A New Dawn...

"Grief may well be one of the most surprising journeys you've ever been on. You could be surprised at the intensity of your pain. You are likely surprised by some people's reactions to your pain. It's possibly surprising that grief is a lifelong adaptation to loss. And you may find surprise in the places that grief can take you, places of growth, love, and compassion. Try to be open to the unexpected."

“Courage is found in unlikely places.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien

Raw.  Deep.  Hollow.  Shivering grief.  A scab ripped off and fresh tears fall.  Seeing him for the first time in so long, hugging him and touching him…the reality of his absence and where he is, seeing him clad in a hunter green uniform with black combat boots felt like a punch in the gut.  I’ve had a hard time coming back up to breathe the last couple of days.  Processing it all and swimming thru the thick pain.  Will it be like this every time?  Will I ever get used to this life?  The sorrow feels so lonely.  No earthly remedy can cure it.  I can’t make it go away or even subdue its potency.  There’s only one place to go.  One person.  The only One I know that can hold me tight and carry me through and take my burden and make it light.  Sweet Jesus.  My precious Redeemer and Savior.  Who knows the grief and pain and sorrow of this life.  For “He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.”  -Isaiah 53:3

We arrived in Big Spring Friday afternoon.  We drove straight to the prison to see if they had received my mom’s paper work so she could see him.  Driving off the highway on a narrow empty road, crumbling building after building all boarded up and abandoned lined the way.  It appeared as if something had happened to the town at one frozen point in time and much was deserted.  Maybe when they closed the air force base or maybe when the oil industry went bust.  It seemed lost and forgotten.  Maybe not unlike the souls behind the walls of the prison that lived just down the way.

We drove up to the main building.  Frigid wind blowing as flags saluted this once noble place, and I went in to inquire.   There were a few men sitting outside wearing grey sweats and green shirts and I wondered if they were inmates.  The gentlemen at the front desk had an eerie smirk on his face when I asked him for help.  He had no intention of helping me.  And he was enjoying his position in that he really didn’t have to.  Seemed like a big joke to him.  Rick had warned me that there were some callous guards who could care less about helping or accommodating anyone, so it wasn’t a shocker.  As frustrating as it is to encounter the inhospitable, I can’t imagine what these people deal with everyday.  So I decided that no matter what, I am going to offer kindness and grace to all who I come in contact with there.  Because maybe they don’t even know what that looks like.  Maybe they have never experienced the beautiful Grace of God who loves the unlovable and saves the wretched.  Just like me.  This is where we will be visiting for the next year and I believe the Lord has designated this place for a very specific reason and I want to honor Him and do everything I can to push back the darkness in that place.

Saturday morning jitters with hotel breakfast and syrup all over little hands and faces.  It had been so long.  I was excited and anxious and overwhelmed.  Much commotion with three joyful little hearts about to see their beloved dad.  We walked into the visitation building.  This guard was kind and gracious to us.  Plastic tables and chairs set up in an old rec looking room.  Reminded me of a room that I would go to when I was little where we would have family reunions.  Vending machines in the corner with all kinds of delicious meals.  My mom dropped us off and we checked in and sat down and waited.  Anticipation growing and nerves pulsing.  And then we saw him walk in.  His hair was short and he had shaved per my request, he wore his uniform well with grey thermals to keep him warm as not all of the buildings are heated.  He checked his coat and badge with the guard.  I could tell he was trying to hold it together.  He slowly walked over as the kids ran straight for his heart.  Brimming tears burst forth as we wrapped our arms around him.  It was so good and joyful to see him and yet so sad and hurtful at the same time.  Saxon just laid his head on his daddy’s shoulder and wept.  Lochlan stared bewildered with pink cheeks and wet eyes.   Arista was all smiles and hugs…and kisses…and more kisses…and then some more kisses.  She was very romantic with her daddy.

I hugged and kissed him just for a brief moment.  That’s all that is allowed.  We sat down at the table and the kids took turns sitting on Rick’s lap.  No one wanted to get off.  Arista couldn’t stop kissing him every time it was her turn.  I thought she just might eat her daddy up.  She was exceptionally well behaved, which is a miracle to all those who know my ferocious little princess whose alter ego is Gollum (from the Lord of the Rings).  The kids stayed for two hours the first day.  I filled Rick in on all the craziness of a house full of 6 kids and what our little ones have been up to.  The kids just wanted to be near him the whole time.  Rick asked them about school and Christmas and teased them and made them laugh.  It was as perfect as it could be.  All of us together, no distractions.  Captivating every moment we could have of him.  And then my mom came and picked them up and I stayed for a few more hours so we could have some alone time...at least at our table. 

