Thursday, December 20, 2012

Marana tha...Marana tha!!

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end".  -Be still My Soul hymn


"In the last book of The Lord of the Rings, Sam Gamgee wakes up, thinking everything is lost and discovering instead that all his friends were around him, he cries out:  "Gandalf!  I thought you were dead!  But then I thought I was dead!  Is everything sad going to come untrue?""  -Tim Keller

Heart...Breaking.   Gut…Wrenching.   Nau…seating.  Soul…Crushing.  

We are all writhing with grief in the aftermath of last week’s horrific and senseless tragedy.  It is beyond comprehension.  In the past few years, I have stopped trying to make sense of what God is doing in all the wreckage.  Why God allows these types of things to happen and speculating on what good is going to come out of it.  Because I simply do not have answers.  My level of understanding and wisdom are small and finite compared to the ultimate wisdom and knowledge of an eternal God.  This is the only consolation I have when considering such a horrendous event.  

He made those babies and He made the gunman.   He had the power to stop the horror.  He kept every other elementary school including the one my kids go to safe that day.  I know more today than I did last week that the lives of my kids are in His hands.  And the reality of loss and brokenness and grief and horror that exist thick in the world are brought to the forefront of all.  There is the problem of evil, and then there’s the much bigger problem of good.  It is bursting forth from all over the world and pouring vast into that little community.  Our love, our prayers, our desire to carry the burden of those grieving souls.  To honor the hero’s and the fallen and celebrate the beautiful gifts of life that touched so many.  We are crushed, but not destroyed.  

The Grinch.  A story about an evil wicked raging beast who wanted to destroy the joy of the little town he lived above.  And so he picked the most pronounced joy day of the year, Christmas, to carry out his scheme.  And so in the story of course he thinks that the source of joy of the little Who’s is their stuff.  He methodically hatches a plan to take it all away.  Because darkness hates light.  But the Who’s did not wake up in mourning, they began singing and celebrating, because the joy of Christmas was about something much, much more.  And our Light is a baby in a manger that came to rescue His lost children and restore the devastation of sin, wiping it out completely.  To save and heal and restore. 

Evil cannot kill Living Hope.  The first response of so many of the people of Connecticut and the family members who I have seen speak out, is prayer, hope, and faith.  Singing “Amazing Grace” by candlelight in the cold black night hugging and weeping and praising His name.  We all sit in front of our TV’s watching the reaction of the wounded.  Waiting to hear the names of the lost.  To see their faces.  To know who they were.  Grieving with them as we hear their heartbreak and come to know their sweet babies.  We all know that this act was wrong.  It shouldn’t have happened.  Something’s broken.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  Why do we know this?  Because it is a truth that we are born with.   A distant memory of the days where it was not so.  Before the fall and the fracture of creation.  And creation knows it too.  “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.”  -Romans 8:22  

We live in a cursed world.  But it will not always be so.  “No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him.” – Revelation 22:3.  One day, all will be restored.  It will all come untrue.  That is what Christ came for.  To pay for our sins and break the curse of death so that we might live with Him forever.  And so we live in the place of the now and the not yet.  Praying the prayer of Marana tha…”Come, Lord Jesus, Come!”  

And in the place of dark heavy shredded hearts, He is close…  

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  -Psalm 147:3

“For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.”  -Job 5:18

“He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.”  -Psalm 107:20

“The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.”  -Isaiah 30:26

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners”  -Isaiah 61:1

I am uncomfortably going to share an experience that happened to me this weekend during our church service.  I have not shared this with many.  It is something that has NEVER happened to me before.  Something that I have heard people say they have experienced in which I have either totally written them off as overzealous or hyper spiritual…possibly delusional.  There are some that I have thought authentic, but was cautious to really accepting the reality of their story.  It just seemed too taboo.  And my biggest caution in sharing this is the outlook that I'm making something about me that is ABSOLUTELY NOT ABOUT ME.  I simply am sharing...something I don't even understand...at all...

Our church closes out the services with singing.  After listening to the sermon where Matt addressed the tragedy and the hope of Christ and we had prayed as a congregation for the healing and comfort of all those directly affected by this tragedy, we started to sing.  And the last song we sang was “You Bring Restoration” listen to song here.  This song has such a deep meaning and memory for me.  When we were in the thick of our life coming apart and the weight of what was to come was heavy and overwhelming, this song was played at an evening service.  I looked over as my husband crumbled to his seat, shoulders shaking and tears falling hard.  Many of our friends were around and laid their hands upon him, some with bowed heads, some comforting his pain.  I remember it so well because not often do I see him let his wounds bleed.  I was both crushed by his sorrow, but also amazed and joyful that the words and truth of the song had penetrated his heart.  

