Saturday, January 25, 2014

The Bear Went Over the Mountain...What Do You Think He Saw?


“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

“Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.”  ~C.S. Lewis

“Imagination projects unreal images out of the mind and seeks to attach reality to them.  Faith creates nothing; it simply reckons upon that which is already there.”  ~A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God


It was dark and lovely and the early morning chill prickled excitement as I set out for the airport.  I arrived in Midland and went downstairs to the lobby and to wait.  The sand of time funneling its last grains through as I sat with anticipation.  

Time experienced in a new way this year.  Days stretched long like a winter storm commanding all to halt in the deep white freeze.  And then the melting begins.  

He walked through the doors in a bright yellow jacket over a collared shirt and stiff jeans that they gave him to wear out into the “real” world.  I had to snap pictures…and then more pictures as he went to change back into his own clothes.  Wanting to capture every sweet joy brimming grace of freedoms taken for granted.   He emerged smiling and joking walking brave out of an undignified vile system that breeds darkness.  But in the darkest of dark…the true Light of Life burns…

He carries a year and a half of contained emotions that he said made him numb.  Unable to express the sorrows and longings and desires and emptiness along with the rage and injustice and neglect and living with 220 men all on top of each other sharing 20 showers and 20 bathroom stalls and 8 phones.  And correctional officers who abuse power for their own enjoyment…and being unable to go to a doctor and be properly treated for a life threatening condition and to reside with people who are in an environment that fosters self preservation hence narcissism has been…a repeated… lashing…on the soul.

He sat quietly looking out the window at the planes taking flight to open skies and shared the hidden beauty of that place.  In all of his life he struggled to hear the still small voice of God speaking into his heart.  He used to get so frustrated with the Lord as to why he could not discern the Holy Spirit’s prompting and incredulous to those who proclaimed they could hear.  Lying on his bed with his eyes closed and worldly pleasures extinct…the eternal Living God of the universe made Himself known.  Right in the foul dark chaos of prison…His voice became crystal clear.  And my heart wept joy and gratitude for Grace coming into the desert and revealing Himself to Rick as he has so longed to hear His voice!  “He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye” –Deuteronomy 32:10

The Lord did not abandon him.  He was with him every moment of every long hour ticking away the days.

And Rick became a messenger proclaiming the Gospel which literally means “good news” to those who were weary.

Everyone told him how to be when he went “in”.  Don’t talk to anyone keep your head down and don’t make eye contact and don’t ask all those questions you like to ask and try and keep to yourself.  But that’s just not who Rick is.  He can’t help himself.  He loves people and he loves life and he wants to know what people are about and have relationships.  And because of it he made a difference in the lives of the souls who he came in contact with. 
 
His Bunkie who slept on the bottom of his 3 man bunk and had been in prison for almost 20 years for working for the drug cartel told him he was the best Bunkie he had ever had and he was sad to see him go.  He also apologized to him for spraying chemicals on his bed when Rick went thru the scabies episode, which Rick said during that time his sheets were hurting him and he didn’t know why.  This is the “gringo…you cry?” guy from my first post in Big Spring.

The other guys started distancing themselves the last few weeks before Rick left.  Rick said it’s what people do when others leave.  They become aloof and angry at the ones leaving because they’re sad to be losing someone they have let themselves become friends with and angry because they are left behind.  His counselor (the go to person for all the inmates in Rick’s camp) who had become a huge advocate for him while he was in there gave Rick his contact information so they could stay in touch…how…weird…is…that.

What a wonderful feeling it was to sit on comfortable chairs and hug and talk without an audience and a babysitter.  He shared stories of all the misery of being shackled and trying to eat and drink and sit in a tiny chair on a moving bus for 4 hours and being locked up in a tiny room from one transportation site to the next.  All the while laughing as he acted out the ridiculousness of it like a Saturday night live skit.  One of the many things I love about him.  That he can laugh in the face of adversity.  

We boarded the plane and held each other’s hands and the engines roared resolve.  The hardest part was over.  Lifting off that tarmac for the last time and this time not alone. 

When we landed in Dallas we had to hurry because our plane had been late and he had to be at the halfway house at a certain time.  It is south of Dallas in Hutchins and there really isn’t much around it.  Driving up the red brick building reminded me of an old nursing home.  I felt relieved that it wasn’t frightful looking. 
  
I remembered when I dropped him off September 28, 2012 at the Denton county jail and the sinking feeling almost made me throw up.  I had never even seen a jail and the sight of it was horrible and the long haul in front of us too much to bear. 

This was so much different.  The building looked harmless and there was no razor wire to be seen. 

I had packed a bag full of treasures that he was unable to use in Big Spring.  Like fragrant mint soap and shaving cream and a double edged raiser and good deodorant and soft pants and shirts and an electric toothbrush which he said was his favorite thing.  He brushed his teeth over and over and over.

Since then we have talked on the phone as much as we’ve wanted without the recording of a woman stating “this call is from a federal prison…”.  He has started working in Flower Mound and we get to see him more often. 

