“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
“Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.” ~C.S. Lewis
“Imagination projects unreal
images out of the mind and seeks to attach reality to them. Faith creates nothing; it simply reckons upon
that which is already there.” ~A.W. Tozer,
The Pursuit of God
It was dark and lovely and the early morning chill prickled
excitement as I set out for the airport.
I arrived in Midland and went downstairs to the lobby and to wait. The sand of time funneling its last grains
through as I sat with anticipation.
Time experienced in a new way this year. Days stretched long like a winter storm
commanding all to halt in the deep white freeze. And then the melting begins.
He walked through the doors in a bright yellow jacket over a
collared shirt and stiff jeans that they gave him to wear out into the “real”
world. I had to snap pictures…and then
more pictures as he went to change back into his own clothes. Wanting to capture every sweet joy brimming
grace of freedoms taken for granted. He
emerged smiling and joking walking brave out of an undignified vile system that
breeds darkness. But in the darkest of
dark…the true Light of Life burns…
He carries a year and a half of contained emotions that he
said made him numb. Unable to express
the sorrows and longings and desires and emptiness along with the rage and
injustice and neglect and living with 220 men all on top of each other sharing 20
showers and 20 bathroom stalls and 8 phones.
And correctional officers who abuse power for their own enjoyment…and
being unable to go to a doctor and be properly treated for a life threatening
condition and to reside with people who are in an environment that fosters self
preservation hence narcissism has been…a repeated… lashing…on the soul.
He sat quietly looking out the window at the planes taking
flight to open skies and shared the hidden beauty of that place. In all of his life he struggled to hear the
still small voice of God speaking into his heart. He used to get so frustrated with the Lord as
to why he could not discern the Holy Spirit’s prompting and incredulous to
those who proclaimed they could hear.
Lying on his bed with his eyes closed and worldly pleasures extinct…the
eternal Living God of the universe made Himself known. Right in the foul dark chaos of prison…His
voice became crystal clear. And my heart
wept joy and gratitude for Grace coming into the desert and revealing Himself
to Rick as he has so longed to hear His voice!
“He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the
wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his
eye” –Deuteronomy 32:10
The Lord did not abandon him. He was with him every moment of every long
hour ticking away the days.
And Rick became a messenger proclaiming the Gospel which
literally means “good news” to those who were weary.
Everyone told him how to be when he went “in”. Don’t talk to anyone keep your head down and
don’t make eye contact and don’t ask all those questions you like to ask and try
and keep to yourself. But that’s just
not who Rick is. He can’t help
himself. He loves people and he loves
life and he wants to know what people are about and have relationships. And because of it he made a difference in the
lives of the souls who he came in contact with.
His Bunkie who slept on the bottom of his 3 man bunk and had
been in prison for almost 20 years for working for the drug cartel told him he
was the best Bunkie he had ever had and he was sad to see him go. He also apologized to him for spraying
chemicals on his bed when Rick went thru the scabies episode, which Rick said during that time his sheets were hurting him and he didn’t
know why. This is the “gringo…you cry?”
guy from my first post in Big Spring.
The other guys started distancing themselves the last few weeks before Rick left. Rick said it’s what people do when others leave. They become aloof and angry at the ones leaving because they’re sad to be losing someone they have let themselves become friends with and angry because they are left behind. His counselor (the go to person for all the inmates in Rick’s camp) who had become a huge advocate for him while he was in there gave Rick his contact information so they could stay in touch…how…weird…is…that.
The other guys started distancing themselves the last few weeks before Rick left. Rick said it’s what people do when others leave. They become aloof and angry at the ones leaving because they’re sad to be losing someone they have let themselves become friends with and angry because they are left behind. His counselor (the go to person for all the inmates in Rick’s camp) who had become a huge advocate for him while he was in there gave Rick his contact information so they could stay in touch…how…weird…is…that.
What a wonderful feeling it was to sit on comfortable chairs
and hug and talk without an audience and a babysitter. He shared stories of all the misery of being
shackled and trying to eat and drink and sit in a tiny chair on a moving bus
for 4 hours and being locked up in a tiny room from one transportation site to
the next. All the while laughing as he
acted out the ridiculousness of it like a Saturday night live skit. One of the many things I love about him. That he can laugh in the face of adversity.
We boarded the plane and held each other’s hands and the
engines roared resolve. The hardest part
was over. Lifting off that tarmac for
the last time and this time not alone.
When we landed in Dallas we had to hurry because our plane
had been late and he had to be at the halfway house at a certain time. It is south of Dallas in Hutchins and there
really isn’t much around it. Driving up
the red brick building reminded me of an old nursing home. I felt relieved that it wasn’t frightful
looking.
I remembered when I dropped him off September 28, 2012 at
the Denton county jail and the sinking feeling almost made me throw up. I had never even seen a jail and the sight of
it was horrible and the long haul in front of us too much to bear.
This was so much different.
The building looked harmless and there was no razor wire to be
seen.
I had packed a bag full of treasures that he was unable to
use in Big Spring. Like fragrant mint
soap and shaving cream and a double edged raiser and good deodorant and soft
pants and shirts and an electric toothbrush which he said was his favorite
thing. He brushed his teeth over and
over and over.
Since then we have talked on the phone as much as we’ve
wanted without the recording of a woman stating “this call is from a federal
prison…”. He has started working in Flower Mound and we get to
see him more often.
