Wide Open Spaces

From the movie The Princess Bride

Buttercup: You mock my pain.
Man in Black: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. 

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.  Philippians 3:8

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  -2Corinthians 12:19

Ahhhhhhh….my daughter is off to preschool and for the first time in months I have a few hours of uninterrupted time to sit and think.  A bit of silence devoid of pause is a tall glass of water for this thirsty heart.    

I have missed my quiet time at my keyboard spilling out life onto wide open spaces.  I have yearned for it even.  There is something about expelling hurt that changes the shape of pain.  From deep quaking despair…to carved out wonder taking the form of something beautiful and meaningful.  And sharing it has made all the difference.  

I have really struggled at times with sanity this summer.  Living in a house with another family of 5 and having 6 kids running and screaming and making messes and doing what joyful young kids do.  Just trying to survive the whirlwind of parenting alone and the constant needs and demands and chaos while running the day to day household duties and dealing with broken cars and worrying about how the Lord’s going to provide and rarely having a moment to myself to just decompress.

And it has not always been pretty.  I feel like I’m failing on a regular basis and really that I don’t even have the strength or capacity to handle all the Lord has put on my plate.  Many nights I have gone to bed yearning for some solitude and serenity but I have 3 little monkeys full of fun all in my bedroom and I am still on the clock and nearing the edge of the cliff crazy.  And I just want to cry and scream and run away.

I feel achingly alone some days.  The one person who knows me best and loves me whole heartedly and has shown me so much grace and who is my partner in life…I can only talk to for less than 10 minutes a day and see about every 5 weeks.    And so sometimes I even find myself shut down.  Apathetic.  Just trying to manage the pain.  

And pleading with the Lord to spare my children from the wounds of my hurtful tone or bursting anger because I just can’t hold it together anymore or my neglect because I just need to zone out or I’ll implode. 

But the Lord is always faithful.  Restoring my patience when there is no silence…renewing my strength when I’m worn thru…and pouring out His healing grace when all seems to have fallen to bits.  And when I look into the eyes of my precious children and seek their forgiveness...the hurt melts away and I am humbled and beyond grateful for His tender mercies.  He is teaching me who He is and who I am not and what I can’t do…He can.

He IS ENOUGH!  And HE is ALL I NEED!

I can’t fix it.  And I can’t fix me.  And the only one who can fix all of it is my sweet, sweet Rescuer and Redeemer.  Working on my heart.  Everyday.  Even in the vast pain and failures and wayward heart of his beloved child.  Not because of anything I’ve ever done…but because He is so amazingly good. 

So here is where I try and rest.  To let go of my caustic desire to be in control.  And surrender all that I think I need…even my most precious solitude…and just trust in Him and His perfect will and plan for my life.  Entering into His precious blessings.  

The summer has been full of life and death.  Many things the Lord has shown me thru the lives and suffering of people I love.  My beloved grandmother suffered well to the very end.  She went to be with Jesus August 4^th…and although it was a very sad day…to lose her to a vicious cancer…it was such a joy to celebrate her life and her heart and what a beautiful blessing she has been to so many people.  Not a perfect woman…but a redeemed woman…full of Grace…with a lifesong that impressed on many souls.  Here’s the letter (click word letter to view...still trying to figure out how to link correctly) I wrote her that she read 2 days before her passing.

Rick is scheduled to be released to a halfway house in Dallas on January 6.  We are on the count down!  He will stay there 6-8 weeks and then transition to home confinement until May when he is officially done.  Praise the Lord!!!  

His days are spent mostly outside exercising or under the shade of a tree.  The buildings have tile floors echoing noise with plastic chairs for lounging.  The air is a cool 85 degrees with the lingering smell of boy.   The dorms have 3 tiered bunk beds and are packed into a room where about 50 inmates cozy up…talk about no solitude…  He has been reading books sent by some of you all that he has really enjoyed, so thank you!  And for the outpouring of letters and magazines and words of encouragement.

They stopped giving him his meds all together for a few weeks but have started back up and he is receiving at least 2 of the three medications that he needs.  They’ve never given him what his doctor had prescribed for him.  We’re praying that with him losing weight and exercising this will be good enough until he can get back to his regular doctor in a few months.

He plays pinochle, some kind of card exciting card game, and they have tournaments...which kinda makes me giggle.  A few weeks back there was a big riot in the main part of the prison behind the razor wire and he could hear shots being fired.  A couple of hundred inmates had to go to the “hole” which is like solitary confinement.  It’s a tiny room with a toilet and usually holds 2 prisoners per room.  Because so many were involved in the riot, they assigned 4 per room and Rick had to make sandwiches for these guys every day for a couple of weeks.  Then they shipped them all out.  

He was on a basketball league that apparently didn’t go well because the guys were pushing and shoving Rick around a little and so his “crazy” came out and it became more of a football game.  I think most of the guys there were in shock because Rick always keeps his cool and stays away from everyone.  Needless to say…he quit the basketball team because he said he’s not mature enough.  I think some of the guys were a little disappointed because it was kinda like live reality TV when Rick would get on the courts.

He says the days are long…his heart hurts when he thinks about how much he is missing and being away from his family and playing with his kids.  He hugs them tight and gives many kisses and we soak as much of him as we can when we go to visit.  It is always so hard leaving him. 

It amazes me how much he can laugh at in that horrible place.  We talk about the dysfunctions of people and weird ways they try and exert some kind of control or normalcy in there… and even when the other guys are mean to him in their madness…he always makes a story of it.  

He spends most of his time trying to share the love and hope of Christ to these men.  Who need Hope so desperately and have none.  Who need GRACE to really be free.  The Lord is using him as a blessing and it is beautiful to hear about and see the light behind his eyes as he shares it with me.

My husband is not the same man he was when he left almost a year ago.   He is a better man…a wiser man…and a stronger man…who is freer today than the day he walked through those heavy doors of shame.  Because the Lord has not abandoned him…He has LOVED him enough to take away all the temporal things that he has loved more…and given more of HIM.  And HE is enough!