Wednesday, July 9, 2014
“The Moral Law isn't any one instinct or any set of instincts: it is something which makes a kind of tune (the tune we call goodness or right conduct) by directing the instincts. The most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of your own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs. There's not one of them which won't make us into devils if we set it up as an absolute guide. You might think love of humanity in general was safe, but it isn't. If you leave out justice you'll find yourself breaking agreements and faking evidence in trials 'for the sake of humanity,' and become in the end a cruel and treacherous man.”
I remember when I first met him. He had one of those slouchy beanies on. The ones that look like you put it on and then pull it back. So it’s not right up against your scalp. Kinda like the 12 dwarves from Snow White.
The wind was screaming cold and he shivered as he walked to the train. He seemed lost. Fresh out of a 10 year prison stint. His clothes hung lose from all the weight he had lost and I could tell that freedom stung a little.
I had heard some of his story. I knew he was very young and sort of stumbled into a drug empire and was making crazy money. He was shot and left for dead which put him in a coma for a few months and when he woke up he walked right out of the hospital and back into his drug business. The one that almost just killed him.
He had two small children and had been married at the age that I was first getting my driver’s license and hadn’t even had a real boyfriend.
His smile was endearing. Warm and childlike. I would have never pictured this man to have slogged through the gritty trenches of that life. To witness the abominations that he had. Surely prison saved his life. What will he do with it now?
I asked him if he was a believer. I asked him if he knew Jesus. He said no. His mom was a Christian and he had heard about it his whole life…but he just didn’t believe it. Plain and simple.
I immediately wanted to start preaching the Gospel right there and then. Not because I was trying to “convert” him over to my own “belief system”. Because you can have a whole system of beliefs that really are dead. They don’t move or stir any part of your heart or influence your life. They’re just a black plaque edged with shiny gold hanging like an emblem of proclamation that when held up against the backdrop of a life…melt into a sludge of hypocrisy.
No. I wanted to share the sweet Person who has changed my life. Who has mended weeping wounds. Who has redeemed the sorrows and brokenness. My messed up relationships. My self-seeking propensity. Who has unmasked the lies that I believed and trusted for the destructive weapons they are. Who has walked me out of darkness and shadow into the warm light of Truth. From the cave to the Source.
I wanted to share the only Hope that can save. It is all I had to offer.
There are some things you hear about that you just gotta check out for yourself. All the hype and chatter got me curious. And when all my favorite shows ended and Rick ordered Netflix…my curiosity turned to none other than…Breaking Bad. I’ll just watch the first one, I thought.
High School chemistry teacher turned meth maker to provide for his family as he was dying of cancer who went bad. The concept seemed really uninteresting to me. Maybe because I didn’t like school…especially chemistry. Or maybe the idea of a man self-destructing seemed mainstream in every media outlet as well as people that I know and love…and I just didn’t want to go along for another ride.
Well…I couldn’t stop. It got in my head. Walt got in my heart. A seemingly simple man. A brilliant chemist. A nerdy down to earth middle aged guy who was out to make a buck. To be a hero. To save his family from desolation. And then it all goes horribly wrong and he doesn’t abandon ship. He keeps pressing on. While darkness billows beneath his kind eyes and warm smile. Killing his relationships. Souring all that was sweet and likable.
I kept thinking to myself why am I compelled to watch the demise of this man? His life? His relationships? It’s gut wrenching. But I had really grown to like him. I could relate to him. I felt compassion for this monster in the making. Hoping beyond hope for him to walk away. For him to realize the destruction he’s causing by his choices. Waiting for a resolution…a revelation…and most of all his redemption.
Jesse is the only character in the thick of horror not jaded by it all. I love his character. Messed up junkie kid that everyone dismisses and belittles and he is mortified by the atrocities. But his laziness and lack of self-value keep driving him back to an easy way of doing something (making money) in spite of all the pain it is causing him. Don’t we all do that to some capacity? I can relate to him too. But I just hurt so much for him.
This show brilliantly debunked so many twisted ways of thinking by playing them out. Such as money is the answer to all things.
To make money to “provide” for your family at all costs. Even if it costs you your family.
And the real motivations that are the driving force surface in the tragic mishaps and another layer of the character is revealed.
