A Divine Project

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.  -Psalms 71:20

 

Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life.  -George MacDonald

 

Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.  -Philip Yancey

Tired.  So tired.  Its been a long 2 weeks.  I’ve been sick with an unrelenting cold that is wearing me down.  I spent two days in bed trying to recover from a cough that felt like an internal beating.  A job on the horizon fell thru.  Not one that I felt a lot of peace about, but an anticipation of financial security and a commitment to make the absolute best of whatever the Lord gives me and then back into the world of unknowns.  And the days seem to drag on.  Alone.  Without him.

When I first met Rick and we started dating, it didn’t take me long to know that he was the one.  It wasn’t because he was perfect, because he was far from it.  It wasn’t because he had a fabulous job, because he was unemployed.  And it wasn’t because he was stable and offered security, because he moved 3 times in the first 5 months that I knew him and probably had 4 or 5 jobs.  It was because he was my favorite person.  He had this unique look on life and made me laugh those deep belly laughs.  He loved and served other people like no one I had ever experienced, and was extremely generous with the little he did have.  And he was interested in my heart.  Its deepest parts.  And he knew the Lord.

I lived in Los Angeles when I first met him.  I was out there pursuing an acting career and he had just gotten out of production.  I worked at a restaurant right by his apartment in which he came in to eat one evening.  He came up to me and started asking me questions about myself and engaging in a noncheesy way, because cheese is the MO of most Hollywood dudes, and he asked me if he could take me out to dinner so he could get to know me better.  **Sigh**  That was literally one of the sweetest things a guy had ever said to me.  He wanted to get to know ME.  He didn’t want to wine and dine me or take me to some she-she party with celebrities and plastic smiles and stuffy atmosphere or tell me of all the fabulous projects he had done.  He was after something else.  A friendship, a romance, an ever-after.  

And as I got to know him and fall in love with him, I experienced for the first time the feeling of wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone.  And I was so excited that he felt the same about me.  Just as much of a mess floundering about and chasing dreams of grandeur, drinking in the LA culture nonsense and lingering at the windows of Vanity Fair.    Living in what seemed like a wasteland of shallow intensions and lost souls with the drum beat of me…me… me…  But God saved me from this place.  My soul, my heart, my life.  And He brought two imperfect people together who were smitten and began a divine project.  

And so marriage happened.  And it was a sweet and turbulent first few years.  Expectations always seem to be a killjoy and me thinking the Holy Spirit wasn’t doing his job and stepping in to take up that task never really worked out for me.  And then kids came, a business started booming, and pressures started mounting.  From simple to complicated to more complicated to neglect.  And here accumulated our baggage.  Piled on high.

 But God was always working.  Here in the mess.  We’ve had so many ups and downs and sideways and backwards.  Two passionate people with strong wills and big ideas lead to many clashing swords.  But then in all of that the desire to push through the thick tension and broken hearts, to pursue the One Who authored this union, and to embrace those sweet and powerful words, I’m sorry.  Words that are a constant in our home.  To each other and to our children and between our children.  And I am SO grateful for those words.  And grateful for the One who we ultimately offend over and over and over again, whose mercy is vast.  For Grace and Forgiveness to be the pillars that hold our family together.  Because when sin smolders black and all of the sudden fires are raging anger, there is nothing like these solid foundations to bind what may seem unsalvageable.   And not only to put the flames out, but to wash and cleanse and heal.  They are songs of hope that were bled at the Cross.  A place of sadness, a place of injustice, a place of suffering.  Where a sacrifice was made, a ransom paid, a debt forgiven.  My debt. 

