Much to learn

“Do not be afraid; our fate

Cannot be taken from us; it is a gift.” ― Dante Alighieri, Inferno 

 

“Every day you preach to yourself a gospel of your loneliness, inability, and lack of resources or you faithfully preach to yourself the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.”  ― Paul David Tripp 

Rick arrived in Oklahoma about a week ago.  Thankfully he has been able to call me.  He says that it’s a bit of a rougher crowd up there.  The walls of the jail are pink and blue with his little cell a bright shade of pink.  Over a hundred inmates are housed in his pod and are constantly being transferred in and out.  There are only four phones which are frequently occupied and they have computers so he is now able to send emails.  It is not regular email, of course, it is thru a service and they charge Rick to send and receive messages… because of course email is so expensive…   There are only two showers for the whole pod in which they take when they receive a new “roll”.  This includes clean clothes a towel and a bar of soap.  There are no visitors allowed at any time in this facility.  He calls his 6’2” 350 lb “celly” (his bunk mate) big bear and apparently big bear desperately needs some beano.  He also had a strange request of Rick in which he asked him to shave his face.  Rick graciously declined feeling a little uncomfortable.  My husband somehow always crosses paths with characters who are a little off and push boundaries.  More of that story later...  I have been asking him to share some of his thoughts and experiences and he emailed me this morning something I can share with all of you.  

Days go by very slow and the people you hang with you get to know them fairly well. I miss my family & friends very much and there is no substitute for them. However, the few people you find on the inside that you click with, you bond with them quickly.  You are both subjected to the same amount of discomfort from being shuffled around from institution to institution while learning to live without your loved ones by your side.  People here who have been in the military say it is very similar in boot-camp.  The pain and discomfort creates a particular bond among strangers that runs deep in a short amount of time. 

I have recently experienced this on Thursday morning.  I have spent most of my hours with a guy from Kentucky who was with me in Seagoville.  When we arrived in OK we hooked up with this Muslim guy from Houston.  These were my running mates for the last 2 weeks.  Conversations among us were intense from the start.  (18 hours a day for 2 1/2 weeks)  We all had the same agenda, who can we trust, relate to, and enjoy each other’s company as we sit through time waiting for our name to be called.  I learned to play pea knuckle, take a beating in chess day after day.  I learned how Muslims view Jesus and how the Koran has similar stories as the Old Testament.  I learned that good friends can be made instantly if you have the same mind-set as a young child on the play ground.  (My wife says I have never had problems in that area.)  I look for comfort in God and he has extended His grace to me in the relationships I've made in the last 3 months.  I am thankful for each of them and how they have made my walk through this time bearable.

This morning I awoke for breakfast and both of my friends had departed for their new destinations.  I was not expecting to eat breakfast alone, I felt like a pansy because I miss these 2 guys who I had just met.  Working through my grief I know it was worth the effort and vulnerability.  These are gifts from my God, letting me know he is with me. 

So sweet what the Lord is teaching him.  He is showing him that He loves him and is with him in the dark trapped uncomfortable places maybe not so unlike the belly of a fish.  Relationships and friendships and cultures and people are things that Rick thrives off of and God is giving gifts and grace to a son He loves behind the foul concrete walls.  God’s mercies are neither limited nor contained.  

There are days that I feel peace and hope and comfort in the Lord that He will take care of us and provide for us and bring beauty from ashes.  And then there are days that I feel like He has turned His back on us and not given answers or financial security fast enough or putting up more challenges than we can handle and feeling like he has closed the door and nailed it shut.  And those are the days the fight is most intense.  He never changes or forsakes or drops the ball.  My feelings are quite the opposite.  He is always faithful and gracious and good.  But my weak flesh turns its eyes on worldly saviors rather than on my eternal One.  I want to be self-reliant and in control.  I want to be in the know and have all my comforts and not be bothered by temper tantrums and perpetual messes and kid’s homework and everything else.  I want to live in my own world and bring God into my court of judgment and tell Him how He needs to do it better.  And really these are the hardest days because I am not resting in His Grace and trusting in His sovereignty.  I am looking at the storm raging and not on the One who the wind and the waves obey.  I am focused on what I don’t have rather than on what the Lord has given me.  A daughter of Eve.  She was told she could have anything she wanted in the garden but the one fruit.  And she could not take her eyes off it.  This made her vulnerable to being deceived and then engaging in sin which led to destruction and separation and a broken and fractured world.  All because her heart had turned away from her Creator to the creation.  

