Much to learn

“Do not be afraid; our fate

Cannot be taken from us; it is a gift.” ― Dante Alighieri, Inferno 

 

“Every day you preach to yourself a gospel of your loneliness, inability, and lack of resources or you faithfully preach to yourself the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.”  ― Paul David Tripp 

Rick arrived in Oklahoma about a week ago.  Thankfully he has been able to call me.  He says that it’s a bit of a rougher crowd up there.  The walls of the jail are pink and blue with his little cell a bright shade of pink.  Over a hundred inmates are housed in his pod and are constantly being transferred in and out.  There are only four phones which are frequently occupied and they have computers so he is now able to send emails.  It is not regular email, of course, it is thru a service and they charge Rick to send and receive messages… because of course email is so expensive…   There are only two showers for the whole pod in which they take when they receive a new “roll”.  This includes clean clothes a towel and a bar of soap.  There are no visitors allowed at any time in this facility.  He calls his 6’2” 350 lb “celly” (his bunk mate) big bear and apparently big bear desperately needs some beano.  He also had a strange request of Rick in which he asked him to shave his face.  Rick graciously declined feeling a little uncomfortable.  My husband somehow always crosses paths with characters who are a little off and push boundaries.  More of that story later...  I have been asking him to share some of his thoughts and experiences and he emailed me this morning something I can share with all of you.  

Days go by very slow and the people you hang with you get to know them fairly well. I miss my family & friends very much and there is no substitute for them. However, the few people you find on the inside that you click with, you bond with them quickly.  You are both subjected to the same amount of discomfort from being shuffled around from institution to institution while learning to live without your loved ones by your side.  People here who have been in the military say it is very similar in boot-camp.  The pain and discomfort creates a particular bond among strangers that runs deep in a short amount of time. 

I have recently experienced this on Thursday morning.  I have spent most of my hours with a guy from Kentucky who was with me in Seagoville.  When we arrived in OK we hooked up with this Muslim guy from Houston.  These were my running mates for the last 2 weeks.  Conversations among us were intense from the start.  (18 hours a day for 2 1/2 weeks)  We all had the same agenda, who can we trust, relate to, and enjoy each other’s company as we sit through time waiting for our name to be called.  I learned to play pea knuckle, take a beating in chess day after day.  I learned how Muslims view Jesus and how the Koran has similar stories as the Old Testament.  I learned that good friends can be made instantly if you have the same mind-set as a young child on the play ground.  (My wife says I have never had problems in that area.)  I look for comfort in God and he has extended His grace to me in the relationships I've made in the last 3 months.  I am thankful for each of them and how they have made my walk through this time bearable.

This morning I awoke for breakfast and both of my friends had departed for their new destinations.  I was not expecting to eat breakfast alone, I felt like a pansy because I miss these 2 guys who I had just met.  Working through my grief I know it was worth the effort and vulnerability.  These are gifts from my God, letting me know he is with me. 

So sweet what the Lord is teaching him.  He is showing him that He loves him and is with him in the dark trapped uncomfortable places maybe not so unlike the belly of a fish.  Relationships and friendships and cultures and people are things that Rick thrives off of and God is giving gifts and grace to a son He loves behind the foul concrete walls.  God’s mercies are neither limited nor contained.  

There are days that I feel peace and hope and comfort in the Lord that He will take care of us and provide for us and bring beauty from ashes.  And then there are days that I feel like He has turned His back on us and not given answers or financial security fast enough or putting up more challenges than we can handle and feeling like he has closed the door and nailed it shut.  And those are the days the fight is most intense.  He never changes or forsakes or drops the ball.  My feelings are quite the opposite.  He is always faithful and gracious and good.  But my weak flesh turns its eyes on worldly saviors rather than on my eternal One.  I want to be self-reliant and in control.  I want to be in the know and have all my comforts and not be bothered by temper tantrums and perpetual messes and kid’s homework and everything else.  I want to live in my own world and bring God into my court of judgment and tell Him how He needs to do it better.  And really these are the hardest days because I am not resting in His Grace and trusting in His sovereignty.  I am looking at the storm raging and not on the One who the wind and the waves obey.  I am focused on what I don’t have rather than on what the Lord has given me.  A daughter of Eve.  She was told she could have anything she wanted in the garden but the one fruit.  And she could not take her eyes off it.  This made her vulnerable to being deceived and then engaging in sin which led to destruction and separation and a broken and fractured world.  All because her heart had turned away from her Creator to the creation.  

Praise God for His crazy beautiful relentless pursuit of the rebel.  The object of His love, not because He needs us, but because we need Him.  It is a spiritual fight, no doubt.  And on those days where my heart is weary and my flesh is weak, I can run to Him and lay my burden down at his feet and let Him carry it.  And He longs to do so.  “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” –Matthew 11:28-30   …gentle and humble in heart…yes, I have much to learn…

We plan to go to Big Spring to visit Rick as much as we can.  Anyone that has extra Southwest Airlines passes or has friends/co-workers with them and would like to donate them please let me know.   There is a La Quinta and Hampton Inn we can stay at there, so if anyone has any hookups in the hotel biz, please let me know.  Anyone with car rental discount hookups, please let me know.  Any other creative resourceful people out there with ideas/suggestions on how to do this as cheap as we can, I would love love love your input.  You can email me at rachpayne@verizon.net.  Rick can only have 5 visitors at a time including the kids so that will just be our family and one of our parents who can go at a time.  Thank you for your prayers and love and encouragement!!!  They help us fight the good fight…and HE SUSTAINS!!