He was sweet and gentle.  He hadn’t slept much the night before because he was so nervous to see us.  The emotional weight subsides somewhat when the source of grief is not right in front, but it surges quick with the first sight of life.     He told me many interesting stories of what he’s been through for the past 3.5 months.  The people he’s met and the places they’ve had him.  Dark foul locked up cells.  Shackles grinding skin raw.  Humans shuffled from cage to cage.  Rehabilitation?  Not the trajectory one would surmise in successfully helping these people change for the better.  It’s like we just discard them.  

He says it’s difficult to be in a place like this and not be hardened.  The men here aren’t as receptive as the ones he’s met in the other facilities.  A lot of them were big time business men that think they’re all that and a box of chocolates.  Trying to preserve their image and clout in their prison uniform and claim to chairs in the dining and movie rooms.   An attempt to maintain some control in their lives, I guess.  As humble pie is not to their liking.  They called him agent Payne when he first arrived.  For those of you who don’t know Rick very well, he asks a lot of questions.  Probing, straightforward, personal questions.  That is just the way he is.  He jumps in head first when initiating new friendships.  He’s very open and honest and has an expectation that others want to be too.  And as you can imagine, in a place full of people who have probably had many secrets, there is not a warm reception.  But Rick always perseveres.   Especially with the hard ones.   And then he’s generous to the men that are ugly to him.  

So as I’ve said before, prison is very segregated.  And this is hard for Rick because he likes to hang with diversity.  And they are all a bit leery of him.  So a large African-American man shimmied up to Rick and told him that if he bought him a sausage, then he would have protection from “his” people.  In which Rick responded that he’d buy him a sausage, but he didn’t need protection.  They guy scoffed at him and walked away.  The next day, Rick sent him a sausage.  He told him it was for good measure, not for protection.  The man looked up at him and told him begrudgingly that he had protection anyway.

Then there’s the guy on the bottom bunk of his 3 man bed.  He is an older Latino who was a big time drug dealer.   He probably fits the stereotypical image that you have of a drug lord.  He has a fondness for Rick.  When Rick came back from the first day of visitation, he went to bed.  Hard tears falling softly.  Under his blanket.  For the rest of the day.  When it was time for the guys to get in bed, the Drug Lord asked Rick in his saucy Latino accent, “Gringo……you cry?”.  I love this.  Humanity bursting forth from a hardened drug lord.  Caring about my man.  Thank you Lord!  For showing grace from the most unexpected places.  So we can see more of You!  How beautiful is the face of compassion in a wrecked dark soul.  The emerging of a new dawn, I pray.  For His Glory.  That He would continue to set these prisoners free.  

My mom came and picked me up later and we went to tour Big Spring.  We drove up the little mountain that overlooks the town and the prison.  We drove around the air force base and saw an old hanger that’s a museum.  It houses old airplanes we could see, but it was closed.  We drove around on the tarmac and by the control tower and down runways with grass growing thru cracked concrete.  I love places like this.  Thinking of the lives that once lived here and the service men that served here and the planes that soared above this flat dirt land training for battle.  We drove back around the base that has been made into the low security prison.  There are high fences wrapped thick with razor wire.  We could see the men outside playing soccer and walking around a track.  Some were standing outside on a balcony which may have once been an apartment that housed service men and their families.  We drove by a Vietnam memorial with 2 jets and helicopters and a tank.  Seems like such a contrast of what they’ve made this place into. 

It was hard to leave him on Sunday.  I didn’t want to go.  He is so brave and tenacious.  Learning to live in a hostile environment and desiring to better himself and choosing to make the best of it.  He doesn’t complain or focus on the more challenging aspects or unjust treatment.  He presses on.  Holding fast to who God's called him to be.  Humble tears of how touched he is by his longtime friends, new friends, and surprising sources who have reached out and blessed our family.  A friendship between us is resurrecting after a long cold winter’s night.  I’ve really, really missed this part of our relationship and I’m so thankful that the Lord not only is restoring it, but making it better.  What a precious mercy and gift.  “He makes all things new”.  He is faithful and kind even in the heartbreak.  

I love the song Forgiveness by Matthew West.  A theme song for this season of life…

Here are a few of the lyrics 

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you