Blessed is the Rubbing of Metal

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

--C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I didn’t want to do it.  I didn’t want to let go of the offense committed against me.   Of the stinging wound that tore right thru.  Of the injustice raging deep into the seething fire of my core.

It wasn’t fair…it wasn’t right…and my heart screamed justice.

But it also wasn’t mine to make right.  It is His.  

We all have those messy hard relationships…that seem to rub like metal on metal.  Even when they’re someone you love.  Someone you long to have peace and ease with.  And then there are the ones who are just there.  Right in the middle of your life.  Stirring anxiety with conflict around every corner and you just want peace.   And then there’s you…me…rubbing someone else’s metal bloody raw.

In proverbs there is a word for it…

“As iron sharpens iron,
    so one person sharpens another.” –Proverbs 27:17

…from one person to another.

Much to be learned from the ancient penning of wisdom.  Something greater and more beautiful than I ever imagined.   

There is purpose in those hard relationships.  Beauty to be had.  If only we would be willing to die to ourselves.  

For He is right there in the middle of the messes.  Bleeding the ugly right out.  Bringing it under the scope of truth and all that hides in the dark parts of our hearts is exposed with the rubbing and clashing and erupting of self.

Sparks fly as the dull pieces are gleamed.  

Because if the crusade is for rightness and not righteousness…all is lost.  

God made us for fellowship.  First and foremost with Him.  And then our neighbor.  So that we might experience unfathomable love.  It is a gift.

Expectations marred a very precious relationship in my life growing up.  And it took me a long, long time to get it.  And I don’t know if I really every got him…but what I do know is that I stopped trying to pick cherries from an apple tree.  And I could step back and look at the wonder of the fruit…and let it be.

I’m talking about my dad.  I grew up believing I lived in some once upon a time land that violently clashed with reality and stirred up all kinds of deception in my heart.  

I thought my dad was supposed to be some prince charming who rode horses and played a stringed instrument and asked me about all my feelings and understood a profoundly complicated young adolescent girl who didn’t understand herself. 

And so my frilly image and the actuality of who God made my dad to be were at war with each other.  I kept trying to fit him into a mold that he was not divinely shaped for and I was grieving inside believing a vicious lie that he didn’t love me.  Because if he did love me our relationship would look like my picture.  And it looked like a train wreck.  I wouldn’t let go of my dream to really see my dad for the unique and wonderful man that he is.  

And sadly it took me years to uncover the lie and see my own reasons for holding onto a dead dream.  I thought that if the dream never came true…I would never have a part of my heart healed.  

But what I didn’t know…is that no dream or fairy tale prince could ever fill that “deep longing which is a part of the grace given to Eve to drive her to the River of Life” –Captivating.  I had set my object of affection on something that was never meant to be God.  

In time…the Lord opened up my eyes to the madness and mended the wounds and killed the expectations.  And I’m so thankful for the grace of my dad who put up with all that nonsense.  And never went away.  And I’m so thankful that my dad is not my creation…he is His…” fearfully and wonderfully made” –Psalm 139:14.

So in the bloody battlefields of hard relationships ordained by Grace…God calls me to lay down my arms and surrender my will and exercise love…even when I don’t want to.  Especially when it is undeserved.  

Because that is what He does for me over and over and over again.  Mercy and Grace.  Covering me.

 

Called to humble myself…the mess maker of all things…to the Healer of all things...and honor Him by honoring the beautiful soul graciously brought into my life to bring Him glory.  And he does it for my good.  “Self can never cast out self, even in the regenerate man.” –Andrew Murray

To live with a heart full of submission rather than reaction takes incredible restraint…and humility.  To turn to kindness and grace in the face of accusation.  To turn the other cheek in the wake of a lashing.  And I don’t know about you, but when I get slapped in the face…the last thought in my mind is to offer another shot.  Swimming upstream in a torrid current seems more attainable.

But seeing our eyes full of planks is no small feat either.  And. They. Are. Full.  I think the word Jesus calls me is a…”hypocrite” –Matthew 7:5.  Yes…yes indeed.  I confess…I am.  Ugly messy heart bleeding out in the face of scripture.  

Blessed is the rubbing of metal.  The uncomfortable rawness of pain.  Lain bare before the Scar Bearer and Soul Healer who longs to make it all right.  

We are called to take up our crosses.  As He did on Calvary’s hill.  Nails plunged through flesh hanging bare and bleeding red.  Insults hurled while saliva showers poured.   His most trusted friends denied and deserted Him.  And still He spoke the words, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” –Luke 23:34.  For He knew the depth of depravity that loomed inside the fallen man…yet his love and mercy are offered here...at the cross of death for life…in place of wrath.  It is what He came for.  For me.  The ultimate Fairytale Savior…but this One… is the Real Deal.  

***It's Rick's birthday this Saturday.  We will be going to see him and hug him tight and celebrate the gift that he has been to all of us.  If you have a second...drop him a card or note of encouragement.  Address in the column to the right.***

Wide Open Spaces

From the movie The Princess Bride

Buttercup: You mock my pain.
Man in Black: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. 

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.  Philippians 3:8

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  -2Corinthians 12:19

Ahhhhhhh….my daughter is off to preschool and for the first time in months I have a few hours of uninterrupted time to sit and think.  A bit of silence devoid of pause is a tall glass of water for this thirsty heart.    

I have missed my quiet time at my keyboard spilling out life onto wide open spaces.  I have yearned for it even.  There is something about expelling hurt that changes the shape of pain.  From deep quaking despair…to carved out wonder taking the form of something beautiful and meaningful.  And sharing it has made all the difference.  