All of that has been amazing. He has had many friends come by to see him
and been able to call others he’s been out of touch with for over a year and
there has been so much joy just having him close…especially with the kids. My daughter gets excited when we kiss or hold
hands…she grins and giggles and says, “ya’ll are married…”.
Moving forward there are huge new mountains ahead of us (just like that darn bear) and
the terrain of these next few months and years will come along new
challenges. The halfway house makes it
incredibly complicated to integrate back into life and make money. Rick is a go getter with an entrepreneurial
spirit. He needs to have a car and be
mobile and a cell phone and normal things people need to get the ball rolling.
He has to get all of these things approved yet they make it
extremely difficult. Like crazy
difficult. He can’t leave the store to
get a cell phone but he has to have a cell phone and number before he can get
it approved. Same thing with a car.
He can’t go home until he has an archaic phone line hooked
up with a bill and a letter from the phone company stating that the phone line
has no calling features. I have spent
hours upon hours with Verizon trying to get this accomplished.
He
has to pay 25% restitution from his paycheck and that money goes not to the “injured
parties” but to the government for interest…can someone explain to me why the government
collects the interest from the parties that lost their money? I don’t know about you…but that seems criminal
to me. The government is making money
off of victim’s restitution and the victims get nothing. And it’s 2% of 2.8 million dollars so the
injured parties will likely never see a dime unless the Lord comes in and parts
the red seas…which I know He can…I just hope that He’s willing.
Not to mention it’s a huge pill to swallow writing that check when Rick never took any money from anyone. He lost all that he had from doing business with a person he thought was his friend. One bad decision ripples destruction…but not defeat. The Lord orchestrated it all and it…is…good.
I’ll be honest…I don’t really want to climb anymore mountains. I just want to sit back and coast for awhile. I just want to have my husband at home with his family and reconnect and not have to think about any of these challenges ahead. But the Lord's work is not done here.
Not to mention it’s a huge pill to swallow writing that check when Rick never took any money from anyone. He lost all that he had from doing business with a person he thought was his friend. One bad decision ripples destruction…but not defeat. The Lord orchestrated it all and it…is…good.
I’ll be honest…I don’t really want to climb anymore mountains. I just want to sit back and coast for awhile. I just want to have my husband at home with his family and reconnect and not have to think about any of these challenges ahead. But the Lord's work is not done here.
He's got something better up His sleeve. The bigger the challenge...the more amazing the Glory...and if we get more of Him...than coasting would rob us of life's greatest Treasure. "I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ"-Philippians 3:8.
This is a new chapter of a story about Hope, redemption…and
God’s saving Grace. It’s His Story. And Grace leads the way through every storm…every
desert…and every impassible road that may present itself before us. WE. CANNOT. SEE. AHEAD…but we can trust in THE WAY.
For He has brought us this far.
I love the Bible and how it is FULL Of these stories. Injustice.
Unfairness. Pain. Suffering. Impossible circumstances. And most of all broken messed up people. And
how through all of it you can see God’s hand.
Working in the lives of His people.
Displaying His goodness and His glory.
One of my favorites is Joseph who was sold into slavery by
his brothers and taken to Egypt (Genesis 37).
He was sold to a man who found favor in him but whose wife lusted after
him and accused him of a crime he did not commit. He was thrown into prison where he then found
favor in the eyes of the prison keeper but where he sat for years…until the
Lord used the gift He had given him…the one that had caused his brothers to
sell him into slavery…to release him from prison and into the favor of Pharaoh…where
he was put in charge of ruling the country…and then his brothers came down to Egypt. And asked him for help during a horrible
famine in the land. And he says…”As for
you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about
that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” –Genesis 50:20. That act of evil saved a nation of
people…God’s people.
So I trust the Lord…and sometimes that trust comes with many
tears and confessions and a large helping of humble pie...which I might add…is
the kind of pie that takes weight off the heart and heals egocentrism. I pray that He will allow us to pay off the whole
restitution before Rick’s probation is up in 3 years. And that all of this strenuous faith walking
will bring about soul conditioning and heart reshaping that will prepare us for
greater callings. God is able…and I’m
not afraid to pray for what seems impossible.
Because the Truth tells me “nothing is impossible with God” –Luke
1:37. That’s where I plant my feet. On that Rock.
And when doubt and fear creep in…I will raise my Ebenezer. “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up
between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now
the LORD has helped us” -1 Samuel 7:13.
2012-2013 seemed like an impossible year to get thru in so many ways and
here we are on the other side…He was faithful and will continue to be. I love the movie After Earth. A beautiful allegory of our walk with God
(Hollywood can’t help but knit Truth into their stories…it’s what moves the
hearts of men) of fear and faith and claiming truth in the face of fear.
Here’s a quote from the movie…“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.”
Here’s a quote from the movie…“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.”
He has brought us this far…He will continue to carry us
through life’s joys and sorrows and hardships.
For He is a God who saves. And so we’ll move on…ahead…and forward. Straight into the impassible roads
ahead. Just like the Israelites did so
many years ago…and God made a way…
14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
15 Then
the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites
to move on.
16 Raise your staff and stretch
out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go
through the sea on dry ground. 17 I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that
they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his
army, through his chariots and his horsemen. 18 The Egyptians will know that
I am the Lord when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen.”
19 Then
the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel’s army, withdrew
and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood
behind them, 20 coming
between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought
darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the
other all night long.
21 Then
Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and
turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, 22 and the Israelites went through the sea on dry
ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.” -Exodus 14:14-22
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