kids. He wanted to lift
up his daddy’s name and was proud to claim him in the ugliest of conditions. It was HIS daddy and he wouldn’t have it any
other way!
Then came Saturday when I took them all. My dad came with me which I was so thankful
for. My 3 year old crazy daughter was
her normal crazy self. There is a sign
on the wall with all the rules and the one in red says that your visit will be
terminated if a child gets out of control.
She was the one I was worried about.
There is no controlling that little ball of fire when she gets “passionate”
about something. Like the water
fountain. She wanted a drink out of the
water fountain to which I refused but assured her we would get water when we
left. The tantrum meter started rising red
and I had to creatively calm her down. Then
when it was time to go back and Saxon told her she was going to jail, she
started crying and saying “I don’t want to go to jail, I scared”. Over and over and over and over again. Lovely.
When we got passed the bars and walked down the hall, I asked Saxon how
he was feeling. Nervous he said. I asked him if he wanted to talk to daddy
first in which he was hesitant.
Saxon is a pretty mature little 8 year old and can adapt to
change well and is not afraid of expressing his feelings. So I was surprised at his reaction to seeing
his dad. He got on the phone first, and
same as Lochlan, just couldn’t really speak.
Red faces and wet cheeks on both sides of the glass. Momma still holds it together comforting and
loving my sweet boy and looking at my man with reassuring eyes that we are going
to make it thru this. Arista wanted to hold the phone over and over to which the only words she would say was, "Hiiiii, how are you? I love you. I miss you". As soon as we got in the car the first thing Saxon says is, "I feel better now that I got to see him." It is just so crazy that no matter how much
you prepare for something, you can never really be prepared. The reality of the situation and seeing it
and living in it is much different than what we think it will be.
“I think of the end of His earthly life. Jesus Himself bends the knee in a garden and
weeps His own song: ‘Father, if you are
willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done’ (Luke
22:42). He opens wide His mouth and
accepts; He will drink this cup of suffering too. Why? For the greater joy. Joy now, joy forever. Conceived in grateful humility, Jesus faces
death in grateful humility. And I hear
it soft too, what all His life speaks;
Joy is in the acquiescing.” -Ann
VosKamp, One Thousand Gifts
That is the one thing that keeps me going. I know that this is the plan the Lord has for
me. I am not a victim. I can choose how I will respond to the
circumstances that God has allowed in our life, and I will choose to fight for
joy and accept God’s grace and pour out love and truth and help others and love
my husband well and love my kids well and seek all the beauty and goodness that
God gives each day, even when those days are heavy and dark, because that is
the only way to really live life.
Because life is going to hurt and break you and rip your heart out and
turn you upside down, but it doesn’t have to poison your spirit. That is a pill I won’t swallow. Anger and bitterness will not sow their
seeds in my heart and when they try to take up residents there, I will aggressively
work to remove them. Because I want joy,
even in these sorrows, God is giving joy. It
is a raw and real and beautiful gift that I am so blessed to experience. And He offers it freely and lovingly. And so I will drink my cup and acquiesce and
let His Grace fill my heart full.
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