The Ugly Messy Muck

"That which seems evil, is it a cloud to bring rain, to bring a greater good to the whole of the world?  Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over life?" -Ann VosKamp, One Thousand Gifts 

"That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond.  To Him.  To the God whom we endlessly crave." -Ann VosKamp, One Thousand Gifts

Today I write with a weary  soul.  I don’t even really know where to start.  Or finish.  The last couple of weeks have been mixed with beauty and sweet blessings of family and a wedding and ocean waves and dolphins swimming.  And then the ugly messy muck.  

I went to see Rick on the 23^rd.  His mother who is a nurse had written a letter to our congressman in hopes to expedite the allocation of his medications.  Thankfully, they put an inquiry into the prison.  When the prison received the inquiry, Rick got called to the office.  It was implied that the fact that his family was pursuing action for his health and well being would result in negative consequences.  He was told not to talk about it with anyone.  Not sure if it was a “threat” or a “warning” because the gentlemen who relayed this information is his counselor and suppose to be an advocate for him, but nonetheless, it was disturbing.  He also told me that when a man from the Health Service Department of the prison chased him down to have him sign the release of medical information form, he pulled him aside privately and told him that despite our pleas and efforts, Rick would NOT be receiving any more medication.  Also disturbing. 

When I first walked in and saw him, I could sense a fortification in place.  Steel armor protecting his heart necessary for survival.  This made me sad.  That he has to walk daily with this weight.  It took a little while for him to take it off for our short visit.  But slowly it began to melt away, and there was my sweet husband.  Heart open and raw.  The fruit of God’s labor induced by suffering tenderly budding.  New life.  Behind that green prison frock and protective barrier.    

Reminded me of the book The Secret Garden.  Where Mary, who was a hardened little girl and had suffered much loss, finds a locked door to an abandoned garden that had withered away.  Once a place of life and joy and then a tragedy struck and it was locked and hidden.  But as this little girl’s wonder and connection to this place of death and tragedy grows, she begins to love and care for the sacred ground.  And then new life begins to grow and her heart begins to melt and at the end of the story restoration to the garden, her heart, and broken relationships are abounding and abundant and beautiful.

I see it happening in my man.  By the work of the Lord.  His gentle and loving hands.  Behind that wall protecting his heart, there is Grace at work.  Hard graces and painful mercies…growing life right up.  The storms rain heavy and fierce, but the Rock anchors faith, and soon the clouds will part and the sun will shine bright and the birds will sing Glory.  “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you”( Joel 2:25).

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story of Joseph.  With the colored coat.  His brothers were jealous of him and plotted to kill him.  Instead, they sold him into slavery and he was taken to the far off country of Egypt.  It is here where he became a slave and then a prisoner for many years.  But then by God’s sweet mercy and grace, he brought Joseph out of prison and made him second in command to Pharaoh.   When a great drought happened in the land, and Egypt had stored up for this event because God had shown Joseph it would happen, his brothers came down from their land to seek food.  When they came before their brother and realized it was him, they were ridden with fear and guilt.  But Joseph, who had suffered much and yet been faithful in his trust and walk with the Lord said to them, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive” (Genesis 50:20).  God used this act of evil to save a whole nation.

Rick had a man physically threaten him last week and he had to show incredible restraint.  This man had been given false information about something Rick did and went after him.  When the man grabbed Rick’s face and unleashed his fury, another inmate stepped in and removed this guy’s hands.  It caused a huge rift in the camp for a few days between races because the guy who went after him was African-American and the guys defending Rick were African-American and apparently there is some kind of race loyalty system in prison which Rick never adheres to because he has friends in every circle and sort of shakes up the system in doing this and then when some kind of confrontation goes down…loyalty is to a person…not a faction.  

I’m so proud of him.  His courage…his strength…his cross bearing walk.  For Christ says “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Matthew 16:24).  

Carrying that cross is crushing at times.  And some days when I feel that I can’t carry even one more ounce of life…He piles it on thick.  

Respite comes with knees bent and head bowed.  So when I am spent and all reserves are emptied out…He can fill with what really blesses and sustains.  Removing growing cancers in hidden heart places.  To bring in healing and restoration.  To bring joy.

Jesus knows our plight.  He knows.  “The LORD was pleased To crush Him, putting Him to grief; If He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, And the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in His hand” (Isaiah 53:10).  And Jesus said, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).  He has OVERCOME.  The heartbreak the burdens the sorrows the tears. 

So as I navigate thru the ugly waters of hard circumstances…and when He calls me to graces that I want to run from because bloody wounds scream justice…I will remember.   The Grace afforded to me.  His nail pierced hands and flesh ripping scourges and life beaten to a bloody pulp and then put on display as breath labored and death crept in oh so slowly.  A sacrifice…a gift…a ransom paid for me.  “God in eternity looked upon me, foreseeing my faultiness, my pride, my sin and said, ‘I want that man in my family. I will pay for him to be in my family with my Son’s life.’ That’s love, folks. That is mega, off-the-charts love …” –John Piper