What we really need...

I walk in and see his scruff face all smiles. I sit down on the rusted stool and pick up the old black static phone and speak. Holding back tears today. So good to see him smile, face soft, heart open. He talks about sad dark lost souls ripped open by a broken, hostile world. Where pain and loss have been the drums that beat in their stories. And all they can see is what isn’t. He talks about perspective. Mirror images of one’s own darkness looking back black, and it opens up blind eyes to see. A revelation, a realization, a gift. He says he’s getting used to the “dog food” they feed him and the 4am breakfasts and naps in the morning and locker room camaraderie and has already learned how to make $1 turn into $4 by buying coffee and trading for other prison gems. He is hopeful today, peaceful, even ministering to my anxious heart that God is FOR us and will take care of us. I melt inside watching the loving presence of the Holy Spirit sustaining him, stirring his heart, spurring him on. It is beautiful. In these white walled florescent light gritty hard places, I see beauty. My heart sings and praises God’s goodness. Faithful He is walking graciously with us here and now and showing us His mighty power in this Lion’s den. God protected Daniel (Daniel 6) and He is protecting my man and joy is spilling over in this downcast heart.
 

I thought it would get easier. I thought after a couple of weeks of him gone, it would be easier. I would have it all together, starting a job, making all the decisions for our family, running the show. As captain of this ship I would set sail for calmer waters. And I thought I could do it better, to be quite honest. Oh what a rude awakening this has been. What a burden it is to be in charge of 3 precious little souls and to take of care them and make decisions for our family that I am hoping are the best and right ones and to do it all by myself. It was much easier when I had someone else at the helm. I could sleep better at night, I didn’t have to feel the weight and responsibility of it all. And I didn’t have to be the one to blame when the bottom fell out. I do now. And I see what I horrible first mate I have been. Questioning decision after decision that my husband was making as he has tried to lead and guide our family in the best way he knew how. Loving us and serving us even in these difficult last few years, continuing to work hard and then come home EXCITED to see and spend time with us. Rick doesn’t come home and turn on the TV and zone out. He comes home to a wife with the TV turned on zoning out. Because I’m too tired and too stressed out and have too much to do and just want to spend some alone time with my TV. And here’s the weird thing, I didn’t know why he didn’t feel the same way. Why did he want to spend time with me? Things were so tense and stressful and life sucking. How did he even have anything left to give?

Because that is a place that he finds great joy….and I did not. I was looking for joy in better circumstances rather than in the GIVER of the circumstances. The LORD. These words tore me up last week:

What do I want my children to remember — my joy in clean floors, made beds and ironed shirts — or my joy of the Lord?
 

You will be most remembered — by what brought you most joy.

The joy of the Lord is your strength and the person of Christ is your unassailable joy – and the battle for joy is nothing less than fighting the good fight of faith. -Ann Voskamp

Bottom line…I need Jesus. So desperately and completely and wholly. He heals, He redeems, He restores. He makes all things new. I want my husband to come home to a new wife. A better one. One that finds joy in the Giver of life. The people I know who seek their joy in the Lord have the brightest souls that spill beauty into everyone they touch and I am jealous for that. I will fight for it with His strength and the army of support He has so graciously surrounded our family with. Because “there’s no lone victors and every conqueror always has a team.” -Ann Voskamp

We still have no idea when Rick will be moved. Praying that it will happen soon. Kid’s are doing amazingly well. The weekends are always harder. Weekdays we are busy in routine and sports, schoolwork and story time, cousins playing hard and fighting hard, bedtime comes quick and we all lay down to quiet rest. But weekends are filled with games and family time and quiet space. Saxon’s sadness turned to anger after his soccer game on Sunday. When I probed his little heart, he resisted. He didn’t want to tell me that anything was wrong and he didn’t want to admit he was hurting. I tried to talk to him in which he shut me down. I quietly prayed, “Please, Lord, help me talk to this little boy whose heart is so tender and vulnerable, who is experiencing anger on the surface but I know something else is going on. Help me draw it out.” A soft sweet prompting as if a whisper, give him Grace. So that’s what I did. I shared with him my own battles with the beast and that sometimes anger feels easier than tending to raw gaping heart wounds. He listened quietly, tension softening on his face, and then tears.

I’m so thankful that he can cry and talk and will listen to his mama’s words. Prayerful words giving life to this little soul. Oh how we need Jesus. I could not walk thru one day of this without Him. I’d be a big pile of mess all crumbled tight with no hope. He gives me hope. He gives me strength. He gives me GRACE. Over and over and over again. Undeserved grace. Here is my joycup! In Him. And I will drink deep.

