I walk in and see his scruff face all smiles. I sit down on the rusted stool and pick up the old black static phone and speak. Holding back tears today. So good to see him smile, face soft, heart open. He talks about sad dark lost souls ripped open by a broken, hostile world. Where pain and loss have been the drums that beat in their stories. And all they can see is what isn’t. He talks about perspective. Mirror images of one’s own darkness looking back black, and it opens up blind eyes to see. A revelation, a realization, a gift. He says he’s getting used to the “dog food” they feed him and the 4am breakfasts and naps in the morning and locker room camaraderie and has already learned how to make $1 turn into $4 by buying coffee and trading for other prison gems. He is hopeful today, peaceful, even ministering to my anxious heart that God is FOR us and will take care of us. I melt inside watching the loving presence of the Holy Spirit sustaining him, stirring his heart, spurring him on. It is beautiful. In these white walled florescent light gritty hard places, I see beauty. My heart sings and praises God’s goodness. Faithful He is walking graciously with us here and now and showing us His mighty power in this Lion’s den. God protected Daniel (Daniel 6) and He is protecting my man and joy is spilling over in this downcast heart.
I thought it would get easier. I thought after a couple of weeks of him gone, it would be easier. I would have it all together, starting a job, making all the decisions for our family, running the show. As captain of this ship I would set sail for calmer waters. And I thought I could do it better, to be quite honest. Oh what a rude awakening this has been. What a burden it is to be in charge of 3 precious little souls and to take of care them and make decisions for our family that I am hoping are the best and right ones and to do it all by myself. It was much easier when I had someone else at the helm. I could sleep better at night, I didn’t have to feel the weight and responsibility of it all. And I didn’t have to be the one to blame when the bottom fell out. I do now. And I see what I horrible first mate I have been. Questioning decision after decision that my husband was making as he has tried to lead and guide our family in the best way he knew how. Loving us and serving us even in these difficult last few years, continuing to work hard and then come home EXCITED to see and spend time with us. Rick doesn’t come home and turn on the TV and zone out. He comes home to a wife with the TV turned on zoning out. Because I’m too tired and too stressed out and have too much to do and just want to spend some alone time with my TV. And here’s the weird thing, I didn’t know why he didn’t feel the same way. Why did he want to spend time with me? Things were so tense and stressful and life sucking. How did he even have anything left to give?
Because that is a place that he finds great joy….and I did not. I was looking for joy in better circumstances rather than in the GIVER of the circumstances. The LORD. These words tore me up last week:
What do I want my children to remember — my joy in clean floors, made beds and ironed shirts — or my joy of the Lord?
Because that is a place that he finds great joy….and I did not. I was looking for joy in better circumstances rather than in the GIVER of the circumstances. The LORD. These words tore me up last week:
What do I want my children to remember — my joy in clean floors, made beds and ironed shirts — or my joy of the Lord?
You will be most remembered — by what brought you most joy.
The joy of the Lord is your strength and the person of Christ is your unassailable joy – and the battle for joy is nothing less than fighting the good fight of faith. -Ann Voskamp
Bottom line…I need Jesus. So desperately and completely and wholly. He heals, He redeems, He restores. He makes all things new. I want my husband to come home to a new wife. A better one. One that finds joy in the Giver of life. The people I know who seek their joy in the Lord have the brightest souls that spill beauty into everyone they touch and I am jealous for that. I will fight for it with His strength and the army of support He has so graciously surrounded our family with. Because “there’s no lone victors and every conqueror always has a team.” -Ann Voskamp
We still have no idea when Rick will be moved. Praying that it will happen soon. Kid’s are doing amazingly well. The weekends are always harder. Weekdays we are busy in routine and sports, schoolwork and story time, cousins playing hard and fighting hard, bedtime comes quick and we all lay down to quiet rest. But weekends are filled with games and family time and quiet space. Saxon’s sadness turned to anger after his soccer game on Sunday. When I probed his little heart, he resisted. He didn’t want to tell me that anything was wrong and he didn’t want to admit he was hurting. I tried to talk to him in which he shut me down. I quietly prayed, “Please, Lord, help me talk to this little boy whose heart is so tender and vulnerable, who is experiencing anger on the surface but I know something else is going on. Help me draw it out.” A soft sweet prompting as if a whisper, give him Grace. So that’s what I did. I shared with him my own battles with the beast and that sometimes anger feels easier than tending to raw gaping heart wounds. He listened quietly, tension softening on his face, and then tears.
I’m so thankful that he can cry and talk and will listen to his mama’s words. Prayerful words giving life to this little soul. Oh how we need Jesus. I could not walk thru one day of this without Him. I’d be a big pile of mess all crumbled tight with no hope. He gives me hope. He gives me strength. He gives me GRACE. Over and over and over again. Undeserved grace. Here is my joycup! In Him. And I will drink deep.
The joy of the Lord is your strength and the person of Christ is your unassailable joy – and the battle for joy is nothing less than fighting the good fight of faith. -Ann Voskamp
Bottom line…I need Jesus. So desperately and completely and wholly. He heals, He redeems, He restores. He makes all things new. I want my husband to come home to a new wife. A better one. One that finds joy in the Giver of life. The people I know who seek their joy in the Lord have the brightest souls that spill beauty into everyone they touch and I am jealous for that. I will fight for it with His strength and the army of support He has so graciously surrounded our family with. Because “there’s no lone victors and every conqueror always has a team.” -Ann Voskamp
We still have no idea when Rick will be moved. Praying that it will happen soon. Kid’s are doing amazingly well. The weekends are always harder. Weekdays we are busy in routine and sports, schoolwork and story time, cousins playing hard and fighting hard, bedtime comes quick and we all lay down to quiet rest. But weekends are filled with games and family time and quiet space. Saxon’s sadness turned to anger after his soccer game on Sunday. When I probed his little heart, he resisted. He didn’t want to tell me that anything was wrong and he didn’t want to admit he was hurting. I tried to talk to him in which he shut me down. I quietly prayed, “Please, Lord, help me talk to this little boy whose heart is so tender and vulnerable, who is experiencing anger on the surface but I know something else is going on. Help me draw it out.” A soft sweet prompting as if a whisper, give him Grace. So that’s what I did. I shared with him my own battles with the beast and that sometimes anger feels easier than tending to raw gaping heart wounds. He listened quietly, tension softening on his face, and then tears.
I’m so thankful that he can cry and talk and will listen to his mama’s words. Prayerful words giving life to this little soul. Oh how we need Jesus. I could not walk thru one day of this without Him. I’d be a big pile of mess all crumbled tight with no hope. He gives me hope. He gives me strength. He gives me GRACE. Over and over and over again. Undeserved grace. Here is my joycup! In Him. And I will drink deep.
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