You bring restoration
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
to my soul

You've taken my pain
called me by a new name
You've taken my shame
and in its place, You give me joy

You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take weeping and turn it into laughing
You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy

hallelujah, hallelujah
You make all things new, all things new

This was the last song we sang Sunday morning.  As we were singing this song, I closed my eyes and claimed these truths in my heart while praising my God.  And then…I saw the silhouette of a line of mountains as if they were shadows.  And beyond them I could see another mountain, but I could only see the base of it as it climbed into the sky.  I knew that I was looking into a different country.  There was a warm glowing beautiful bright mist that hovered. The slope had soft green and yellow hues of tall grass flowing.  I saw children.  They were running and laughing and playing.  There was no pain or sadness where they were.  They were being watched over by the Lord as He sat close to their fearless fun.  And though I could not see His face, I knew that He was smiling and laughing and enjoying His children.  I was watching the children that lost their lives on Friday.   I could not see the details of most of their faces.  But they were around 6ish and there were about 20 of them.  There was only one little girl that stood out more because she wore her hair like my daughter does and she reminded me of her, even in what she was wearing.  I felt a sense of warmth and beauty and peace like nothing I have EVER experienced before.  It only lasted for probably 30 seconds or a minute, I’m not sure.  I was so caught up in it that I didn’t realize what was happening until I opened my eyes and was where I was.  And then it took me a little while to sort out what it was that I had just seen and experienced.  I think the weirdest part about it, is that at the time, it didn’t seem extraordinary at all.  It was just as real and normal as the ground I stood on.

I came home and shared with my mom and sister-in-law, Robin, with tears of joy and awe overflowing.  It was such a beautiful experience and gift.  That feeling of peace and joy with no pain…I want to behold it, to experience it again.  I have no idea why the Lord gave me this beautiful experience.  It has lightened the sorrow in my heart and turned my eyes towards His coming joy.  And it was real.  I keep wanting it to be a dream so I can more easily explain it and accept it and understand it, but it wasn’t.  It was real.  And it was a precious gift that I am so humbled to have received and feel so privileged to share.  I pray that it blesses you as much as it has blessed me.  What I saw had no reality of horror…it was of pure unobliterated joy and love.  In His perfect presence and peace.    

Rick is on his way to Big Spring!!!  His official status on the BOP website is "in transit" so he hasn't arrived yet.  Praying that we can get the paperwork in and processed in time so next weekend we will get to see him!!!  Thank you so much to all who have helped us with travel arrangements!!!!  My deepest gratitude to all of you.  And for continued love, support, encouragement and prayers. 

Merry Christmas to all of you.  May the love of Christ be evident to all and His peace and joy make your Christmas full.

…Two Great blogposts to further read reflecting on the Sandy Hook tragedy are below.

by Tim Keller

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/12/the-truth-about-sandy-hook-where-is-god-when-bad-things-happen/
by Ann Voskamp

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Much to learn


“Do not be afraid; our fate

Cannot be taken from us; it is a gift.” ― Dante Alighieri, Inferno 

 

“Every day you preach to yourself a gospel of your loneliness, inability, and lack of resources or you faithfully preach to yourself the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.”  ― Paul David Tripp 



Rick arrived in Oklahoma about a week ago.  Thankfully he has been able to call me.  He says that it’s a bit of a rougher crowd up there.  The walls of the jail are pink and blue with his little cell a bright shade of pink.  Over a hundred inmates are housed in his pod and are constantly being transferred in and out.  There are only four phones which are frequently occupied and they have computers so he is now able to send emails.  It is not regular email, of course, it is thru a service and they charge Rick to send and receive messages… because of course email is so expensive…   There are only two showers for the whole pod in which they take when they receive a new “roll”.  This includes clean clothes a towel and a bar of soap.  There are no visitors allowed at any time in this facility.  He calls his 6’2” 350 lb “celly” (his bunk mate) big bear and apparently big bear desperately needs some beano.  He also had a strange request of Rick in which he asked him to shave his face.  Rick graciously declined feeling a little uncomfortable.  My husband somehow always crosses paths with characters who are a little off and push boundaries.  More of that story later...  I have been asking him to share some of his thoughts and experiences and he emailed me this morning something I can share with all of you.  

