Taking my eyes off the storm...and a word from the inside...

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” -Corrie Ten Boom

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” -Corrie Ten Boom
 
"There are no if's in God's world.  And no places that are safer than other places.  The center of His will is our only safety." -Betsie Ten Boom

As for our trip to Big Spring, seeing Rick for the first time in a long time there in his new temporary home, and enjoying those rich family moments where all of us were together, not doing anything extraordinary, but how extraordinary it was to just be together.  Talking.  Laughing.  Crying.   The next two weeks felt like a thick fog of surging emotions.  Wild waves tossing heart looking directly at the storm.  

Grey skies.  Chilled air.  Heart heavy.   Feeling like I’m treading water.  Anxious and dismayed.    And some days the swells of sorrow drench the soul.  And when the weight seems to crush and the light seems dim, I feel spent…powerless… parched.  Gripping fear.  Mind stuck on the what if’s.  Consumed by reality of not being in control and feeling like a mess of failure in the parenting department because I simply cannot be their all and fix their brokenness and rescue them from the hurling pain of life’s carnage.  

New fears weigh heavy.  He’s still not getting his proper medication.  He has to have his meds to keep his heart healthy, but they literally could care less.  One day he started having an irregular heartbeat but there’s no one there to monitor his condition.  I’ve tried calling his attorney who says there’s really not much we can do at this point but bother them.  It’s difficult to get anyone on the phone at the prison and when I do, they just pass the buck.  I’ve had his medical records from his cardiologist sent there for the doctor to review, but that hasn’t made a dent.  He has some kind of rash on his skin that some of the other inmates suffer from as well that itches like crazy and he’s put in a “call” to be bee seen by the physician, but it could take days if not weeks.   He has some new unusual bruising on his legs.  How can I see through the darkness when all I see is disaster ahead?  As if I know the future.  As if I have any power over life and death.  

And then there’s my kids.  One of them is struggling with rushing through his work to get it turned in first as if it’s a race and his grades are falling and I don’t know how to teach an 8 year old to slow down, pay attention to detail, check over his work, and use the tools his teacher has given him to get the answers right.  It’s not a matter of knowing the right answer, because he does, it’s a matter of using the tools he’s been given and applying them in the most important of times.  

Convicted…I’ve been wrought with fear and worry and feeling sick that I can’t change or help or make these people give my husband his life saving medication as if really that medication is the thing that will save his life.  Because the reality is he is not less safe at that place than he would be at home.  The good Lord holds his precious life.  He gives him breath and health and He sustains.  Not the medication, the circumstances, the doctors.  And yet even as this truth gleams clarity in my heart, there is a very large part of me that has a hard time letting go of that need to control.  And yet it holds me hostage.  Ironically I am not in control when I’m being controlled by my fear and worries. 

What good is fear?  The worried kind of fear.  Dazed, paralyzing, anguishing worry.  All sending a heart down deep into a pit.  And here is where I’m like my son.  Even though I have the weapons to combat the dragon, I can’t pick up my sword.  Stunned at the beast I simply look at the horror.  And all the overwhelming circumstances that seem bleak.  I start to believe the lie that I can’t do it.  I’ll fail.  I am failing.  In the day to day.  Messes mounting by the second, wild excitement with nerf swords swinging, an animal instinct to claim toys as one’s own and to protect them at all costs, even if it entails violence, having to remind over and over and over again to pick up clothes and brush teeth and clean up plates and do homework.  Does anyone else have a hard time maintaining order in their home?  Or maybe my expectations are just unreasonable...

Feeling weak and defeated and unable...at the end of myself…I remember to PRAY.  How could I have been neglecting my Life source for so long???  I have been too busy trying to do His job, a job much too big for me to handle, that I didn’t even realize I’m sinking in the mess of it.  Kinda like Peter when Jesus called him to walk to Him on the water…

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”  ~Matthew 14:29-33

I love how it says immediately.  Peter cries out for help and Jesus “immediately” reaches out to save him.   And I love how God shows us the follies of His closest companions who walked the earth with Him in the flesh and witnessed miracles…they too succumbed to fear in the presence of an ominous storm.  