Now I say that knowing that these are fictional characters…but the reason their story is so powerful…the number one rated show of all time in the Guinness book of world records…is because their story rings true to hearts that are watching. They can relate. Good stories reveal hidden places in each one of us and we love to watch it play out in someone else’s life.
One of my favorite moments is when Jesse goes to his support group with people who are struggling with drug addiction and confesses he murdered a “dog”. It was really a person and he was devastated by it but he couldn’t share his secret.
When the leader preaches self-acceptance Jesse unleashes. Calling out the lie that it is. Exposing more of his own real motives. He knows it doesn’t work. He knows self-acceptance is just another mask of duplicity concealing his tormented soul.
I love that about the show. It’s raw and real and doesn’t sugar coat the actions of the characters and doesn’t glorify them. It cleverly portrays a life degenerating.
After I watched the last episode I was wrecked. Yes, wrecked. I couldn’t talk about it without crying. (yes...I was invested :) ) The brilliant chemist turned monster’s empire crashes and he has been outwitted and he flees to a secluded cabin where he lives for awhile. Alone…dying of cancer...with a barrel full of worthless money. And it was all for not.
And then his “Walt quest” once again drives him back to his town and family where you are hoping for a come to Jesus moment. There is half of one. A revelation of truth. He confesses to his wife that he really hadn’t been doing all this “for his family”, as he had preached over and over again hammering them over the head with it. It had been for him. His pride. Making millions and proving he was a brilliant chemist with the perfect meth and taking out those that got in his way and he liked it.
But the heartbreaking part for me is that although he finally took responsibility and realized the truth…there was no sorrow. No apologies. And that just broke my heart for him and his family. I wanted reconciliation. I wanted forgiveness. I wanted the Moment.
He kissed his baby daughter goodbye one last time…he watched his son come home from school from afar because he wouldn’t speak to him…and you knew he was going to confront the guys who had “beaten” him, so to speak.
And so the end was revenge. Not redemption. And it was such a tragedy. Walt didn’t win in the end. He died. And there was hope for him in those few moments when he realized what he was really about…but he didn’t live long enough to make it right…in the way that really matters…in the matters of eternity. He was still on his “Walt quest” out to bring judgment on those who had betrayed him.
In some ways I’m thankful that they didn’t let him live in the act of vengeance, because they’d be glorifying it...him….
I really appreciate this show. It made me examine my own life. My own heart. My own motives. Where I think I’m doing something good and right but really am doing it for myself. And where pride’s fetters graft deceit right into the very desire that began with good intention. The ending never goes well.
Cancer didn’t kill Walt and neither did a bullet…pride did.
So what’s the alternative? The opposite end of this tragedy?
Humility. Laying down arms. Laying down expectations and dreams. Laying down the shards of disappointment that have ripped apart reality. Right at the foot of the Cross.
And praising God. In the storm in the desert in the wilderness. Because He’s there and He has not brought you out there to harm you. He is the Creator and we are the created…He is all knowing and we are clueless…He is loving and good and our only love and goodness come from His Grace.
I really hope that guy…the one with the beanie and charming grin…the one who guards his heart from all that he’s been hurt by and experienced…I hope he doesn’t end up like Walt. He’s been given a second chance that so many other people don’t get. I hope he makes something out of his life. I hope he finds meaning in all that he’s suffered and redemption in those places that seem forlorn. I hope he pursues goodness. I hope he pursues grace. And most of all…I hope he finds the One True Healer that can turn his life right-side-up. It’s never too late as long as we have air in our lungs. For a new story…a better one. One that pushes back the darkness by giving it all up…to serve the One who gave it all up…to save His lost people.
Rick has been officially off home confinement and on probation as of May 1. I feel at this point that his story is his to share on the terms that he feels led.
I can tell you that the ministry the Lord has had me working on for the last year is “in production” and hopefully the first video of it will be completed in the next few months. He will be sharing his story there. I'll keep you posted.
Please keep our family in your prayers. For provision...direction...healing...strength...and as your heart feels led. This desert season still lingers and sometimes we get weary. And for all that the Lord has us working on to be fruitful and bless others and glorify Him.