BRAVE

Frodo: Go back, Sam! I'm going to Mordor alone.

Sam: Of course you are. And I'm coming with you!

                  -The Lord of the Rings 

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” –CS Lewis  

"God of our life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Your honor and glory.”  -Augustine  

The days of lonely are rough.  The weight of bearing it all sometimes makes my knees buckle…right down to the dusty earth.  Where I see life…pushing through dirt up towards light and the earth whispers death to life…the sweet song of Redemption.   

 We are down to our last visit with Rick.  When we went to see him a couple of weeks ago he was a bit anxious and teary.  We left early Saturday morning taking the long drive without traffic and without having to spend two nights in that stinky town.  The kids play their games or watch movies.  They ask “are we almost there” starting about mile 15.

The drive this time was sweeter somehow.  An end in sight.  The sun warmly ascended on wheat fields beaming amber rays and the cotton was ready for harvest.  I love how beautiful fall clothes the countryside…and how the cool air brings much relief from the summer inferno.

As soon as we arrived at the prison…Saxon stepped out of the car and all of his youthful zeal faded to grey.  He goes from excitement to exhaustion when we walk through the stale doors and into the smell of microwave popcorn and processed tamales.  

I certainly for one will not miss all of the Big Spring smells…can you tell?  The oil refineries potent scent that wakes me in the middle of the night to the hotel chemicals used to mask the stench.  And the jalapeño cheddar hamburger that is lunch from the vending machine when eaten will generate an internal chemical reaction producing its own lasting smells for the rest of the day.

Rick was full of smiles and love and hugs and tears.  Longing to be home and so happy to see his family after 5 long weeks.  If I count back it’s probably been less than 15 times that we’ve seen him this year.  So much he’s missed…but the distance and time have not been in vain.  The Lord has been in every moment and every mile between…busy at work carving away all that encumbers our deepest desires…so that we can have more of Him.  Because HE IS JOY.   “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” –John Piper

He took the kids outside and played blocks with them and asked them about their lives and told them how much he missed them.   Saxon’s head down on his Noni’s lap just trying to get through the long 4 hours with a burden that he bears brave.  There was a paper that he wrote at school describing who his hero is that I shared with his dad…

My Hero

What is a hero…a hero is someone who is brave, defensive and playful.

He teaches my brother and I how to defend ourselves with nerf guns and swords.

He goes hard on us, so if someone were to break in we would be able to defend ourselves and our family.

He taught my brother and I how to wrestle.

But most of all he protects our family.

My dad is my hero.

All of my kid’s hero is their dad.  Arista loves telling people when she’s going to see her dad and never skips a beat when she tells them he’s in jail.  She shares with her whole ballet class, her friends, our neighbors.  Anyone who will listen.  When she’s playing games of flying and making wishes with Pixie Dust the only place she wants to go is to Big Spring where her daddy is.  My youngest son Lochlan brings home drawings every week of his dad.  All covered in words of I love and miss my daddy.  I have stacks and stacks of them.  And Saxon…well…he just is his dad…in so many ways...

And he is my hero, too.  I am so proud of how he has walked through these last 14 months.   Bettering himself in any way he can.  He has worked on losing weight and eating the best he can where food is labeled “not fit for human consumption” and reading more and being patient and holding it together in the walls of that wretched place.  And that has got to be incredibly challenging for someone who has a hard time staying in one place and who gets cabin fever really easily. 

His fellow inmate friend called me today who got out a week ago and wanted to check on him.  He told me that Rick has been a mentor to him.  Helping him out of the pit of where he had come from.  Giving him Truth and Wisdom and encouragement.  Holding him accountable and spurring him on to be a better person. 

 

He continues to touch people’s lives…to press on…to fight the good fight!!!

And I’m incredibly touched and thankful for all of those who have been out to see him.  It has blessed him beyond measure.  Those that have sacrificed their time and resources to go to a not so touristy place and sit in some not so luxurious accommodations and just visit and love on him.  Thank you!!!!!!!

My mom has been my Sam in this whole ordeal.  Samwise Gamgee…the simple gardener in the Lord of the Rings who becomes the biggest hero of the story.  He is with Frodo every step of the way…all the way to the end.  Even when Frodo turns on him.  Even when Frodo releases him of his obligation.  He won’t leave his side.  He always see’s Frodo for who he is and the weight he has to bear and the mission at hand and keeps his eyes on the task…and helps his friend at all costs to bear that ring to its final destruction.

 

My mom bears her cross with the utmost beauty and grace.  She has been there through all my tears and fears and “I’m about to lose it” moments always steadfast and full of compassion.  She comes to the kids’ games and school events and has gone to every single visit we’ve had with Rick because I couldn’t have done it alone.  All this and much much more while losing her mom this summer and helping her dad grieve and move on to a new chapter and new home and working and everything else she has going on.  And she loves my husband ever so tenderly. 

 

She went with me this morning to a Veteren’s Day assembly at my kid’s school where Saxon sang his heart out in a beautiful choral performance.  I was so surprised at how many times I was choking back tears.  There were many veterans there…fathers, grandfathers, uncles and cousins…all standing to be recognized for each division of the Armed Forces where they served.  And I looked at each one of their faces…some young and some old.  And I thought about what sacrifice is…for our country…for the people.  And they give it freely…and courageously…bearing the scars of war on their hearts and some on the flesh.

We’re surrounded by hero after hero after hero.  And I thought of the hero’s who have been there for me this past year…and all of my life.  There are so many…that have carried us through and have generously offered financial assistance and have stewarded a company and have given up their home and who have rallied around us and helped me with my kids and called and texted and emailed to check on me and written Rick letters and sent him books and faithfully been there for us in prayer and encouragement and love all the other ways you have graciously served our family...I am so eternally and deeply grateful beyond word of words for your love and sacrifice. 

And especially for THE HERO in all of it…who knows my heart and hurt and messiness and brokenness.  That He saved me right in the middle of it all.  That I’m not condemned but redeemed…that I’m not lost but found…that He carries my burdens and heals my wounds and binds up my broken heart and carries me thru.  I’m covered in Grace because of HIS great MERCY.  Not because anything I’ve done…but because of who HE is.  He saves us in spite of ourselves…because we all fall short (Romans 3:23).

He has sent His army of saints to wrap their arms around us and support us and fight for us this year in the middle of pain and hurt and suffering…He has not abandoned us…He has not punished us…He has not rejected us…quite the contrary.  He has loved us ferociously…”But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved” -Ephesians 2:4-5.

I’m ready for Rick to come home and fix things.  And break up fights and answer a few of the 900 questions I get asked by 3 little curious souls on a daily basis and give tea parties and sword fights and daddy dates and lots of hugs and kisses which Rick is so good at.  But most of all…I’m ready for him to come home so we can take care of him and he can be where he belongs…with his family and all who love him dearly.