When the house of cards came tumbling down and bad decisions were reaping, I was seething, and I couldn’t let it go.  It was suffocating me.   And then one day I was sitting in my dark closet crying out to God how unfair it was and how mad I was that I had to suffer from decisions that I didn’t even make.  And then in His quiet tender voice He asks me a question.  Like a whisper in the wind, and my heart heard.  “I have forgiven him, why won’t you?”  And I felt the steel pride break.  Tears began rolling and grace started flowing and I couldn’t wait to run to my man and tell him how sorry I was for holding onto ugly resentment as if I am better.  The parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35 haunts me.  Especially when I see that it is me.  Someone has to pay the price for a wrong.  In the story, the compassionate king did.  He bore the servants great debt.  But the servant was unwilling to offer such mercy, and ultimately ended up paying the greatest price.  

Forgiveness means to walk in freedom, but it is costly to the one who forgives.  However, it is the only way to prepare the heart for true restoration.  Those who have hurt me will never heal my wounds.  But my Savior will.  And He does.  When I offer the very thing He offers me when I sin against Him, Grace, he washes over those searing heartaches with healing waters and renews.  And I find my heart has a greater capacity to love.  The other way always leads to destruction.  Of a relationship, of a family, of a soul.   

One of God’s tender mercy’s in this painful journey is a sweet renewing of our relationship.  Over the last few years it has been hard to “work” on it.  We have been carrying such a heavy burden, Rick especially, that so many hurts and misunderstandings have just gotten swept under the rug and it’s been overwhelming and you don’t know where to start and so we didn’t.  But there was always hope.  Hope that when all this was over it would get better.  And even in the hardest part of having him gone and being alone and not being able to call him when I want or touch him, I can look into his big green eyes, and see a hardness melting away and a hope that I haven’t seen in a long time springing forth new life, and the joy of all of that brings back butterflies of new love.  It is a beautiful blessing and gift.  From a loving and gracious and faithful God.  Because He is good.  And He is restoring.  And He is healing.  Making all things new.  

Over the weekend there was some jailhouse drama.  The guards put the inmates in a racquetball court while they search everything.  Their lockers, their beds, everything.  Rick had been given a better mattress from someone in there who had apparently altered it in some way to make it more comfortable.  They wrote him up for destroying property.  Then, they found a tattoo gun and tattoo paraphernalia hidden in his locker and wrote him up for that.  Both disciplinary actions could constitute a stay in the “hole”.  Solitary confinement for 30 days.  Apparently the guy who occupied the locker before him was a tattoo artist and hid the jail-made gun well, so Rick and the guards before never discovered it.   Rick doesn’t have a single tattoo on his body so it would be strange if they thought it was his, but we were very worried.  They met with him and he told them that he wasn’t responsible for either of the things he was being written up for and praise God they believed him and he did not have to go in the “hole”.  

He is still sitting in the county jail.  Almost 7 weeks and we are getting anxious.  I call every week to check on the status and they say it could be several more weeks.  Please pray for them to move him quickly!!!  His beard is getting longer and hair is sprouting quickly from when he had it shaved and he tells me funny stories of the “rules” of jail.  Like you can’t look at the other inmates “people”.  When I come to visit him and see the other guys, none of them ever really make eye contact, which I thought was odd, but apparently you can get beat up for that.  There is a cocktail called “hooch” made from old oranges that some of the inmates spend their time making.  I think those guys got put in the “hole” for that concoction.  There are rules about who can talk to who and how you get to the person you need to talk to and who’s allowed to talk to that person.  And other funny crass stories that I’ll spare you the details.  Rick is always looking out for the guys that don’t have much.  Giving away what he doesn’t need and making a call for someone who can’t themselves.  Living out the Gospel, sharing the hope of Christ, loving the unlovable and pursuing joy.  That’s my man.

As for me, I’m back on the job hunt.  I’ve been looking into sales.  Would love to do something from home or outside sales or product rep of some kind.  But I’m open to anything.  If anyone has any ideas/suggestions/resources or knows of someone who has an opportunity or a job that fits one of these descriptions who I could network with, please email me at rachpayne@verizon.net.   Would love to have something soon as the holidays are upon us.  Prayers for provision would be so greatly appreciated!