Waiting, Stretching, Trusting

“If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad. ”  ~C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock

Lying in bed at night, all kids close, I think about him.  I think about the part of our family that is missing.  I think about his green eyes and bright smile and warm touch and the way he makes me laugh and the crazy magic tricks he does for the kids and sword fighting and tea parties and bets with his mom on sports games.  I wish I could make all of this go away.  I wish I could fix it.  I wish I could fast forward this part of our story and get to the part where we feel relief.  That it’s all over.  That it’s been paid.  

But I can’t.  I have to walk in the pain of all of it.  It is heavy and it hurts.  Some days I feel like I just can’t stretch anymore.  That I’m at my breaking point, and then the Lord tenderly and lovingly lets me lay it all down at his feet as I bury my head in a pillow and deep waters open and I release.  

The judge finally signed the document that we have been waiting for to get Rick moved and it has been put into the “system”.  We were thankful for this in hopes that he would be out in about a week after it was signed, but found out that because of his heart condition, it will have to go to Washington DC where all the inmates awaiting designation for Federal Prison in the entire United States of America goes.  ONE PLACE.  So, as many of you who have experience with any kind of government agency and their time frame, this could take weeks.   More waiting, more stretching, more trusting.

These last few years have been full of those things.  Waiting for the cards to fall.  Waiting on an investigation.   Waiting on the investigation to wrap up.  Waiting for sentencing (2 years).  Waiting on God to show Rick what he’s suppose to be doing in the meantime as he took a step back from the real estate business and started other companies.  Waiting for those companies to start turning profits.  

And in the midst of all that waiting, the Lord shut door after door after door after door in an area that Rick is so gifted at.  He is a visionary and a hard worker.  He is extremely creative and an incredible networker and resourceful and innovative and driven and committed and has an amazing ability to make things happen.  And in the last 3 years, God has pulled the rug out from under his business endeavors over and over again.  It was dumbfounding.  And yet my husband persevered.

I have to say that this was one of the hardest things for me and my faith.  How could a good God do this to us?  When our focus was to make all things right and correct any mistakes that had been made and restore any losses and mend any wrongs.  Why would He be putting up all these roadblocks when we wanted to do what we thought was HIS will?  I felt abandoned, forgotten, shut out.  And then the Lord did something so sweet and loving to this hopeless soul.  Below is a conversation from an old friend that was up with her baby one night in March 2011 and God called her to email me and she did.  It was a monumental turning point for me where the Lord tangibly showed me how close and intimate He really is…

Alyssa:   Hey. Im up with Henry now and thinking and praying, can't sleep. God laid you on my heart suddenly. Wondering how things are for you guys and where things stand with what you shared last. Praying for you right now. Weird at 4am but acting on faith to do so... Hope this finds you well. Praying and thinking about ya

Me:  What a BLESSING it was to me to get this message!!! It has been a dark and heavy last couple of weeks or months for me. I have felt "forgotten" by the Lord with a big "NO" in front of every prayer I have asked for and then to hear from you with a message from the Lord just blows me away!!! He has not "forgotten me". We are still in the waiting period. We were thinking Rick would be sentenced in May, but it looks like it may be postponed again for 3-12 months. Right now his lawyer says he may get 18 months in prison and have to pay 1.8 mil in restitution. They are holding Rick responsible for things he had absolutely nothing to do with which is so unfair, and I don't quite understand how they can do that, but I guess the fact that Rick did business with a guy he knew was a scammer makes him partially liable. Rick was trying to make right the bad business he had done with him before, but it obviously blew up in his face.

He lost his job in February due to this, which was out of nowhere since his boss who is a owner of the company knew everything that had been going on, but supposedly the other owner didn't. Rick felt like he wasn't getting the whole story and was hurt and confused. He was really close to his boss and had worked really hard to help them transform their business. It was weird.

My husband is an entrepreneur and puts deals together all the time and in the last year and a half he has had one after another fall apart. So I have been feeling lately like whatever he does God is just not going to let him succeed for whatever reason and we will be out of money in a few weeks. He is working 3 jobs now all straight commission so I'm praying the Lord will provide and give us some direction. I guess I've just been feeling a little depressed and hopeless lately.