Praise God for His crazy beautiful relentless pursuit of the rebel.  The object of His love, not because He needs us, but because we need Him.  It is a spiritual fight, no doubt.  And on those days where my heart is weary and my flesh is weak, I can run to Him and lay my burden down at his feet and let Him carry it.  And He longs to do so.  “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” –Matthew 11:28-30   …gentle and humble in heart…yes, I have much to learn…

We plan to go to Big Spring to visit Rick as much as we can.  Anyone that has extra Southwest Airlines passes or has friends/co-workers with them and would like to donate them please let me know.   There is a La Quinta and Hampton Inn we can stay at there, so if anyone has any hookups in the hotel biz, please let me know.  Anyone with car rental discount hookups, please let me know.  Any other creative resourceful people out there with ideas/suggestions on how to do this as cheap as we can, I would love love love your input.  You can email me at rachpayne@verizon.net.  Rick can only have 5 visitors at a time including the kids so that will just be our family and one of our parents who can go at a time.  Thank you for your prayers and love and encouragement!!!  They help us fight the good fight…and HE SUSTAINS!!

 

On the move...

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” - C.S. Lewis

I’ve only talked to Rick a few times in the last week.  The first time was two days after they had moved him out of Denton County Jail.  He told me they had taken him all over the Dallas metroplex.  He had gone from Denton to Plano to Sherman back to Plano and then they put him in a county jail in Bonham, TX.  This all happened between Wednesday and Friday of last week.  He was put in a detox cell where some guy had vomited everywhere and Rick had to sit on the concrete floor for 6 hours inhaling the stench.  In another holding cell he slept on the stone cold ground without even a blanket.   They didn’t administer his medication that he needs to keep his heart healthy.  He has two stints in two of the main arteries in his heart after having an emergency procedure in January and his meds keep his heart healthy.  They didn’t feed him for 14 hours in one stretch and he had nowhere to shower.  Shackled like a dangerous animal, moved from cage to cage.  To finally land South in Seagoville detention center where he would wait to be moved once again.  

It was a very rough few days.  He said there were times where he felt like he was going to lose his mind and then he would pray and a guard would come and move him again.  He is happy to be out of the county system and in the Federal system.  The accommodations are much better and the prisoners are not micromanaged by guards.  There is more room to move around and exercise.  The food is less like dog chow, they have regular mattresses, and he now has a pillow.  He can use a normal razor and shaving cream so he has shaved his face.  There is more privacy when taking a shower and using the restroom.  He sounds relieved and hopeful.   It’s the little things…  He went from a navy blue scrub type uniform to a bright orange frock.  And he has already made friends.

And then there’s Ty.  He is the wolf clad in sheepskin that lured Rick into his den of lies and stole so much from so many including us.  He too is in Seagoville.  A fateful encounter.  A sweet and unexpected grace arranged by a loving God.  Rick ate lunch with Ty the first day he was there.  He laid down the burden of bitterness and anger over a prison meal.  And Ty apologized and Rick forgave and the freedom that even prison can’t abolish was granted to a wounded soul.  How good is the Lord that He would orchestrate such a meeting to mend hearts and remove baggage and liberate from darkness.  He is a God at work for our good and His glory and blesses richly even in the most broken and ugly places.  

I went down on Sunday with my step-dad who is an attorney to see if they would let me in with him on an attorney visit, but they wouldn’t.  I have to fill out some paperwork and have a background check which can take about 3 weeks to process.  It was extremely disappointing, but I’m so grateful he got to hug someone he loves.  

They are moving him today to Oklahoma.  This is where all the Federal prisoners in the United States are brought before they are taken to their destination.  He will be leaving Seagoville on a bus with 25 other souls and picking up more along the way.  This reality still seems like a movie to me.  I wonder who he will meet, what he will see, what stories he will hear, what experiences he will have.  When I spoke with him yesterday he was telling me some of the dynamics of the prison and how it is segregated among the races and there is a spokesperson for each race who communicate to one another.   He was telling me about the guards.  They have women guards in there instructing these men.  This is CRAZY!  He was telling me some of the funny stories of how the inmates interact with the guards and each other and how the crazy woman guard calls them “mens” when addressing them as a whole.  We were having a good laugh.  You can always count on Rick to see the humor and make jokes in a sad situation like this.  But I’m thankful for a good laugh with him.  It makes it feel normal somehow.  