Days go by very slow and the people you hang with you get to know them fairly well. I miss my family & friends very much and there is no substitute for them. However, the few people you find on the inside that you click with, you bond with them quickly.  You are both subjected to the same amount of discomfort from being shuffled around from institution to institution while learning to live without your loved ones by your side.  People here who have been in the military say it is very similar in boot-camp.  The pain and discomfort creates a particular bond among strangers that runs deep in a short amount of time. 
I have recently experienced this on Thursday morning.  I have spent most of my hours with a guy from Kentucky who was with me in Seagoville.  When we arrived in OK we hooked up with this Muslim guy from Houston.  These were my running mates for the last 2 weeks.  Conversations among us were intense from the start.  (18 hours a day for 2 1/2 weeks)  We all had the same agenda, who can we trust, relate to, and enjoy each other’s company as we sit through time waiting for our name to be called.  I learned to play pea knuckle, take a beating in chess day after day.  I learned how Muslims view Jesus and how the Koran has similar stories as the Old Testament.  I learned that good friends can be made instantly if you have the same mind-set as a young child on the play ground.  (My wife says I have never had problems in that area.)  I look for comfort in God and he has extended His grace to me in the relationships I've made in the last 3 months.  I am thankful for each of them and how they have made my walk through this time bearable.
This morning I awoke for breakfast and both of my friends had departed for their new destinations.  I was not expecting to eat breakfast alone, I felt like a pansy because I miss these 2 guys who I had just met.  Working through my grief I know it was worth the effort and vulnerability.  These are gifts from my God, letting me know he is with me. 
So sweet what the Lord is teaching him.  He is showing him that He loves him and is with him in the dark trapped uncomfortable places maybe not so unlike the belly of a fish.  Relationships and friendships and cultures and people are things that Rick thrives off of and God is giving gifts and grace to a son He loves behind the foul concrete walls.  God’s mercies are neither limited nor contained.  

There are days that I feel peace and hope and comfort in the Lord that He will take care of us and provide for us and bring beauty from ashes.  And then there are days that I feel like He has turned His back on us and not given answers or financial security fast enough or putting up more challenges than we can handle and feeling like he has closed the door and nailed it shut.  And those are the days the fight is most intense.  He never changes or forsakes or drops the ball.  My feelings are quite the opposite.  He is always faithful and gracious and good.  But my weak flesh turns its eyes on worldly saviors rather than on my eternal One.  I want to be self-reliant and in control.  I want to be in the know and have all my comforts and not be bothered by temper tantrums and perpetual messes and kid’s homework and everything else.  I want to live in my own world and bring God into my court of judgment and tell Him how He needs to do it better.  And really these are the hardest days because I am not resting in His Grace and trusting in His sovereignty.  I am looking at the storm raging and not on the One who the wind and the waves obey.  I am focused on what I don’t have rather than on what the Lord has given me.  A daughter of Eve.  She was told she could have anything she wanted in the garden but the one fruit.  And she could not take her eyes off it.  This made her vulnerable to being deceived and then engaging in sin which led to destruction and separation and a broken and fractured world.  All because her heart had turned away from her Creator to the creation.  

Praise God for His crazy beautiful relentless pursuit of the rebel.  The object of His love, not because He needs us, but because we need Him.  It is a spiritual fight, no doubt.  And on those days where my heart is weary and my flesh is weak, I can run to Him and lay my burden down at his feet and let Him carry it.  And He longs to do so.  “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” –Matthew 11:28-30   gentle and humble in heart…yes, I have much to learn…


We plan to go to Big Spring to visit Rick as much as we can.  Anyone that has extra Southwest Airlines passes or has friends/co-workers with them and would like to donate them please let me know.   There is a La Quinta and Hampton Inn we can stay at there, so if anyone has any hookups in the hotel biz, please let me know.  Anyone with car rental discount hookups, please let me know.  Any other creative resourceful people out there with ideas/suggestions on how to do this as cheap as we can, I would love love love your input.  You can email me at rachpayne@verizon.net.  Rick can only have 5 visitors at a time including the kids so that will just be our family and one of our parents who can go at a time.  Thank you for your prayers and love and encouragement!!!  They help us fight the good fight…and HE SUSTAINS!!
 



Thursday, December 6, 2012

On the move...



“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” - C.S. Lewis


I’ve only talked to Rick a few times in the last week.  The first time was two days after they had moved him out of Denton County Jail.  He told me they had taken him all over the Dallas metroplex.  He had gone from Denton to Plano to Sherman back to Plano and then they put him in a county jail in Bonham, TX.  This all happened between Wednesday and Friday of last week.  He was put in a detox cell where some guy had vomited everywhere and Rick had to sit on the concrete floor for 6 hours inhaling the stench.  In another holding cell he slept on the stone cold ground without even a blanket.   They didn’t administer his medication that he needs to keep his heart healthy.  He has two stints in two of the main arteries in his heart after having an emergency procedure in January and his meds keep his heart healthy.  They didn’t feed him for 14 hours in one stretch and he had nowhere to shower.  Shackled like a dangerous animal, moved from cage to cage.  To finally land South in Seagoville detention center where he would wait to be moved once again.  