This is a journey.  I constantly have to be reminded of that.  For my feet want so desperately to plant themselves on safe ground and throw my tent of comfort up and bury myself in a warm blanket and stay inside where the elements won’t hurt.  Buy there is no tent here and the path is wrought with pitfalls and unexpected turns and steep daunting mountains and dark thick valleys.  And my heart has to stay alert.  Eyes on the Light so I can see where I’m going and take in my daily manna and cry out for my Savior who will carry me through this storm.  And at the end of this chapter, I believe with all my heart that I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  Because His work is good and beautiful and right.  

One of the things I decided to do this last week was pick up a book about a book about a woman, a family who faced some of the most horrible circumstances that have ever been known to man, the Holocaust.  The book is called The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom.  They are gold medal winners when it comes to suffering and living out the gospel and I wanted to see what that looked like.  Be still my soul.  I am so humbled by their faith and love and courage and sacrifice.  They were part of an operation in Holland that saved thousands of Jews from extermination.  And a few of the members of the Ten Boom family paid the ultimate price for relentlessly helping these persecuted souls and loving them well and serving them well and it has shredded my heart.  Something so horrible did not deter their fight for joy and their faith in God.   “There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.”  Corrie Ten Boom  

Her life and ministry went on to greatly impact the world.  For the Glory of God and for the good of so many.  And the Lord has graciously begun to show me where he is at work on the inside.  These are two letters I have received from inmates that have been in prison with Rick.  

First letter:

Rick,

It’s January 16^th and I have another court hearing tomorrow.  Yes, still in Pod #3!  After you left, the pod turned over so there are all new people here.  S finally went to the hole and is in pod #6 now so it is much quieter in here.  The reason why I wrote is to say thank you to you and your family for all that you did for me.  I also wanted to tell you that I finally started reading my Bible with G, LD, and Mr.S.  We have Bible study each day after lunch and I have now read the New Testament at least 3 times and am still trying to get through the Old Testament.  Mr. S caught chain the first week of December and should be home by now and LD got rolled out about a week ago and is in Pod#6 with S.  So you might be surprised to hear that G and I have kept the Bible study going and the prayer call at night.  I have reaffirmed my relationship with God and feel great!  Thank you again for that also.  Watching you, LD, G, and Al study the word somehow got me to reading my Bible as opposed to just using it as a Prison address book and it has changed my life.  As I get ready for court tomorrow I can honestly say that I have very little worries about the outcome and just look forward to each day God gives to me.  I can still take probation and walk out of here any day or two years at the state prison and be out within a month on parole, but God has not told me to do that yet.  I have been blessed with mail from my ex wife and photo’s of my kids.  I hope this letter finds you blessed and in good spirits.  Also, one more time, many thanks to you, your spouse, and your sister for contacting my family and making it possible for me to contact my kids.  God Bless you all and I hope you are home with them soon.  

Portion of Second Letter (this was to me):

Rick is a great guy all around.  Since I was in jail my wife didn't have much money to send me while I was in.  Rick never let me go without anything.  He would share food with me when I was out; he even gave me a phone card once to call my wife.  I didn't have the luxury of calling my wife everyday and he made that possible with the phone card he gave me.  It doesn't seem like much probably, but inside things like that are huge.  He would even give me coffee and have me hand it to others who didn't have any. His condition of giving me the coffee was to share it, and not tell anyone I got it from him.  Super nice guy!  I didn't talk to many of the other inmates while I was in, but I hung out with Rick all I could.  We are both from Florida by the way.  He also let me read the blogs you sent him.  Tonight I will read all the blogs you have written and get updated on him.  I guess he finally left Denton? I also want to stay in touch because I told him I would. In jail you tell people you will stay in touch but in reality you don't.  Not to say I'm any better than the other inmates but the majority of them aren't going to change their lives, and I don't want to associate with that.  I know Rick is a good guy so he is the only one I have decided to stay in contact with.