He will be in Oklahoma for a week or two and then finally be taken to Big Spring, TX where he will serve the rest of his sentence.  It is a 5 hour drive from where we live.  I probably won’t get to see him for another 3 weeks.  I may not get to talk to him for 2 weeks while he is in Oklahoma.  This has been the hardest part for me.   Not knowing if he’s safe and where he is and what he’s going thru and if he needs anything.  And then the distance.  I have no idea how we are even going to be able to afford to see him that often.  And driving with 3 small children 10 hours on the road for just a day or two honestly seems excruciating.  It feels like too much and somewhat impossible, but I know the Lord will make a way if it is His will.  He is up to something…

I’ve been weepy all week as what lies ahead starts to settle in this jolted heart.  Wiping away big tears falling on soft cheeks holding tight my little brood as I convey the dismal news.  And we let it rain.  But not without Hope.  For “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy” –Psalm 126:5.  There is a Living Hope.  Foretold by ancient prophets long ago came to pass an eve that will soon be celebrated by many.  It is not in getting everything we want and it is not in perfect circumstances or toys or security or people.  All of these things will betray us.  They will never give what our heart longs for.  “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end”  -Ecclesiastes 3:11.  Jesus has come to save and heal and redeem.  And this is the GREATEST HOPE that we could ever have.  He is the Answer to our hearts calling from the deepest place.   He will carry us through this treacherous valley with grace and renew our strength when we feel we can’t go another step and surround us with his army of saints praying and loving and fighting faithfully with us.  A treasure, a gift, a hero, a Savior.  We get Him, and He is enough!

So we wait.  We forge on.  And we persevere.  And Christmas seems sweeter this year.   Not because we have more stuff, but because we have more of Him.  And life is more meaningful in ways that I have never known.   He is showing me how much He loves me by the prayers of so many, the encouraging words and gifts that help so much, our family who is gracious and lives sacrificially, our church home group who has rallied to serve and bless us, and beautiful friends who have cried with me and loved me and been so generous.  “Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living” –Ann VosKamp.  So this is really living...all for the Glory of His name.

A BETTER update!

Just talked to Rick.  He is in the Seagoville Detention Center which is just south of Dallas, waiting to be moved to Big Springs, TX Federal "Martha Stewart" Camp.  This is about 5 hours from where we live.  It may take one to two weeks to move him, meanwhile we are going to try and see if there is a bed open in Ft. Worth.  He says the facility is much better and has better food and mattresses.  Air Conditioning is out which will be fixed on Monday, so unfortunately in December in TX, this is a problem.  REALLY?!?!?!  Many stories to be told and details to come.  I just wanted to give the basic info for all who are concerned.  He did get part of his meds, and should get the rest soon as they are ordering them. 

Love to all you faithful friends and prayer warriors who love our Rick so well!  I cannot wait to share some of the crazy details of his journey and to hug and kiss his flesh very soon....

God is soooooo good!!!!

An update...

Still do not know where Rick's final destination will be.  They have moved him 5-6 times since Wednesday.  He called me for the first time last night and is in a county jail up north.  He said its been horrible what he's been thru so please keep praying.  They haven't given him his medication that he needs for his heart to function properly since Wednesday.  I'll provide more details when I get them and will post his location as soon as I know. 

When it won't go away...

"... pain insists upon being attended to.  God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains;  it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."  C.S. Lewis

Pain.   It seems to slow down the pace of time.  It awakens the senses to a lost and broken and dying world.  If I had no pain, I might want to stay here, in this space of time and gravity and earth, and not with my God.  So maybe this pain…raw, burning, searing…is a gift.  A constant companion that I can’t control or evict from my heart.  I can’t destroy it or numb it or run from it.  It pulses harder some days and stings at certain moments, but it continues to haunt me.  And too much have I been focused on how to get rid of it, when I finally realized it’s not going to go away.  So what do I do with that sobering reality?  Because I know my God gives good gifts to His children and is for me and loves me and is not punishing me.  What do I do with this hurt?  