Alyssa:  oh rachel,

i am in tears...just tears. i had to stop reading halfway bc i was crying....i had NO idea why the Lord told me to email you at 4am like that...i was surely thinking you would think me a lunatic. i mean who does that? i am SO glad i listened and did it anyway so that He could speak to you in whispers like that. He is so faithful and kind to use a silly old friend whom you barely ever talk to through a dumb social network like facebook to whisper i love you...'i love you child, you are not alone, i have not forgotten...i will use the most divine strange way to speak this to your heart so you will know it could ONLY come from me.....i love you, you are mine. you are not alone. i am here and i am faithful. i am for you, hold on dear child of mine, hold on..."

i am so very sorry for how things have transpired and where things are now with rick's business and legal problems. i find no justice in it at all and want to scream that's not fair...and i am just on the out looking in....i imagine it must really feel like you have been forsaken and forgotten being on the inside of it all, BUT you have not. i will never understand the seasons He has us walk through but only have begun to understand that when we suffer, truly suffer with the deepest of soul groaning cries and moans of ache and searing pain and confusion, it is there where we meet the beginning of seeing a glimpse of what Christ's suffering was..we share in His suffering in that way somehow and we are never the same, ever.....i am praying for you to feel sustained and nourished with His spirit even when the dark is all around....i am praying that will be renewed with His mercy and peace in the coming weeks as you withstand more and more that's to come....i am so glad to have reconnected with you after all these years, so that i can carry these burdens with you, so that you aren't alone....persevering for His kingdom is never easy. but i am honored to fight for it with you. and will do so with prayer for you and your family.....

praying for you, so heavily on my heart... on my knees,

Me:  Thank you so much Alyssa for your tender heart and your loving encouragement and especially your prayers. I am so thankful to God for you. SO thankful!! An unexpected blessing that I needed in a winter storm.

In His Grace,
Rachel

And this is where the Lord began to show me that He is.  Where His blessings are.  Where the garden of knowledge and wisdom and faith grow in His Grace.  In the darkest, hopeless, faithless nights of the soul.   Where all I have left to turn to is Him.    Just like the prodigal son.  The father stood in the field and saw his lost rebellious boy in the distance, coming home.  And the father didn’t even wait for him to get there, he felt compassion for him and ran and embraced him and kissed him, and then threw a lavish celebration that he had come HOME!  (Luke 15:11-32)  And in those moments when I know how faithful God is when I have been angry and afraid and self-righteous and questioned His goodness and sovereignty and who He is; He woos me to Him in the sweetest most tender and gracious of ways, and the gift of grace pulses healing waters through my weak veins.  Right to the broken heart where healing takes place.  HOW GOOD is my God.   

My husband.   He can’t go outside.  He eats what he says is equivalent to dog food.  He sleeps on a thin piece of plastic over metal wires.  He has 40 roomies who have sad stories beyond anything we have ever experienced.  In there trying to help people.  Having me call other inmate’s family members to communicate with them because they don’t have money to call themselves, and trying to connect some of the other inmates with his personal attorney who has done nothing but love and support and fight for Rick.  A GOOD man of the law, and a GOOD man of the heart.  Fighting to keep his spirit up and walking through this with a grace and humility that makes my heart proud.  

So as we continue to wait, and continue to stretch, I will continue to trust that God is in the here and now opening us up to receive more of Him.  Beauty and Grace overflowing.  Comfort and Peace beyond understanding.  And Joy.  Deep rich penetrating Joy.  Even in the darkest of nights.

Please continue to pray.  For Rick's peace and comfort and joy in these miserable circumstances.  That the Lord would quickly get his case thru the govt system so he can be moved.  That God would give me what I need emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually to carry the weight of this and to be a good mother to my children, wife to Rick, and servant to Christ.  And that He would continue to provide.  

And to all those who have blessed us with the gifts that you have so graciously given, THANK YOU!!!  I am beyond humbled and grateful for these sweet, sweet blessings.  And we praise God and thank Him for you and for carrying this burden with us.  We could not do it alone. 

Sweet daddy...

Saturday was the first day I took all the kids to see their dad.  Their responses were heartbreaking to watch.  I was a little surprised because I thought I had prepared them.  I told them that we wouldn’t be able to touch daddy.  That he would be behind glass with a telephone.  We would have to wait in line and then go behind bars and walk down the hallway to where he would be sitting, waiting on the phone to talk with us.  

I had taken Lochlan, my youngest son a couple of days before.  He is my most sensitive child and I didn’t want to overwhelm Rick with bringing all of them at once for the first time.  He was of course anxious and squirmy as we waited in line.  When we were finally checked in and they had room for us to go back, we waited for the heavy metal doors to open in which we walked into the small standing place and they shut us in.  It was enclosed by bars.  I didn’t really know what kind of impact this would have on my boy.  I kept asking him if he was okay.  I kept asking him if he was excited or scared or nervous.  He said all of the above.  When we walked down the hallway and turned the corner into the room with Rick, I could just sense his little body tensing up.  I sat down on the stool and grabbed the phone and gave it to him.  He couldn’t really talk.  He didn’t know what to say or how to say what he was really feeling.  He gulped big gulps and looked all around and just squirmed.  He started to cry a little which made his daddy tear up.  Rick motioned for me to grab the phone.  We started talking about other things so as to keep everyone’s composure.  Wil, one of Rick’s best friends and business partners, was with me and took the phone for a moment.  Lochlan was still standing at the glass looking very uncomfortable.  I decided to pick him up and hug him in which all the tears started rolling as reality sank in.  