All of that has been amazing.  He has had many friends come by to see him and been able to call others he’s been out of touch with for over a year and there has been so much joy just having him close…especially with the kids.  My daughter gets excited when we kiss or hold hands…she grins and giggles and says, “ya’ll are married…”.  

Moving forward there are huge new mountains ahead of us (just like that darn bear) and the terrain of these next few months and years will come along new challenges.  The halfway house makes it incredibly complicated to integrate back into life and make money.  Rick is a go getter with an entrepreneurial spirit.  He needs to have a car and be mobile and a cell phone and normal things people need to get the ball rolling. 

He has to get all of these things approved yet they make it extremely difficult.  Like crazy difficult.  He can’t leave the store to get a cell phone but he has to have a cell phone and number before he can get it approved.  Same thing with a car.
 
He can’t go home until he has an archaic phone line hooked up with a bill and a letter from the phone company stating that the phone line has no calling features.  I have spent hours upon hours with Verizon trying to get this accomplished. 

He has to pay 25% restitution from his paycheck and that money goes not to the “injured parties” but to the government for interest…can someone explain to me why the government collects the interest from the parties that lost their money?  I don’t know about you…but that seems criminal to me.  The government is making money off of victim’s restitution and the victims get nothing.  And it’s 2% of 2.8 million dollars so the injured parties will likely never see a dime unless the Lord comes in and parts the red seas…which I know He can…I just hope that He’s willing. 

Not to mention it’s a huge pill to swallow writing that check when Rick never took any money from anyone.  He lost all that he had from doing business with a person he thought was his friend.  One bad decision ripples destruction…but not defeat.  The Lord orchestrated it all and it…is…good.

I’ll be honest…I don’t really want to climb anymore mountains.  I just want to sit back and coast for awhile.  I just want to have my husband at home with his family and reconnect and not have to think about any of these challenges ahead.  But the Lord's work is not done here.  

He's got something better up His sleeve.  The bigger the challenge...the more amazing the Glory...and if we get more of Him...than coasting would rob us of life's greatest Treasure.  "I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ"-Philippians 3:8.

This is a new chapter of a story about Hope, redemption…and God’s saving Grace.  It’s His Story.  And Grace leads the way through every storm…every desert…and every impassible road that may present itself before us.  WE. CANNOT. SEE. AHEAD…but we can trust in THE WAY.  For He has brought us this far.

I love the Bible and how it is FULL Of these stories.  Injustice.  Unfairness.  Pain.  Suffering. Impossible circumstances.  And most of all broken messed up people.   And how through all of it you can see God’s hand.  Working in the lives of His people.  Displaying His goodness and His glory. 

One of my favorites is Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers and taken to Egypt (Genesis 37).  He was sold to a man who found favor in him but whose wife lusted after him and accused him of a crime he did not commit.  He was thrown into prison where he then found favor in the eyes of the prison keeper but where he sat for years…until the Lord used the gift He had given him…the one that had caused his brothers to sell him into slavery…to release him from prison and into the favor of Pharaoh…where he was put in charge of ruling the country…and then his brothers came down to Egypt.  And asked him for help during a horrible famine in the land.  And he says…”As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” –Genesis 50:20.  That act of evil saved a nation of people…God’s people. 

So I trust the Lord…and sometimes that trust comes with many tears and confessions and a large helping of humble pie...which I might add…is the kind of pie that takes weight off the heart and heals egocentrism.   I pray that He will allow us to pay off the whole restitution before Rick’s probation is up in 3 years.  And that all of this strenuous faith walking will bring about soul conditioning and heart reshaping that will prepare us for greater callings.  God is able…and I’m not afraid to pray for what seems impossible.  Because the Truth tells me “nothing is impossible with God” –Luke 1:37.  That’s where I plant my feet.  On that Rock. 

And when doubt and fear creep in…I will raise my Ebenezer.  “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the LORD has helped us” -1 Samuel 7:13.  2012-2013 seemed like an impossible year to get thru in so many ways and here we are on the other side…He was faithful and will continue to be.  I love the movie After Earth.  A beautiful allegory of our walk with God (Hollywood can’t help but knit Truth into their stories…it’s what moves the hearts of men) of fear and faith and claiming truth in the face of fear. 

Here’s a quote from the movie…“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.”

He has brought us this far…He will continue to carry us through life’s joys and sorrows and hardships.   For He is a God who saves.  And so we’ll move on…ahead…and forward.  Straight into the impassible roads ahead.  Just like the Israelites did so many years ago…and God made a way… 

14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” 
15 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. 
16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. 17 I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. 18 The Egyptians will know that I am the Lord when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen.” 
19 Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel’s army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, 20 coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long. 21 Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, 22 and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.  -Exodus 14:14-22 






















Saturday, January 4, 2014

Lusterless Treasures...New Horizons...and Thankful Hearts


“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”  -C.S.  Lewis
  
All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king. 
-JRR Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Thank you, Lord, for 2013.  For a year full of adversity.  For deeper sorrows than I’ve ever known.  Where security was exposed for the lie it is.  Where the illusion of control was unveiled as the great betrayer.  

