Derailed

"The wise stand in wind and pray not so much for the danger to pass but for the fear to flee."  -Ann VosKamp

"When you know the call is not to be comfortable but to be Christ-formed, then the answer is joy." -Ann VosKamp  

“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Derailed.  That’s been me for the past few weeks.  The slow burn of trekking through life’s pain wrecked my will.  It didn’t help that we’ve all been sick for the past few weeks.  Again.  A lull of health for the 2 days we went to see Rick and then once again a new virus was upon us.  This time the every friendly stomach bug.  Who made himself at home in just about every member of the household.  

During this time of sickness and recovery and taking care of little sick ones and trying to take care of myself…I just got too tired.  I feel like my heart just started turning to anger and hopelessness.  No quiet times alone where I could bury my soul in the Living Word of God and soak in His manna.  To sit in the healing aromas’ of truth that brings clarity in chaos and hope to the weary soul.  

Lying in bed and resting and recovering, my eyes were fixed on the horrors of the news and the darkness…the kind of terrifying darkness you don’t  imagine in your wildest dreams…descending on the city of Boston.  The images of the maimed and the blood spilt on the street.  The heartbreaking stories of death and devastation.  And then in West Texas.  Accidental explosions with the same results.  Death and destruction.  All around.  More faces.  More tears.  My heart twisted in grief.

The blackness of night grew darker as I sat there watching.  For answers.  Waiting for them.  As if the TV or any human being could give an answer that would satisfy such horrors.  Sulking in the sadness of it all…I slowly feel a deadening of hope.  An invitation to despair.  And I unknowingly start to see all the darkness as the reality…the truth.  And fear rages.

When my focus turns from Light and stares recklessly into the shadows of darkness.   Something happens.  And it happens quickly.  Anger brews fire and patience wanes and my thirst becomes for earthly remedies like comfort and control and lies start attaching themselves to my heart and multiplying like cancer.  “This hard heavy sad life will never end.  It will be like this forever and its gonna hurt forever and it’s just too much and I can’t handle any more.”  And then my purpose becomes a quest for relief.  

I’ve been looking and mulling and sitting and drowning in my headlight gaze on circumstances.  Looking at all the challenges and discomforts and annoyances and hurts and chaos and injustice and unfairness and darkness and death and how it has all gone wrong.  In a fog of despair.  My eyes and heart feel limp.  Lethargic and lazy.  A broken record player plays the tune in my head “I just want it to go away”.  Over. And over. And over again.   

I’ve wandered.  Into the black shadowlands.  Away from light.  The Light.  Away from manna.  The Manna.  A quest for relief keeps me coming back to my own vices that only bring temporarily relief and then flee.  Leaving a gaping hollow hole.  Wanting more.  Of something that will never satisfy this thirsty soul.  It’s like the ocean.  A wet desert.  The water is toxic and cannot quench.

Every choice is an eternal choice.  Carrying much weight.  Planting seeds in a soul that will either thrive or wither.    And when I chose different means of self medicating, the searing wound seems to fester deeper than before.  I NEED THE WORD.  HIS WORD.  LIFE…MANNA…HOPE.   And I knew it.  And for some reason when I get down so far and numb from the consuming gloom, it is even harder to pick up the one thing that my soul needs to survive.  Despair makes me lazy and weak and indifferent.  The ultimate spirit slayer.  Thank God for His Holy Spirit and that He lives in me and fights for me and loves me when I can’t do these things myself!!

I have always loved the movie The Never Ending Story.  So much truth communicated thru allegory and symbols.  At the end of the movie after the world Fantasia had been destroyed by “the nothing”, the empress child is with the little boy who had been reading her story.  In black darkness.  He asks, “Why is it dark?” to which she replies, “in the beginning, it is always dark.”  She opens her hand which holds a tiny grain of sand left of her world.  It is glowing.  Illuminating the sweet hopeful faces of the children.  And the light undoes the darkness.  Because it is what is real.  The darkness melts away in the presence of light.  And sometimes…in the beginning of grief…it is dark.  But that is not the end of the story…

"I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

Coming out of sickness and a black fog all around, I finally had a moment to curl up with my Bible.  The Living Word of God.  It’s living it’s light it’s real.  And it’s Truth.  It warms the heart and comforts the grieving soul and breathes hope into a weary wanderer.  Lighting the way out of the pit of despair…because it really is a pit.  A bottomless one.  And if you ever find yourself on the way down…fight.  With everything you have.  To get out.  Or it will consume you and your life and it’s will is destruction.  

When I sat down with the Lord to finally spill all my fears and sadness and anger and disbelief over the horror of the world and pain of it all…he blazingly reminded me how much He loved me.  His deep unfailing love and what He did for me on the cross and what he continues to do, His rich mercy and saving grace.  Truths that enveloped my heart, breaking down fear and anger damns put up to protect from pain but were starving a soul.  Tears of joy and undeserving gratefulness began pouring down my cheeks and purging the clench that had taken hold.  And His Grace began filling up those parched places.  He is a God of Love.  And He is good.  All other darkness melts away.  

I shared this experience with my kids.  It was just the spilling over kinda love you can’t help but share.  Because it’s His love that He wants to fill us all up with.  Overflowing and abounding.  They asked me how I know when the Lord’s speaking to me.  

So I asked them, you know when daddy writes you a letter…you don’t hear his voice…but you know it’s him talking to you.  You know because you KNOW him.  You don’t have to hear his voice.  You know your daddy’s heart.  

The more you know the Lord…the more you read His word and spend time with Him in prayer and talk to him…the more you’ll recognize His still small voice that calls to you.  Woos you.  Lights the way through this world because He is Light.  Keep your eyes and your heart fixed on Him less you wander.  It is a dangerous world out there…and even so, more dangerous, on the battlefield of your own heart.

Rick is...still in jail (that's his update when I ask him how he is).  He says it feels like Chinese water torture.  Slow and mundane.  Waiting.  For it all to be over.  They changed his meds which caused him to have shortness of breath to which he has to go back on his other meds.  We sent a letter to the Congressman who is forwarding to the BOP from his cardiologist.  Insisting that he takes the particular meds they have prescribed for him.  We’ll see.  We won’t get to see him again until the last weekend in May.  Seems so far away.  Kid’s miss him so much.  Arista talks about him the most and sometimes pretends that he’s here.  Heartbreaking.  

Love this from Paul Tripp’s The Futility of Control and Your Reason to Rest 

“He knows that at times you’ll be overwhelmed by what’s on your plate. He knows that his plan will confuse and confound you. And he knows that real rest can’t be found in understanding. Real rest is found in trust. So he’s willing to have the conversation with you again and again, and he’s made sure that his Word assures you of his rule again and again. For just a few examples, see: 

• 1 Chronicles 29:11-12
• Psalm 103:19
• Psalm 115:3
• Proverbs 21:1
• Isaiah 46:9-10
• Daniel 4:35
• Ephesians 1:11

Is your ministry a place of rest? Are you propelled by the security of your Father's sovereign care? In condescending love, he kneels before you once again today, face to face, and invites you to find rest where it only can be found---in trusting him. You can rest in the knowledge that your Father is wise, powerful, gracious, holy and faithful and his rule is bigger than all the responsibilities, opportunities, and obstacles that you could ever face.”