When Patience has Run Out...

"His humility gave His death it's value, and so became our redemption." -Andrew Murray, Humility

"The one true way of dying to self is the way of patience, meekness, humility, and resignation to God." -Andrew Murray, Humility

"What then are we to do about our problems? We must learn to live with them until such time as God delivers us from them. We must pray for grace to endure them without murmuring. Problems patiently endured will work for our spiritual perfecting. They harm us only when we resist them or endure them unwillingly."-A.W. Tozer

 

Suffering.  A great teacher.  About life.  Depth.  And who we really are.  A relentless revealer of one’s true heart.  And the great humbler of all time. 

A thread connecting souls throughout time and space.  Whose tears mark the ground of a hallowed road.

And lately I have been combating it.  Wanting to evict it from my life.  And even when it won’t depart…trying to manage the pain it bestows.   

I came across a truth like a banner waving in a place of refuge.  For my heart to come seek and rest.  “Patience is a willingness to suffer” –Ann Voskamp.  

All the angst sucking life dry.  Shutting out blessing and killing joy in the here and now and thinking I know better and yet still not being able to do better because I am a fallen daughter of Eve.  Who believes that God is holding out on me.  And my lack of trust only creates a surging sense of panic and fear.  And I have traded truth for lies.  A pattern born in the very beginning, “they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever.” Romans 1:25

I always thought patience was somewhat like endurance.  It had to be exercised to increase.  Trials taught patience and enlarged our capacity for it.   

But let me tell you what I’ve learned.  My patience…at least my own flesh driven patience…has not been getting any stronger...or better.  In fact, it had just about run dry.  And out of that empty space unleashed a “control monster”.  With a response of anger and intolerance and wanting to give up…because all was not as I wanted it to be. 

I was unwilling.  To have it God’s way.  And my unwillingness was unraveling me.  And I knew it and hated it and hated myself for letting it happen.  But was too prideful to surrender …”not my will, but yours be done.”  I didn’t want to be crushed even if I needed it.  I didn’t want to be chiseled…even if it would free me.  I didn’t want to bear the heavy cost that Christ bore for the sake of Grace.  

And Grace.  How costly He is teaching me that it is.  Offered to me thru His suffering and pain, but I don’t want anything to do with that pain.  I just want the prize.  And what is that prize really?  Is it Him?  Or is it His stuff. ..

The way God choose for the redemption of His people was through the suffering of His beloved Son.  He gave Him as a sacrifice.  "For the wages of sin is death"(Romans 6:23).  And they have to be paid.  Wrongs have to be righted.  A truth resonating at the very core of each one of our hearts.  But God…rich in mercy…made another way.  For the debt to be fulfilled.  Through the horrific death of His perfect and blameless son.   For all who would believe.  

And so when Rick calls me saying he is having chest tightness and shortness of breath and night sweats and they’re still not giving him his medicine…and when the government takes our tax refund that our family greatly needed and applied it to Rick’s 2.5 million dollar restitution that he never even received one penny of…and when my daughter cries at night for her daddy and I am overwhelmed by the day to day challenges of being a single mom and living apart from my husband…and when my dearly loved grandmother gets a grave diagnosis of metastasized melanoma and is in for the fight of her life…my long standing idea of what patience is proves to be ludicrous.  

Patience is a choice.  I can CHOOSE!  This truth serum has been sweet ointment to a frustrated soul.   “Patience is a willingness to suffer”.   It’s a willingness.  To accept what God has before me.  To wait for the redemption of pain.  Which may take a lifetime.  To trust that God is Sovereign.  That He’s not holding out on me and is doing a good work in me and our family.  To let go of all my ideas and notions of how and when things should be.  As if I know better.  

Because this is not my story.  It is His.  And it’s His Name that deserves all the Glory.  And through all of the trials and heartache and pain…He continues to walk along side us…providing for us…loving us…gently picking us up as we stumble and fall and lie broken in pieces.  Pieces that He will pick up and put back together in a new and beautiful and better way that ONLY Christ can do.  

“Not to us, O LORD, not to us, But to Your name give glory Because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth.” –Psalm 115:1

And the sweet blessings…we all want the blessings.  But throwing up my fists and running and avoiding and turning to the creation to be comforted…rob my soul from the very life that God wants to abundantly give.

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  -Matthew 5:3-10

Patience…the very act of it has begun calming the storms of my heart.  This is what it means to bear my cross.  This is what it means to follow Christ.  This is where I say “He is God and I am not”.  This is where the blessing awaits…  

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” –Matthew 16:24   

Sharing a little note from Rick…love that he is keeping his sense of humor and blessing me with some much needed giggles…

"Happy Wednesday!  Camp Sucks, We haven't been able to go in the canoe's yet due to the weather.  We went on a fieldtrip yesterday to the zoo.  The animals looked no different than the guys I am bunked with.  Camp wouldn't be so bad if it didn't last so long.  What were they thinking?  Some of these guys come here every year.  Their parents must be divorced or something.  I sure do miss you, those 2 little boys, and that noisy little girl that lives with us too!  I hope all is well back at home.  We'll know next time not to come back to this camp again.  Hopefully you can make it to parents weekend.  I can't wait to see you.  You are definitely the prettiest of all!

I love you every day of the week, every month of the year, every year of a lifetime, and every moment of eternity!"