When it won't go away...

"... pain insists upon being attended to.  God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains;  it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."  C.S. Lewis

Pain.   It seems to slow down the pace of time.  It awakens the senses to a lost and broken and dying world.  If I had no pain, I might want to stay here, in this space of time and gravity and earth, and not with my God.  So maybe this pain…raw, burning, searing…is a gift.  A constant companion that I can’t control or evict from my heart.  I can’t destroy it or numb it or run from it.  It pulses harder some days and stings at certain moments, but it continues to haunt me.  And too much have I been focused on how to get rid of it, when I finally realized it’s not going to go away.  So what do I do with that sobering reality?  Because I know my God gives good gifts to His children and is for me and loves me and is not punishing me.  What do I do with this hurt?  

A gift.  Pain.  To unwrap what’s inside and accept it and receive God’s blessings.  He has somehow counted me worthy of trust to walk the road of suffering for the Glory of His name.  Because this pain really isn’t about me.  And as crazy as it is to proclaim the truth that it is about the Glory and Goodness of God, I am beginning to see.  And before I went through something so heart wrenching, I don’t think I would have believed that God would use suffering to show us who He really is, but now I know.  I have heard the cancer patients praise him for their cancer.  I have heard the severe mercies of unimaginable tragedy bring people to their knees crying out for a Savior Who saves.  And now I travel the path of sorrow while experiencing a joy and a peace and strength that I cannot explain or could not have manufactured on my own.  My Savior is showing me more of Himself.  And I am falling more deeply in love.

Thanksgiving was somehow extra sweet this year.   On the way to my aunt’s house I was listening to Christmas music which didn’t really have the same cheer behind it.  Which made me sad because Christmas music has always brought so much joy to my heart and our family and I just wasn’t really feelin’ it.  And then I walked into a house with fragrant smells of Thanksgiving and warm smiles and tight hugs.  It was a beautiful day.  My aunt’s house backs up to a pasture of treasures.   The sun bursting golden on the dancing grass in the breeze, rustling sounds of leaves and warm wind on my face.  Longhorns trekking through the pasture at the call of my uncle with a bucket full of treats.  A sweet pond snuggled on the side of a hill reflecting a glorious sunset.    And the smells.  Sweet smells of creation and food and children bathed in the outside wonder.   

Joy.  It was a house and thanksgiving filled with joy.  And it was beautiful and life giving and I felt so thankful to be there with my family who love Rick and miss him and love our family so well.  Medicine for a weary soul.  The kids had such a good time fishing and off-roading in the pickup truck and running through the fields and feeding the cows spending time with so many people who love them.  This was a precious gift from my good God.  Love my family so much.  And so thankful for all their Grace.  Christmas music blues no more…

They are moving Rick today.  That is the good news.  The very disappointing news is that it will not be in the DFW metroplex.  We don’t know where yet.  I hope to know by today or tomorrow, in which I will post an update.  Shreveport, LA is where his attorney said they had sent 2 of their clients recently.  That is a little over a 3 hour drive.  With 3 young children, this is a very difficult thing.  Especially with their sports games on the weekends and all of our activities and when I start working full time, it will be very burdensome.  And I guess I’m really sad.  Another dose of reality.  Another layer of pain.  Perhaps a chance to receive another gift.   God knew all along where Rick needed to go.  He has a perfect place ready and waiting for him.  A place where He will continue to prune and mold and shape his heart into the man that God created him to be.  A mission field where he can share the good news of the Gospel and bring light into darkness and serve and love and touch people’s lives.  That’s what Rick does wherever he goes.  All for the Glory of God.  

‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’  The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’   ~ Matthew 25:39-40

So what lies ahead is unknown.   The thought of finally getting to hug and touch him, is eclipsed by the thought of how often we will actually be able to go see him, depending how far away it is.  Last night I saw him one last time behind glass.  He was leaning on the Lord and trusting him.  He was encouraging me in my sorrow that we would get thru what lies ahead.   He was sharing the sweet goodbye he had received from his fellow convicts.  So good to see him like that.  A blessing.  A gift.  From a good and loving and faithful God.

Trusting the Lord is in no way a passive verb.  It takes a lot of sweat and tears and seeking and wrestling.  The Bible is the Living Word and reading it is sweet manna for my soul.  I have been in the Psalms for these last months.  And it never fails that on days of new trials, there is always the perfect word on the chapter that I am to read that day.  Today was Psalm 73.

“Surely God is good to Israel,

To those who are pure in heart!

But as for me, my feet came close to stumbling,

My steps had almost slipped” (Vs 1-2)

When my heart was embittered

And I was pierced within,

Then I was senseless and ignorant;

I was like a beast before You.

Nevertheless I am continually with You;

You have taken hold of my right hand.

With Your counsel You will guide me,

And afterward receive me to glory.” (vs 21-24)

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (vs 25-26)

“But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

That I may tell of all Your works.”(vs28)