A gift.  Pain.  To unwrap what’s inside and accept it and receive God’s blessings.  He has somehow counted me worthy of trust to walk the road of suffering for the Glory of His name.  Because this pain really isn’t about me.  And as crazy as it is to proclaim the truth that it is about the Glory and Goodness of God, I am beginning to see.  And before I went through something so heart wrenching, I don’t think I would have believed that God would use suffering to show us who He really is, but now I know.  I have heard the cancer patients praise him for their cancer.  I have heard the severe mercies of unimaginable tragedy bring people to their knees crying out for a Savior Who saves.  And now I travel the path of sorrow while experiencing a joy and a peace and strength that I cannot explain or could not have manufactured on my own.  My Savior is showing me more of Himself.  And I am falling more deeply in love.

Thanksgiving was somehow extra sweet this year.   On the way to my aunt’s house I was listening to Christmas music which didn’t really have the same cheer behind it.  Which made me sad because Christmas music has always brought so much joy to my heart and our family and I just wasn’t really feelin’ it.  And then I walked into a house with fragrant smells of Thanksgiving and warm smiles and tight hugs.  It was a beautiful day.  My aunt’s house backs up to a pasture of treasures.   The sun bursting golden on the dancing grass in the breeze, rustling sounds of leaves and warm wind on my face.  Longhorns trekking through the pasture at the call of my uncle with a bucket full of treats.  A sweet pond snuggled on the side of a hill reflecting a glorious sunset.    And the smells.  Sweet smells of creation and food and children bathed in the outside wonder.   

Joy.  It was a house and thanksgiving filled with joy.  And it was beautiful and life giving and I felt so thankful to be there with my family who love Rick and miss him and love our family so well.  Medicine for a weary soul.  The kids had such a good time fishing and off-roading in the pickup truck and running through the fields and feeding the cows spending time with so many people who love them.  This was a precious gift from my good God.  Love my family so much.  And so thankful for all their Grace.  Christmas music blues no more…

They are moving Rick today.  That is the good news.  The very disappointing news is that it will not be in the DFW metroplex.  We don’t know where yet.  I hope to know by today or tomorrow, in which I will post an update.  Shreveport, LA is where his attorney said they had sent 2 of their clients recently.  That is a little over a 3 hour drive.  With 3 young children, this is a very difficult thing.  Especially with their sports games on the weekends and all of our activities and when I start working full time, it will be very burdensome.  And I guess I’m really sad.  Another dose of reality.  Another layer of pain.  Perhaps a chance to receive another gift.   God knew all along where Rick needed to go.  He has a perfect place ready and waiting for him.  A place where He will continue to prune and mold and shape his heart into the man that God created him to be.  A mission field where he can share the good news of the Gospel and bring light into darkness and serve and love and touch people’s lives.  That’s what Rick does wherever he goes.  All for the Glory of God.  

‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’  The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’   ~ Matthew 25:39-40

So what lies ahead is unknown.   The thought of finally getting to hug and touch him, is eclipsed by the thought of how often we will actually be able to go see him, depending how far away it is.  Last night I saw him one last time behind glass.  He was leaning on the Lord and trusting him.  He was encouraging me in my sorrow that we would get thru what lies ahead.   He was sharing the sweet goodbye he had received from his fellow convicts.  So good to see him like that.  A blessing.  A gift.  From a good and loving and faithful God.

Trusting the Lord is in no way a passive verb.  It takes a lot of sweat and tears and seeking and wrestling.  The Bible is the Living Word and reading it is sweet manna for my soul.  I have been in the Psalms for these last months.  And it never fails that on days of new trials, there is always the perfect word on the chapter that I am to read that day.  Today was Psalm 73.

“Surely God is good to Israel,

To those who are pure in heart!

But as for me, my feet came close to stumbling,

My steps had almost slipped” (Vs 1-2)

When my heart was embittered

And I was pierced within,

Then I was senseless and ignorant;

I was like a beast before You.

Nevertheless I am continually with You;

You have taken hold of my right hand.

With Your counsel You will guide me,

And afterward receive me to glory.” (vs 21-24)

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (vs 25-26)

“But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

That I may tell of all Your works.”(vs28)