Thank you for breaking me to pieces.  And taking away so many comforts and freedoms and things I hold dearer than You.  For opening up my eyes to dark places in the world longing for Hope and a Savior…and the dark places in my own heart in need of a Healer and Redeemer. 

And thank You for the unexpected unprecedented twists and turns that are always a stamp of Your hand and presence in all the chaos.  For growing a tattered marriage stronger in the absence of each other.  For wooing children closer to Your loving heart through blurred hot tears and bended knees.  For sending provision month after month after month from places unforeseen and people with generous hearts hurting with us and fighting for us.

It has been a year with more prayer…which means more of You.  And a year with more wanting of Who you Are…because a withered soul thrives in the places and truths of its Creator.  With deep thoughts and earnest seeking and humble revelation.  And tears weeping from open wounds…caught in a precious bottle…held by a loving Father…who is FOR us and not against us.

Thank you for showing me that all my nagging fears are just that…fear…and that True Love and fear do not mingle or mix…as one repels the other…they are oil and water.   That there is One greater than all fear and pain and He has used my circumstances as a beautiful place to reveal His goodness and grace.  

And most of all…thank you for loving me in the ugly messes that I always make…for the sinner I continue to be…and for bleeding red mercy death on a cross so I may live eternally in Glory with You. 

You have lavished riches beyond measure upon us this year.  Ones that are eternal and beautiful and everything I never wanted but all I could ever hope for in procuring the One true treasure … the Spring of Living Water…the Vine of vitality…and the Bread of Life.   Your faithfulness is unwavering and your gentleness bestows peace. 

And last of all…that covers all…that mends all…that saves all…thank you for Sweet…Precious…Amazing Grace.  I experienced more of It’s treasures this last year than I ever have.  Suffering for You has been an honor and a privilege.  Thank you for trusting me with it and in it…and for new mercies every morning when I have not suffered well.   I pray our story…Your story…will bring others Hope and You Glory.   And may we all know even more of Your Grace in 2014.  

“O righteous Father, even though the world does not know you, I know you, and these know that you have sent me.  I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.” –John 17:25-26  thank you Jesus that you love us so…


What is on the horizon for 2014…

Monday morning I will be flying out to Midland to pick up Rick and bring him back to Dallas where I will drop him off at the new place he will reside for the next couple of months and hopefully not more.  We are so excited!!!  Apparently this halfway house has more “scary” type offenders…and is not in the best part of town…so please keep us in your prayers and the souls who we will be encountering during this time.  

Rick will be able to work and has been working on many new business endeavors and looking to start back on his title business with his loyal clients and growing that business again and all kind of other things that he is excited to put into place.  Please pray for God’s hand in this and direction and that it will not take him long to ramp up cash flow as his sister and family will be moving out in February.  

Please keep them in your prayers as well.  They have persevered with us thru this difficult journey and I would love prayers asking that the Lord would bless them for their sacrifice and in their new home and wherever and to whatever He calls them next.  Both of our families have many transitions this next year and would love prayers of Grace and peace throughout these.

As for me…I will continue writing and blogging.  But I also have an exciting new venture on the horizon.  I have been working on a new ministry that the Lord has put heavy on my heart.  I’m hoping to unveil a rough draft of it in the next couple of months.  I would love your prayers and help if you can.  

I need someone who can video and edit interview style.  It would be pro bono for the first pilot.  rachpayne@verizon.net if you have a contact.

And stories.  I need stories of survivors who have become thrivers…stories around a certain event in their life…

An example I heard recently was of the story of a man who lost his wife and child in a car crash and one child survived.  His journey thru the pain to joy was compelling and beautiful.  We need more of these stories.  I need more of these stories.  God is good even in the worst circumstances.  His-Story will always end in redemption and restoration…but it doesn’t mean that there still isn’t a great sense of loss and pain…and it’s those who have not only learned…but breathed in the truth that His Grace is sufficient…that go from survivor to thriver.  This is what Hope is all about.

If you know someone who has survived a harrowing ordeal and the Lord has redeemed their pain and they might want to share their story or you have and want to share your own story…I would love to hear it.  I am looking for 3 for our first pilot and more after that.  This would be recorded and put up in various media outlets and possibly some other venues.  rachpayne@verizon.net



Some of the scripture woven throughout my life and my heart this last year…
  
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.  -Hebrews 4:12

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?  –Jeremiah 17:9

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."  -Mark 2:17

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”  -Matthew 13:44

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  –Psalm 34:18

Fear not, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel! I am the one who helps you, declares the LORD; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.  –Isaiah 41:14

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”  -Matthew 11:28-29

“but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  -John 4:14

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”  -John 15:5

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.”  -John 6:35

Then Pilate said to him, “So you are a king?” Jesus answered, “You say that I am a king. For this purpose I was born and for this purpose I have come into the world—to bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth listens to my voice.”  - John 18:37

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  - Psalm 56:8

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  - Romans 8:31

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  -1 John 4:18

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  -Lamentations 3:22-23
 
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  -Romans 5:8