It was a very rough few days.  He said there were times where he felt like he was going to lose his mind and then he would pray and a guard would come and move him again.  He is happy to be out of the county system and in the Federal system.  The accommodations are much better and the prisoners are not micromanaged by guards.  There is more room to move around and exercise.  The food is less like dog chow, they have regular mattresses, and he now has a pillow.  He can use a normal razor and shaving cream so he has shaved his face.  There is more privacy when taking a shower and using the restroom.  He sounds relieved and hopeful.   It’s the little things…  He went from a navy blue scrub type uniform to a bright orange frock.  And he has already made friends.

And then there’s Ty.  He is the wolf clad in sheepskin that lured Rick into his den of lies and stole so much from so many including us.  He too is in Seagoville.  A fateful encounter.  A sweet and unexpected grace arranged by a loving God.  Rick ate lunch with Ty the first day he was there.  He laid down the burden of bitterness and anger over a prison meal.  And Ty apologized and Rick forgave and the freedom that even prison can’t abolish was granted to a wounded soul.  How good is the Lord that He would orchestrate such a meeting to mend hearts and remove baggage and liberate from darkness.  He is a God at work for our good and His glory and blesses richly even in the most broken and ugly places.  

I went down on Sunday with my step-dad who is an attorney to see if they would let me in with him on an attorney visit, but they wouldn’t.  I have to fill out some paperwork and have a background check which can take about 3 weeks to process.  It was extremely disappointing, but I’m so grateful he got to hug someone he loves.  

They are moving him today to Oklahoma.  This is where all the Federal prisoners in the United States are brought before they are taken to their destination.  He will be leaving Seagoville on a bus with 25 other souls and picking up more along the way.  This reality still seems like a movie to me.  I wonder who he will meet, what he will see, what stories he will hear, what experiences he will have.  When I spoke with him yesterday he was telling me some of the dynamics of the prison and how it is segregated among the races and there is a spokesperson for each race who communicate to one another.   He was telling me about the guards.  They have women guards in there instructing these men.  This is CRAZY!  He was telling me some of the funny stories of how the inmates interact with the guards and each other and how the crazy woman guard calls them “mens” when addressing them as a whole.  We were having a good laugh.  You can always count on Rick to see the humor and make jokes in a sad situation like this.  But I’m thankful for a good laugh with him.  It makes it feel normal somehow.  

He will be in Oklahoma for a week or two and then finally be taken to Big Spring, TX where he will serve the rest of his sentence.  It is a 5 hour drive from where we live.  I probably won’t get to see him for another 3 weeks.  I may not get to talk to him for 2 weeks while he is in Oklahoma.  This has been the hardest part for me.   Not knowing if he’s safe and where he is and what he’s going thru and if he needs anything.  And then the distance.  I have no idea how we are even going to be able to afford to see him that often.  And driving with 3 small children 10 hours on the road for just a day or two honestly seems excruciating.  It feels like too much and somewhat impossible, but I know the Lord will make a way if it is His will.  He is up to something…

I’ve been weepy all week as what lies ahead starts to settle in this jolted heart.  Wiping away big tears falling on soft cheeks holding tight my little brood as I convey the dismal news.  And we let it rain.  But not without Hope.  For “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy” –Psalm 126:5.  There is a Living Hope.  Foretold by ancient prophets long ago came to pass an eve that will soon be celebrated by many.  It is not in getting everything we want and it is not in perfect circumstances or toys or security or people.  All of these things will betray us.  They will never give what our heart longs for.  “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end”  -Ecclesiastes 3:11.  Jesus has come to save and heal and redeem.  And this is the GREATEST HOPE that we could ever have.  He is the Answer to our hearts calling from the deepest place.   He will carry us through this treacherous valley with grace and renew our strength when we feel we can’t go another step and surround us with his army of saints praying and loving and fighting faithfully with us.  A treasure, a gift, a hero, a Savior.  We get Him, and He is enough!

So we wait.  We forge on.  And we persevere.  And Christmas seems sweeter this year.   Not because we have more stuff, but because we have more of Him.  And life is more meaningful in ways that I have never known.   He is showing me how much He loves me by the prayers of so many, the encouraging words and gifts that help so much, our family who is gracious and lives sacrificially, our church home group who has rallied to serve and bless us, and beautiful friends who have cried with me and loved me and been so generous.  “Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living” –Ann VosKamp.  So this is really living...all for the Glory of His name.