I have really struggled at times with sanity this summer.  Living in a house with another family of 5 and having 6 kids running and screaming and making messes and doing what joyful young kids do.  Just trying to survive the whirlwind of parenting alone and the constant needs and demands and chaos while running the day to day household duties and dealing with broken cars and worrying about how the Lord’s going to provide and rarely having a moment to myself to just decompress.

And it has not always been pretty.  I feel like I’m failing on a regular basis and really that I don’t even have the strength or capacity to handle all the Lord has put on my plate.  Many nights I have gone to bed yearning for some solitude and serenity but I have 3 little monkeys full of fun all in my bedroom and I am still on the clock and nearing the edge of the cliff crazy.  And I just want to cry and scream and run away.

I feel achingly alone some days.  The one person who knows me best and loves me whole heartedly and has shown me so much grace and who is my partner in life…I can only talk to for less than 10 minutes a day and see about every 5 weeks.    And so sometimes I even find myself shut down.  Apathetic.  Just trying to manage the pain.  

And pleading with the Lord to spare my children from the wounds of my hurtful tone or bursting anger because I just can’t hold it together anymore or my neglect because I just need to zone out or I’ll implode. 

But the Lord is always faithful.  Restoring my patience when there is no silence…renewing my strength when I’m worn thru…and pouring out His healing grace when all seems to have fallen to bits.  And when I look into the eyes of my precious children and seek their forgiveness...the hurt melts away and I am humbled and beyond grateful for His tender mercies.  He is teaching me who He is and who I am not and what I can’t do…He can.

He IS ENOUGH!  And HE is ALL I NEED!

I can’t fix it.  And I can’t fix me.  And the only one who can fix all of it is my sweet, sweet Rescuer and Redeemer.  Working on my heart.  Everyday.  Even in the vast pain and failures and wayward heart of his beloved child.  Not because of anything I’ve ever done…but because He is so amazingly good. 

So here is where I try and rest.  To let go of my caustic desire to be in control.  And surrender all that I think I need…even my most precious solitude…and just trust in Him and His perfect will and plan for my life.  Entering into His precious blessings.  

The summer has been full of life and death.  Many things the Lord has shown me thru the lives and suffering of people I love.  My beloved grandmother suffered well to the very end.  She went to be with Jesus August 4^th…and although it was a very sad day…to lose her to a vicious cancer…it was such a joy to celebrate her life and her heart and what a beautiful blessing she has been to so many people.  Not a perfect woman…but a redeemed woman…full of Grace…with a lifesong that impressed on many souls.  Here’s the letter (click word letter to view...still trying to figure out how to link correctly) I wrote her that she read 2 days before her passing.

Rick is scheduled to be released to a halfway house in Dallas on January 6.  We are on the count down!  He will stay there 6-8 weeks and then transition to home confinement until May when he is officially done.  Praise the Lord!!!  

His days are spent mostly outside exercising or under the shade of a tree.  The buildings have tile floors echoing noise with plastic chairs for lounging.  The air is a cool 85 degrees with the lingering smell of boy.   The dorms have 3 tiered bunk beds and are packed into a room where about 50 inmates cozy up…talk about no solitude…  He has been reading books sent by some of you all that he has really enjoyed, so thank you!  And for the outpouring of letters and magazines and words of encouragement.

They stopped giving him his meds all together for a few weeks but have started back up and he is receiving at least 2 of the three medications that he needs.  They’ve never given him what his doctor had prescribed for him.  We’re praying that with him losing weight and exercising this will be good enough until he can get back to his regular doctor in a few months.

He plays pinochle, some kind of card exciting card game, and they have tournaments...which kinda makes me giggle.  A few weeks back there was a big riot in the main part of the prison behind the razor wire and he could hear shots being fired.  A couple of hundred inmates had to go to the “hole” which is like solitary confinement.  It’s a tiny room with a toilet and usually holds 2 prisoners per room.  Because so many were involved in the riot, they assigned 4 per room and Rick had to make sandwiches for these guys every day for a couple of weeks.  Then they shipped them all out.  

He was on a basketball league that apparently didn’t go well because the guys were pushing and shoving Rick around a little and so his “crazy” came out and it became more of a football game.  I think most of the guys there were in shock because Rick always keeps his cool and stays away from everyone.  Needless to say…he quit the basketball team because he said he’s not mature enough.  I think some of the guys were a little disappointed because it was kinda like live reality TV when Rick would get on the courts.

He says the days are long…his heart hurts when he thinks about how much he is missing and being away from his family and playing with his kids.  He hugs them tight and gives many kisses and we soak as much of him as we can when we go to visit.  It is always so hard leaving him. 

It amazes me how much he can laugh at in that horrible place.  We talk about the dysfunctions of people and weird ways they try and exert some kind of control or normalcy in there… and even when the other guys are mean to him in their madness…he always makes a story of it.  

He spends most of his time trying to share the love and hope of Christ to these men.  Who need Hope so desperately and have none.  Who need GRACE to really be free.  The Lord is using him as a blessing and it is beautiful to hear about and see the light behind his eyes as he shares it with me.

My husband is not the same man he was when he left almost a year ago.   He is a better man…a wiser man…and a stronger man…who is freer today than the day he walked through those heavy doors of shame.  Because the Lord has not abandoned him…He has LOVED him enough to take away all the temporal things that he has loved more…and given more of HIM.  And HE is enough!