These are the places where you feel so helpless and out of control.  Where the only thing I have to offer this tender heart, and the BEST thing I can offer him, is the hope of Christ.  That suffering has a purpose and God will not give us more than we can handle.  That God loves his daddy more than any person in this world and is FOR his dad.  That He is allowing this because he has something beautiful and better for his dad and our family than we could ever get from living a life without trials.   

Sweet daddy.  His love language is touch.  He thrives on giving love through hugs and kisses and wrestling and swinging and tackling and back rubs and whatever other way he can.  This has been the hardest part for him.  Not being able to give that love in the way God has gifted him in.  In the way that brings joy to his deepest parts.  

Lochlan calmed down by the end of the visit and was able to tell his dad goodbye.  When we got home he went to take a shower and get ready for bed.  The other kids were not home from soccer games yet, so I took a moment and sat down to comfort him.  I asked him what he was thinking about.  He got a sweet little smile on his face and said “it’s kinda silly.”  To which I replied, “that’s okay, would you like to share with me what’s in your heart?”  He said so sweetly, “I have the awesomest, coolest, best daddy in the whole world.”  I LOVE how the Lord moves in the hearts of kids.  He wanted to lift up his daddy’s name and was proud to claim him in the ugliest of conditions.  It was HIS daddy and he wouldn’t have it any other way!

Then came Saturday when I took them all.  My dad came with me which I was so thankful for.  My 3 year old crazy daughter was her normal crazy self.  There is a sign on the wall with all the rules and the one in red says that your visit will be terminated if a child gets out of control.  She was the one I was worried about.   There is no controlling that little ball of fire when she gets “passionate” about something.  Like the water fountain.  She wanted a drink out of the water fountain to which I refused but assured her we would get water when we left.  The tantrum meter started rising red and I had to creatively calm her down.  Then when it was time to go back and Saxon told her she was going to jail, she started crying and saying “I don’t want to go to jail, I scared”.  Over and over and over and over again.  Lovely.  When we got passed the bars and walked down the hall, I asked Saxon how he was feeling.  Nervous he said.  I asked him if he wanted to talk to daddy first in which he was hesitant.  

Saxon is a pretty mature little 8 year old and can adapt to change well and is not afraid of expressing his feelings.  So I was surprised at his reaction to seeing his dad.  He got on the phone first, and same as Lochlan, just couldn’t really speak.  Red faces and wet cheeks on both sides of the glass.  Momma still holds it together comforting and loving my sweet boy and looking at my man with reassuring eyes that we are going to make it thru this.  Arista wanted to hold the phone over and over to which the only words she would say was, "Hiiiii, how are you?  I love you.  I miss you".  As soon as we got in the car the first thing Saxon says is, "I feel better now that I got to see him."   It is just so crazy that no matter how much you prepare for something, you can never really be prepared.  The reality of the situation and seeing it and living in it is much different than what we think it will be.   

“I think of the end of His earthly life.  Jesus Himself bends the knee in a garden and weeps His own song:  ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done’ (Luke 22:42).  He opens wide His mouth and accepts; He will drink this cup of suffering too.  Why?  For the greater joy.  Joy now, joy forever.  Conceived in grateful humility, Jesus faces death in grateful humility.  And I hear it soft too, what all His life speaks;  Joy is in the acquiescing.”  -Ann VosKamp, One Thousand Gifts

That is the one thing that keeps me going.  I know that this is the plan the Lord has for me.  I am not a victim.  I can choose how I will respond to the circumstances that God has allowed in our life, and I will choose to fight for joy and accept God’s grace and pour out love and truth and help others and love my husband well and love my kids well and seek all the beauty and goodness that God gives each day, even when those days are heavy and dark, because that is the only way to really live life.  Because life is going to hurt and break you and rip your heart out and turn you upside down, but it doesn’t have to poison your spirit.  That is a pill I won’t swallow.  Anger and bitterness will not sow their seeds in my heart and when they try to take up residents there, I will aggressively work to remove them.  Because I want joy, even in these sorrows, God is giving joy.  It is a raw and real and beautiful gift that I am so blessed to experience.  And He offers it freely and lovingly.  And so I will drink my cup and acquiesce and let His Grace fill my heart full.